


Flaws Upon Your Wrists

by FollowingButterflies



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Community: deancasbigbang, DeanCas Big Bang, Depression, Drama, F/M, M/M, Mentions of attempted suicide, Mentions of past Meg/Castiel, Mentions of past self harm, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2017-12-31 21:03:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 82,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1036371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FollowingButterflies/pseuds/FollowingButterflies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You can’t hurt people if you don’t let yourself get close to them. It’s also easier to run." </p><p>Those are the words high school senior Castiel Novak has believed in for the past few years and he’s content with living that way until Dean Winchester moves to his sleepy Minnesota town with his damn leather jacket and his appreciation for art. Despite trying to push Dean away a complex friendship forms between the two and Castiel soon learns that no matter what Dean isn’t going to let him run.</p><p>A Deancas Big Bang 2013 Entry</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the DCBB 2013. The soundtrack can be found [here](http://8tracks.com/infinitylightning/flaws-upon-your-wrists) and the brilliant artwork by [xlostloonax](http://xlostloonax.livejournal.com/) can be found [here](http://xlostloonax.livejournal.com/12453.html). I can be found over [here](casfallen.tumblr.com).
> 
> Endless thanks goes to my amazing beta [Megan](amikrumping.tumblr.com). You deserve all the chocolate trifle Sainsbury's makes.

_You told me that you don’t let people in, now why is that?_

_If you don’t let people in then they can’t hurt you_

_But they can’t love you either_

_Isn’t that the same thing?_

 

The city bus came to a sharp and shuddering stop causing the eighteen year old sitting near the back of the bus to crack his head against the window as he jolted awake. He swore under his breath as he rubbed the spot that had hit the cold glass window. With a tired and grumbling sigh Castiel Novak pulled himself up from the seat he had been dozing in. The music in his ears had been loud enough to drown out everything around him and for that he was grateful even if he had dozed off for several minutes. As the bus doors creaked open Castiel dragged his feet along the length of the bus towards the front. The driver gave him a sympathetic smile but Castiel just gave him a nod in reply. As he exited the bus the frigid air hit Castiel square in the face. Maybe his father had been right that morning when he told Castiel that he would need more than just a hooded pullover to protect him from the cold January weather. With another tired sigh Castiel exited the bus and walked for the three minutes along the street until he came to the large and looming grey building that was the local high school.

The easiest way to get into the school building without being spotted by the numerous members of staff searching for late comers was to cut through the student parking lot that was reserved for seniors only. As he jogged along the tarmac towards the school Castiel spotted his best friend Anna’s banged up VW Bug parked in its normal spot. The car had previously belonged to Anna’s elder sister Rachel and had a tendency to break down at the most inconvenient times due to the fact that Rachel was terrible with cars and hadn’t taken much care of the VW Bug. Anna had been meaning to take it to a garage to try and get the numerous dents and paint scratches sorted out, as the car looked especially shabby when it was parked next to a sleek black car like it was that morning.

Castiel slunk into the main hallway which was nearly empty apart from a few stragglers. No one really noticed Castiel, luckily, so he picked up his pace towards Algebra. He wasn’t remotely interested in the actual class, in fact he’d stopped even attempting to get a passing grade in Algebra several months before, but he really didn’t want to be hanging around in the corridors when the hallway patrol started waltzing around like they owned the whole goddamn school when really they were just dickheads with over inflated egos and shiny sashes. How anyone could have an inflated  ego when wearing a shiny sash was completely beyond Castiel.

Algebra had only just started as Castiel slid silently into the desk next to Anna that he had sat in for the past year and a half. At one point he would have been there the first row staring at the board with rapt attention but that was a whole different time and a whole different world; a whole different Castiel actually, Castiel who used to wear sweater vests and be able to recite the periodic table off by heart. That really was a whole different time and world though.

As Anna looked over towards him with a questioning look Castiel let out a small yawn and instead of answering Anna he simply shrugged his shoulders as a way to say that he had no real reason as to why he was late for the lesson. Anna just rolled her eyes, pulled her algebra textbook from out of her bag and threw it onto her own desk in a way that was clearly to show her irritation while Castiel pulled his sketch book out of his own bag. There was no real reason getting his Algebra book out when he wasn’t going to pay much attention to whatever was going on in the class anyway.

Castiel’s algebra teacher, a middle aged woman who went by the name of Ms Mills and who was about as unenthusiastic about Algebra as Castiel was, was only just setting books out on her desk when a knock on the door distracted the entire class. Castiel could tell that several people were hoping that a water pipe had burst so they could be sent home or something like that. Ms Mills called out for whoever it was to ‘come on in and not spend all day out in the hallway like a spare part for God’s sake’. Clearly Mills had either gotten up on the wrong side of the bed or her coffee hadn’t kicked in. Castiel knew that feeling only too well.

Whoever it was out in the hallway opened the door and walked inside the classroom though who it was Castiel did not know as he was becoming engrossed in the quick doodle he had started at the side of his page. Anna leant across her desk slightly to tap Castiel gently on the arm to get his attention. He shot her an annoyed look for a moment, Anna had known him for too many years to know that once he became engrossed in something it was very difficult to pull him out of that trance and doing so easily made him irritated, but Anna just rolled her eyes at him as if to tell him to just look at what she was now nodding at. Castiel properly looked up from his sketch pad for a minute to see a tall and nonchalant looking guy wearing a worn looking leather jacket walking into the room with a purposeful stride. Castiel couldn’t help but smirk when he noticed several of the girls in the room sit up in the chairs straighter than they had been a moment before. One or two even repositioned themselves in a way that reminded Castiel of peacocks displaying themselves to the best advantage. He would have laughed at them if it weren’t all so pathetic.

“He was in the main office this morning with what looked like his younger brother and some nerdy looking girl with red hair, new students by the sounds of it. I didn’t get to hear the whole conversation because I had to get to form.” Anna said quietly to Castiel. Anna volunteered in the main office in the mornings and sometimes during lunch period and after school. This came in useful sometimes like in sophomore year when she had ‘borrowed’ a pad of hall passes so Castiel could roam through the halls whenever he wanted. So far this year Anna had managed to get another pad of study hall passes so whenever Castiel felt like he couldn’t manage a full period of chemistry or wood shop he could slope off to the library or the art rooms. Anna had done the same thing for herself so if AP American History ever became too taxing or monotonous she could join Castiel.

“You know you’re not supposed to listen in on conversations in the main office.” Castiel pointed out though he always enjoyed hearing Anna’s tales from the office like just how much all the receptionists secretly hated one another and most of the students or which of the Freshmen were pregnant.

“Yes but you know you like knowing all the sordid little details of this school and don’t lie by saying that you don’t.” Anna shot back and Castiel had to agree with her on that point. He did enjoy hearing about which member of faculty was nearing a full scale breakdown or about how one member of the JV football team hadn’t left school last year because he was moving to North Dakota with his grandmother; he’d actually been sent to some hard-core religious school in Utah because his father had found him in a compromising position with a fellow member of the football team. “I think his name is Dan…or was it Dean…I can’t remember. Apparently his family has just moved here and that’s all I heard before I had to leave.” Anna added nodding over at ‘Dan or was it Dean?’.

“Is this…Algebra with Mills?” the new student asked striding up to Ms Mills’ desk with a lazy smile on his lips. Ms Mills glanced down at a note on her desk then gave the new student a curt nod.

“It is; you must be Dean Winchester, well you’re late so sit down and try to keep up with the fascinating world that is Algebra.” Ms Mills said handing Dean an algebra book with a voice so full of sarcasm it was comical. Castiel continued to watch with mild fascination how several of the other students around the room sat up straighter still as they realised that Dean Winchester wasn’t the worst looking guy in the world and was going to be walking past them. It was the same kind of fascinating as a car wreck, it wasn’t something that you should find fascinating to watch but at the same time it was damn hard to look away from the carnage that was mangled corpses or a bunch of girls trying to apply lip gloss without being seen and using the reflection form their phones as a mirror. Castiel rolled his eyes at Anna who quickly gave him a knowing smile that meant she was clearly thinking the same as him. 

“Sure thing sugar.” Dean said with a mocking salute as he walked towards the only free desk which was in front of Anna. Castiel watched as Ms Mills frowned slightly at being called ‘Sugar’ and the look on her face, reminiscent to that of a disgruntled animal chewing on barbed wire, was quite priceless and was normally the look she saved for when Castiel was derisive towards her…which happened to be on a nearly daily basis actually when Castiel really thought about it.

Dean Winchester lowered himself into the chair in front of Anna all while keeping his indifferent air the entire time. Several girls were still looking over at him in the most obvious way ever and Castiel had to think that some people really were stupid or just shallow. With a roll of his eyes Castiel went back to his sketch because the shading didn’t look quite right and it was slowly starting to infuriate him. Ms Mills was explaining something to the rest of the class and even if he was listening Castiel wouldn’t have a clue what she was saying because he really had long since stopped listening to what went on in this class. Castiel carried on doodling while Anna was busy writing something next to him. She was either paying an awful lot of attention to the class or a small note would soon be pushed onto Castiel’s desk and sure enough after a second or two Anna’s slim hand was sliding a ripped of piece of paper from her desk over to Castiel’s. Anna’s neat handwriting was written at the top of the paper she had just carefully placed on the end of Castiel’s desk and from the corner of his eye Castiel could see her looking at him expectantly. 

**_Why were you late this morning? If it was the bus then you could have called me and I would have come and gotten you._ **

Castiel read through Anna’s note a few times before he scrawled down his reply and slid it back to Anna with as much discretion as he could manage so Ms Mills wouldn’t see what they were up to. They had gotten pretty used to discreet note passing over the years but Castiel didn’t really want Mills swooping down on them and reading out their note like she did whenever anyone got a text in class.

 ** _My meeting ran over that’s all_** was the reply Castiel gave Anna and from the corner of his eye Castiel saw Anna nod as if that was a decent enough answer.

**_Was it ok? What did they want to talk about?_ **

**_The weather…_ **

**_Very funny Castiel…_ **

**_Well then don’t ask stupid questions…_ **

“Excuse me Miss Milton, Mr Novak, is my lesson interrupting your precious little note passing?” Ms Mills said causing everyone else in the class to look up and turn their heads to the back of the room where Castiel and Anna were sat. Maybe this is was one of the bad things about sitting at the back of a class. Castiel noticed that Dean was looking over at him with an intrigued but playful looking smirk.

“No not really, carry on with your lesson.” Castiel said smiling slightly. He heard a few people snicker from behind their hands while Anna shook her head slightly. His best friend didn’t mind Castiel toeing the line occasionally but when his smart mouth tended to annoy her slightly when it landed Castiel in detention.

Ms Mills gave Castiel her disgruntled look while some people continued to snicker. “Well thank you for that Castiel, I always long to seek out your approval.” Ms Mills said sarcastically as she turned back to the board. “Now why don’t you pick up reading from where I left off?” Ms Mills then asked turning round and raising an eyebrow at Castiel.

“I would love to but I haven’t been paying attention.” Castiel said grinning once again. This time he heard Anna groan into her hand while several others snickered more loudly than before.

“Thank you for your honesty Castiel, I really do appreciate it” Ms Mills said, once again incredibly sarcastically. “Now maybe you can catch up on the reading while in detention later on today.” Ms Mills added giving Castiel an acerbic smile before she went back to her lecture. Castiel swore under his breath as he went back to the sketch he’d been doing of a small bird before Anna had started sending him notes. After a moment a small piece of paper found its way onto Castiel’s desk.

 ** _You had that coming to you, I hope you know that._** Anna’s decorative handwriting said. Castiel gave her a look that said he wasn’t interested in Anna’s opinion on the matter and he received an eye roll off her before Anna returned to her work and Castiel went back to concentrating on his sketch. He really didn’t want to admit that Anna was right, he did have that coming to him and he shouldn’t have been so mocking towards Ms Mills because now it was clear that Michael would give him shit when he came home after his detention.

 

 

 

\---

Dragging his feet as well as his tattered messenger bag along the hallway Castiel reached the door marked **Detention** and sighed heavily before opening the door. True he only had himself to blame for landing in detention but it was still a pain in the ass having to spend an hour and a half sat in a painfully hard chair while staring out of a smudged window.

From her regular seat, second from the back and closest to the window, Jo Harvelle gave Castiel a friendly and welcoming smile as he slid into his own regular seat, back row and second closest to the window. Both Castiel and Jo were regulars in detention. Jo was a small and pretty looking blonde whose looks never really went with her incredibly tough persona. Because of the way she looked Jo was often found being hit on by unsuspecting boys and while said boys would usually find themselves in the nurse’s office, with either a bloody nose or bruised testicles, Jo always found herself thrown into detention. While Castiel and Jo weren’t what you would count as close friends Jo and Anna, surprisingly, got on quite well and had done since freshman year. Castiel was sure it was because both of them had quite fiery tempers but either way it was nice having Jo around sometimes.

“So who was the poor, senseless victim today?” Castiel asked pulling his sketch pad out of his bag. During his art class that afternoon he’d started working on something for his portfolio and yet he wasn’t sure if the medium he’d chosen was good enough to go into his portfolio and he was half tempted to throw that thing away though that may have been because he’d been staring at it for far too long.

“It was that asshole of a creep Eddie Zeddmore from my auto shop class. He tried to grab my ass when I was changing a tire so I threw the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a wrench, at him.” Jo explained with an incredibly casual air. To be fair she had the right to sound causal about it because that really wasn’t the worst thing she had done to a guy that had hit on her. She had actually broken a guy’s arm when he had tried to hit on her before.  “The damn wrench missed him because he leap out the way screaming like a girl but apparently my ‘conduct’ was ‘less than acceptable’ so here I am.” Jo added shrugging her shoulders.

“Zeddmore had it coming to him.” Castiel said shrugging his shoulders because he shared an English class with Zeddmore. A speck of dust had better views on their English assignments than Eddie Zeddmore.

“I’d agree with you there.” Jo said smirking before she rummaged in her bag for a second. “Gum?” she asked Castiel holding out a pack of spearmint gum.

“Thanks” Castiel said giving Jo a rare smile. He threw a few pieces of gum into his mouth before placing his earphones into his ears and returning to his sketch. He drowned out everyone around him as music filled his ears and he hoped that the next few hours would go fairly quickly. Afterwards he could drag himself home to a, with any luck empty, house. If God, or whoever was up there, was on Castiel’s side then Michael would still be at work, Luke would be out and Gabriel would be with friends or asleep in his room.

The sketch his hands were flying over was still not working no matter how Castiel looked at it so after several minutes he pushed the sketch pad away from him with a slightly annoyed groan and decided to focus his attention on the poster in front of him. Jo looked up from the book she was reading and gave him a sympathetic look as she witnessed many an art related fit when it came to Castiel. Just as he was about to say something to Jo the chair next to Castiel scraped against the floor, this had the same effect on Castiel as fingernails on a blackboard and caused him to shudder. Ripping out his earphones he turned to who it was that had pulled the chair out to glare at then until he realised that it was none other than Dean Winchester. Dean gave him a mocking grin before he threw himself into his seat strangely full of refinement for someone so tall and broad looking. Castiel raised an eyebrow before placing his earphones back in and returning to his task of staring at the poster in front of him that depicted the reproductive cycle of bees.

“Hey Jo.” Dean said while Castiel continued on with his task of focusing on the damn poster because there was something strangely distracting about Dean Winchester’s smirks that made Castiel feel nervous.

“Hey there Dean.” Castiel heard Jo reply in a friendly manner. That managed to draw his attention from the wall and the poster. Turning to Jo he raised an eyebrow at her. “Dean’s in my auto shop class” Jo added with a shrug when she saw Castiel’s face.

“Yeah you were the one who threw the wrench at that guy, right?” Dean asked sound vaguely in awe of Jo’s action.

“Yeah that’s me.” Jo said proudly. Dean smirked slightly before he glanced over at Castiel. Castiel couldn’t help but smirk right back and he was oddly proud when he saw Dean’s face redden. Dean broke the eye contact first and started staring out the window to the playing field where the football team were beginning to practice. Castiel remembered sitting in the cold every Friday night during game season with his brothers watching his eldest brother Michael run up and down that field doing whatever the hell it was that football players actually did. Castiel had been highly relieved that neither Lucifer or Gabriel had been remotely interested in competitive sports so once Michael graduated Castiel wasn’t obligated to sit on a hard bench watching a sport he couldn’t care less about.

"So…it’s only you're first day here and you are already in detention." Castiel said. Dean glanced over and he was clearly trying to pick out if Castiel was being friendly or not.

"What can I say, it’s a real talent. Apparently this place had a rule against smoking on campus. Who’d of thought it?" Dean said with a broad smile. Clearly he had decided that Castiel was being generally friendly.

“I hate to break it to you but most places have that rule.” Castiel said smirking back at Dean. Dean raised an eyebrow in surprise before he was distracted by a cell phone in his pocket beeping. Rolling his eyes he pulled in the phone out and tapping at the screen. He glanced up towards the front of the room where their detention supervisor was sat. She was more interested in reading this month’s copy of _Beautiful Country Homes_ than actually paying attention to the room full of delinquents. Look relieved Dean went back to tapping the screen.

“Jesus Christ that kid is going to worry himself into an early grave.” Castiel heard Dean muttered under his breath as he slid the phone back into his pocket. Castiel watched with slight amusement while Dean muttered until, after a few moments, he turned his head back to look at the bee poster. “Hey.” Dean said tapping Castiel on the shoulder lightly. “When does this shit-fest normally end?”

“Are you asking because I look like the kind of person who spends my life in detention?” Castiel asked raising an eyebrow.

“Well you do seem at home.” Dean pointed out nodding to the way Castiel was now sat with his feet up on the desk. Castiel gave him a sneering smile as he heard Jo snort loudly before leaning over closer to Dean.

“The ‘shit-fest’ ends at five so you only have another hour and a half to sit through before you can waltz on home.” Castiel explained as he leant back further in his seat and scrolled through his iPod until he found a decent enough track to distract him from Dean Winchester who was now settling himself into his chair and pulling a book out of his beg. Castiel didn’t look at the title of the book, he was too busy wondering why there were several terribly cheesy 90’s pop bands on his iPod and when on earth had Gabriel, because it could have only had Gabriel, done such, but he couldn’t help but notice how worn and well read the book looked. Interesting as the only time books were ever read in detention was when they were read by Castiel and, on some occasions like today, Jo who had recently become obsessed with reading a series of books based around the zombie apocalypse.

 

 

 

\---

Anna was waiting for him as he walked out of the detention. She had been sat against a cluster of lockers scribbling away in a small sketchpad. Like Castiel, Anna enjoyed drawing and was very good at it though due to her AP classes and her interest in graphic design she had been placed in a different art class to Castiel. When she saw that Castiel had been let out of detention she stood up and hastily put her things back into her bag.

“Hey, are you ready to go or do you need to do anything else?” Anna asked him as Castiel walked over to her.

“I’ve got nothing else to do we can get going.” Castiel said giving Jo a nod as she walked past. Anna gave her a small smile as the pair were friendly towards one another but Anna wouldn’t have classed them as friends. “Were you waiting out here all this time?” Castiel asked.

“Oh no, I was with Ruby going over her homework for Chemistry.” Anna said. “I’ve only been here for about fifteen minutes though.” Anna added with a shrug before her eyebrows shot up so quickly it was almost comical. “Isn’t that the new guy? Dean Winchester?” She asked in a near whisper as Dean came walking down the hallway and gave Castiel a nod of acknowledgment with a brief smile.

“Yes” Castiel said while Anna continued to stare at Dean. If she wasn’t completely in, unrequited, love with the barista at their favourite café Castiel would have assumed that she was having a ‘moment’ over Dean Winchester of all people. “That would be Dean Winchester.”

“Have you spoken to him?” Anna asked while they both watched Dean walk down the hallway, pulling out his cell phone as he walked. 

“Barely, he’s just some guy that ended up in detention on his first day.” Castiel said with a shrug of his shoulders. Anna opened her mouth to say something else but Castiel quickly cut her off. “Come on, let’s get going.”

“Ok, coffee?” Anna asked smiling at the thought.

“Yeah sure though are we going for the caffeine or for the achingly hip looking art student that gives you free shots of syrup in your coffee?” Castiel asked raising an eyebrow.

Anna gave him a roll of her eyes before saying, with a slight smile “How do you know it’s the art student? I could just really like the syrup.”

“Yeah of course that’s what it is.” Castel said with a voice dripping in sarcasm as Anna whacked him across the back of the head.

 

 

 

\---

Two years prior The Roadhouse had been one of those dingy dive bars that only catered to their regulars and lost tourists that clearly didn’t know any better but after nearly a year of hardly any trade it became apparent that in their small Minnesota town the main beverage was coffee and not beer. The bar's owner, who happened to be Jo mom, Ellen had the place renovated into a coffee house which was, according to Jo, a kick in the teeth but they needed the money that the bar just wasn't bringing in. They hadn't gotten rid of the grease filled burgers though which were the greatest hangover cures Castiel had ever had and he could happily spend the rest of his life eating them.

Anna’s main reason for going, apart from the coffee, though was because of Inias their barista who was in his first year at The Art Institute. Anna had been nursing a crush on him for months since he started working in their favourite coffee shop. Castiel had been forced to witness the pair of them dancing around one another in a weird form of flirting wherein neither Anna or Inias would actually admit that they liked one another and all their conversations revolved around coffee.

"There you go Castiel." Inias said handing Castiel the two mugs with a friendly smile. "One black coffee with cinnamon and one hazelnut latte with a shot of vanilla." He said and Castiel smirked at hearing the extra shot Inias had put in Anna's drink. 

"Thanks." Castiel said taking the drinks back to the table where Anna was sat with several of her textbooks littering the table. "Extra shot of vanilla from your cappuccino Casanova" Castiel said placing Anna's drink in front of her. Anna looked up and when Castiel nodded over to the counter where Inias was stood Anna blushed furiously as she glanced over. Inias gave her a small smile before going back to stacking mugs or whatever is was he did when he wasn't making coffee or cow eyes at Anna. Anna's head dipped down and she became incredibly focused on pulling a stray thread from her thick green cardigan. “Are you thinking about maybe starting a conversation between the poor guy before he goes insane?”

“What? Inias? Don’t be stupid…he’s just being friendly.”

“Yeah, because he just hands out the free shots of syrup to everyone.” Castiel said. Anna shook her head at Castiel sarcasm but he could see her smiling to herself as she sipped on her coffee. “You could just talk to him.” Castiel prodded because watching the dance between Anna and Inias had been slowly driving him insane for the past few months.

“About what exactly?” Anna asked.

“He’s studying at The Art Institute Anna, I think you could easily find one subject to talk about.” He said. “Jo agrees with me you know, she thinks you should say something to him.”

“Don’t say that Jo agrees with you when she’s not here to back herself up.” Anna shot back frowning slightly.

“Who said she wasn’t?” Castiel asked with a smirk as he spotted the small blonde head of one Joanna Beth Harvelle. 

"Hey Jo." Inias called as Jo came waltzing into the coffee house. She gave Castiel a quick wave before hurrying behind the counter and grabbing an apron. “Was detention the same ol’ barrel of laughs?” Inias asked. 

"Oh yeah it’s always a real joy to be there.” Jo said derisively. “If my mama asks then I've been here since school finished working." Jo said glancing around the coffee shop as if looking for her formidable mother.

"I already signed you in; as far as she knows you've been working for two hours already." Inias said.

"Does that mean I get my break now?" Jo asked smirking. Inias rolled his eyes and walked off towards the kitchen.

"Don't push it Joanna Beth." Inias called as he went. As soon as Inias was out of view Jo skipped round the counter and sat down by Castiel and Anna. Anna gave Jo a quick smile as Jo reached over to take a sip of Anna’s coffee. 

"Don't you two get sick of this place?" Jo asked making a face at the sweetness of Anna's before. Instead she grabbed Castiel's and took a large gulp.

"Oh I was sick of it after about week, it's old extra vanilla shot over here that can't get enough." Castiel smirked nodding at Anna. 

"That guy has got it so bad." Jo said shaking her head. 

“Told you so.” Castiel shot at Anna.

"I have no idea what either of you are talking about." Anna said primly refusing to look at either Castiel or Jo. Instead she rummaged through her bag and picked out the book she was reading for AP English.

"Yeah, sure you don't." Castiel said rolling his eyes. 

"So Jo, what did you do to land in detention?" Anna said clearly trying to change the subject.

"Very smooth there Milton." Jo commented. "A wrench happened to find itself being thrown at Eddie Zeddmore. I might have caused said wrench to go flying towards the dickhead’s face." Jo added with a shrug. Anna shook her head but smiled at her friend. 

“I wonder how I ended up being friends with either of you two delinquents.” Anna said more to herself.

"Joanna Beth!” a firm voice called making Jo jolt in her seat. “I don't pay you to sit around on your backside talking to customers and not doing any work." Ellen, Jo's mother called when she came waking into the coffee house. 

"Woman doesn't pay me anyways." Jo muttered pulling herself up from her seat and nearly dragging herself to the counter. Anna chuckled to herself and went back to reading her book while Castiel smirked into his coffee mug. 

 

 

 

\---

The Novak house was in complete silence by the time Castiel returned home which some would have taken as a good sign but with his family the silence was sometimes worse than the screaming and shouting. A note on the kitchen table told him that his father had been made to work late as well as Michael though that didn’t explain for either Luke or Gabriel. Shrugging his shoulders Castiel classed this as a small victory despite the house being empty as at least this way neither Michael nor his father would find out about the detention or the fact that Castiel was most likely failing Algebra. Though not knowing of Luke’s whereabouts never failed to make Castiel feel uncomfortable because Luke could be anywhere and doing anything. The possibilities were endless and terrifying.

Once alone in his room Castiel sank onto his bed as a weary sigh escaped his lips. Even though it meant the house was quiet for once Castiel always disliked being home by himself, the size of the house and the lack of noise made him feel small and very insignificant. He preferred having the house filled with noise because even if it made him want to stay in his room at least he knew he wasn’t alone in the house at all.

With a sigh he pulled out his sketch pad from his bag and looked over what he had done during the day. There was still something missing from his drawing of the woods backing onto the Novak property. The sense of familiarity and warmth despite the lack of sun and near constant mist was missing ad Castiel couldn’t figure out on the hell to make his drawing come to life. He knew deep down that he had nothing to worry about; his art teacher had told him over and over again he really had nothing to worry about with his art because he was one of the most talented people in the class. It still worried Castiel, he had long since stopped caring about impressing his other teachers because of losing his passion to succeed but when it came to art he wanted to strive. If that was the only class of his that gave him any joy then he wanted to strive to be brilliant at it. It was just like running, as long as he knew he was succeeding with it then Castiel could be happy. He would know that he had an escape route if needed.  

He stayed sketching until he heard the front door downstairs open. His father called out into the house and Castiel responded by turning up the music he was playing. He heard Michael say something though he couldn’t pick out the words. No doubt it was something relating to the music Castiel was blasting out which was the same music that Luke used to try and drown the house in when he was a teenager. It was thanks to Luke’s determined noise pollution that Castiel had grown to love the same classic rock which no doubt pissed off his father and Michael but Castiel was long since passed caring.

“Castiel? Castiel?” someone called from the other side of his room after nearly half an hour. Castiel lowered the volume in reply. “Have you eaten? It’s kind of late I know but Dad wanted to know.” It was Gabriel. Castiel pulled himself from his desk and walked over to the door, opening it slightly.

“I ate with Anna at The Roadhouse.” He said. He had actually; both he and Anna had ended up ordering two ‘Original’ Roadhouse burgers so he was still pretty full.

“Oh ok.” Gabriel said with a nod. “I also came to say that it’s just gone nine; you’re supposed to take your meds now.” He added holding up a glass of water and a small off-white pill. Thanks to Michael’s fretting, and paranoia that Castiel might OD, Castiel’s medication was stored in the kitchen in plain view of the family so they could make sure he was actually taking them. Castiel’s protests, mainly pointing out that he wasn’t a fucking child and could handle his own medication, were met with near silence or scathing comments like always.

“Thanks Gabe.” Castiel said taking the water and pill from Gabriel’s hands. “I’m kind of tired so I’m going to go to bed, ok?” Castiel said. He wasn’t tired but he knew that his pills would soon make him drowsy so he wasn’t completely lying. Gabriel nodded and gave his brother a small and warm smile.

“See you in the morning baby bro.” he said. “Try and get some sleep.” He added knowing how restless Castiel sometimes got. He would end up lying awake until the early hours of the morning no matter how drowsy he felt. Thank God Anna was always on hand in the mornings with coffee. 

 

 

 

\---

Anna was waiting for Castiel outside on the driveway the next morning just like nearly every other morning. Her slightly battered but still somehow well-loved car sat happily in the driveway behind Luke’s ridiculously ostentatious mustang. Castiel would have been perfectly happy learning how to drive and getting a car but apparently Michael was convinced that this would just be like throwing a red rag at a bull and Castiel would end up driving it off the nearest cliff or into like local lake. It was nice to know that Michael really thought he was the dramatic one in the family when that title could, and should, have been given to Gabriel. 

"Morning" Anna called through her open window as Castiel walked down the driveway. She held up a paper bag that Castiel knew contained one sesame bagel with cream cheese, Anna's favourite, and one honey wheat and oat bagel with peanut butter which was Castiel's favourite that he would eat in Algebra because he could never really handle food early in the morning thanks to his meds.

"Thanks" Castiel said sliding into the passenger seat and taking the bag from Anna. Anna gave him a warm smile and nodded to the coffee cups in her car's cup holders. One would be a nutmeg latte, Anna's, and the other would be a black coffee with a sprinkle of cinnamon, Castiel's. The bagels and the coffees were part of their routine every morning and had been since Anna had learnt to drive. 

“You’re welcome” Anna said with a smile before she launched into a story about how her dad was being a pain in the ass when it came to favouring Naomi, Anna’s eldest sister, because she had gone to work for their dad while Rachel and Anna were both more interested in finding their own careers. “Dad mentioned trying to get Rachel a job in marketing and I thought she was going to throw something at him. She swiftly mentioned that she didn’t study to get a master’s degree in English Literature to just end up working in marketing. Next thing Dad will be telling me that I don’t even need to go to college because I have a ready-made job waiting for me at the business. It’s total bullshit.” Anna said with an irate look in her eyes. “You have no idea how envious I am that you will never have this problem.”

Castiel sipped his coffee then snorted loudly. “Yes that’s because my father knows that he even suggests me working for either him or Michael I’d tell him exactly where to go. It didn’t work with either Luke or Gabriel and it certainly won’t work with me.” He pointed out like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Yeah well you know what my dad is like.” Anna said stopping at a red light and sipping her coffee. 

“Yeah he’s…he’s…” Castiel said trying to find a word to describe Anna’s father that wasn’t along the lines of dickhead or asshole.

“He’s a bit of a douchebag.” Anna said. “You can say it.”

“I’d rather not, the last time I called your dad a douchebag he heard me and looked at me like I was evil for nearly a month. It’s like he has a beacon for when I’m rude about him.” Castiel said.

Anna chuckled and shook her head as the light changed. “I really wouldn’t put that past him to be honest.” She said as she continued to drive. “So did you do the Algebra work due in?” Anna asked as they neared school.

“Are you trying to be funny?” Castiel asked with a smirk.

Anna sighed loudly “You are a delinquent and if you even graduate I’ll be shocked.” Castiel shot her a smirking grin to which Anna rolled her eyes at. “Are you even going to try and pass Algebra this year?”

“I could always copy of you.” Castiel pointed out.

“You really wouldn’t last five minutes without me.” Anna mused. Castiel had to nod in agreement because Anna really was the one person he could always rely on.

 

 

 

\---

Algebra went without any detention slips being given out mainly because Castiel was waiting for his coffee to kick in and was more focused on finishing his drawing from the night before to even look up from his sketch pad. Clearly Ms Mills was waiting for her caffeine boost and merely assigned them a chapter of their Algebra textbook to read instead of actually doing any teaching.

The rest of his morning lessons were pretty much the same; Castiel pretty just went through the motions with his work which suited him just fine. After lunch Castiel waved Anna goodbye and walked quickly into the art studio. While both Anna and Castiel were interested in art Anna’s interests lay more in the graphic design aspect of art and so there were in different classes; Anna being in Graphic Design and Castiel being in The Painted and Drawn Media which, in Castiel’s opinion, was a pretty pretentious way of saying ‘Art’. Castiel always assumed that what he got for going to one of the more liberal school in Minnesota.

Nevertheless it was one class that he was determined to never miss or be late for. Walking over to his normal, and thankfully always empty, table Castiel sat down and began pulling out his sketch pad and drawing supplies from his bag. Art was one of the only classes Castiel would never cut; after all it was one of the only classes, if not the only class, that he didn’t actively dislike and easily exceled in. Once all his art supplies were out of his bag Castiel pulled his iPod out of his back pocket and placed the earphones into his ears to drown out the rest of the students in the art room. It usually worked very well. Usually.

After several minutes Castiel became aware of someone standing almost directly behind him. He pulled out an earphone to tell whoever it was to go away when they said “Hey man; is this seat taken?” Castiel looked up and wasn’t that surprised to see that it was Dean Winchester. After all who would wear boots like that apart from Dean? Like the day before Dean was wearing the same worn leather jacket. Castiel couldn’t help but think about how interesting it would be to sketch that jacket purely because of the different textures and the subtle change of colours dappled across the worn brown material. He swiftly curse himself inwardly, of all the things to think about he was thinking of Dean Winchester’s _jacket_?

“No it’s not.” Castiel said with a shrug. Dean gave him a slight smirk before pulling off the damn leather jacket, a backpack and placing them in front of him on the desk as he sat down next to Castiel. While Castiel was busy making sure he had all of his supplies he assumed that Dean would just sit there and bum about throughout the whole class so he was surprised when he realised that Dean was pulling out a thick of sketch pad of his own along with a good supply of drawing pencils. Castiel had to raise an eyebrow in surprise because Dean Winchester did not look like the type of person who would be into art. Then again Castiel knew nothing about Dean Winchester apart from the fact that he smoked and had a slight attitude. Oh and that he apparently was a fan of Led Zeppelin according to the faded t-shirt he was wearing because Dean didn’t seem like the type of person to be one those hacks who wore a band t-shirt but couldn’t even name one of their songs.

“What are we supposed to be working on?” Dean asked Castiel after a few minutes of silence. Castiel paused the song he had been listening to and nodded down at his sketch pad that he had been working on.

“You might have known if you came to the class yesterday” Castiel shot back not actually caring if he sounded rude because the brief act of being nice to Dean by saying that he could sit next to Castiel was surely going to bite him in the ass, after all now his table was no longer empty apart from him so he couldn’t cover the table in his random crap.

“Actually I was in the principal’s office yesterday after lunch so I couldn’t make it.” Dean said casually as if Castiel hadn’t just snapped at him. “So what are we supposed to be working on?” Dean asked again just as casually.

“We’re working on our portfolios.” Castiel said “We have to hand them in for an evaluation at the end of the semester.” He then explained as nodding down at his own sketch pad which was full of sketches he had been working on over the past several weeks plus the one he’d been working on during detention the day before.

“Huh that actually sounds cool” Dean said with a small smile in Castiel direction. As Dean moved to open up his sketch pad and retrieve his drawing materials the slight smell of cigarette smoke told Castiel why Dean was almost late of the class and he silently cursed himself as the smell of the cigarettes made him want one of his own from the crumpled up packet at the bottom of his tattered messenger bag. Anna had been on at him for months for quit as she hated the habit with a passion and, as Anna had pointed out several times, Michael would kill Castiel if he found out.

Reaching into his bag Castiel pulled out not the crumpled packet of cigarettes but a bottle of fully caffeinated coke. He would have preferred coffee, preferably without sugar and milk as that was how he had started drinking it over the past few years, but the school only sold it at lunch and it was also fairly disgusting and nothing like the coffee Anna got him each morning. After the lack of sleep Castiel had gotten the night before thanks to his new medication he was on he needed all the caffeine he could get even it was just from a bottle of coke.

While he had been busying himself with drinking and rummaging through his bag Castiel had failed to noticed Dean working intensely on a sketch in the sketchpad in front of him. Feeling like he needed to get back to his own work Castiel placed the bottle back into his bag and tried to figure out why the sketch he’d done the day before just was not working. Just like the day before he couldn’t figure out what it was that was wrong with the sketch and ended up opening his other sketch pad, which was more of a doodle pad than anything, to the small doodles he had been doing the night before when he had still been awake at two in the morning. 

The concentration on Dean’s face was fascinating and it was that look that caused Castiel to look away from his own sketch and down towards Dean’s sketch pad. When he saw what Dean was working on he had to stop and look in slight awe. The sketch was a beautifully realistic pair of hands holding a steaming mug. By the look of the slender wrist and neat looking fingernails the hands belonged to a woman. A wedding band was on her ring finger and the amount of detail put into the ring itself made Castiel thoroughly envious because the sketch truly was very good and highly detailed.

Castiel watched with captivation as Dean added a slight amount of shading to the mug and the concentration in his face reminded Castiel of the zone in his own head that he went to when sketching. Dean’s brow was furrowed and he even began to chew on his lip as he squinted his eyes clearly looking for an imperfection even though there wasn’t one, the sketch was perfect.  

Pulling his eyes away from both Dean and the sketch Castiel returned to his own sketch of a bird in flight after he changed the song playing into his ears. Thank God his art teacher, a twenty-something year old Brit who told everyone to call him Balthazar because he hated his surname with a passion, was relaxed enough to never care that his students spent most their time during class eating food, drinking coffee or listening to music. As long as they handed in a pad full of gradable sketches at the end of every term Balthazar wasn’t remotely interested in what they did during class as long as it wasn’t illegal or ‘bloody lame’. This suited Castel just fine because it meant he could sit at the back of the studio, listen to music and just draw whatever the hell he felt like for an hour and a half without being interrupted by the idiots around him.

“So no detentions tonight?” Dean asked after nearly half an hour of silence. Castiel paused the track that had been playing and glanced over at Dean. “You were almost silent in Algebra this morning...after yesterday I assumed that show was normal” Dean added in a way of explanation.

“Well it’s still only midday.” Castiel said shrugging. Dean raised an eyebrow in Castiel’s direction and his eyes were so full of questions that instead of looking away Castiel stared this Dean Winchester down. Dean did not look away which was a surprise as most people normally went scuttling if Castiel glared at them. “Apparently my presence is required tonight at a family dinner so no detention for me.” Castiel explained. He looked away once he realised what he had said. As he carefully added definition to one of the bird’s wings in his sketch he could tell that Dean was watching him though Castiel had already made the mistake of looking at Dean for too long. Eye contact normally meant that the other person could see too much of you because weren’t eyes the window to the soul or some spiritual crap like that?

“You know.” Dean started to say and Castiel snuck a quick glance across to him. “You make it sound like detention would be more fun than a dinner with your family.” Dean said, a playful smirk creeping across his lips.

“When my brothers are involved detention is always the better option.” Castiel admitted surprising himself because no one ever heard about his family issues apart from Anna. Castiel had to admit that the thought of being sat at a dinner table with not just Michael but Michael, Lucifer _and_ Gabriel made him wish that there was some way to get out existing for just an evening. Michael and Lucifer being in the same place for longer than a few minutes was never a good thing and always seem to end in one of them saying something, normally very loudly, that they really should not say. Part of Castiel found it pathetic that a twenty-seven year old and a twenty-four year old could act so childish at the same time as acting so resentful to one another. The pair of them made Castiel, at eighteen, and Gabriel, at twenty, seem like they were the mature siblings and Gabriel shouldn’t ever be referred to as the mature sibling in any possible situation.

“I’m guessing they’re eventful dinners.” Dean said.

“Yes, the fire and the police department would agree with you on that one.” Castiel muttered under his breath. Dean looked at him like he was trying to gage if Castiel was joking or not and when he saw that he wasn’t Dean gave him a sympathetic smile.

“That sounds like the kind of dinners my family would have if we didn’t have our mom there to rule over us with her iron fists.” Dean said.

“Iron fists, really?” Castiel asked smirking slightly because Dean Winchester did not look like the type of person who was ruled over by anyone, especially a parent.

“Nah, she’s a pussycat really but she was pretty badass in her youth if the stories are I’ve been told were true.” Dean said leaning back in his chair and chuckling slightly before he went back to his sketch. “If it weren’t for Grandma Campbell ruling over with her iron fist then my mom would have been a real tearaway apparently.” Dean added.

“It’s good.” Castiel nodding towards Dean’s drawing.

“Huh?” Dean asked looking back to Castiel.

“The drawing, I mean you’re drawing…the drawing is really good.”

“Oh…thanks…” Dean said as his face went from lightly tanned to a violent red blush. Clearly Dean was someone who didn’t really notice their talent. “You like art too I guess…I mean you were sketching yesterday…” Dean added still blushing.

“In Algebra?” Castiel asked raising an eyebrow because he didn’t actually think anyone ever noticed him in Algebra apart from Anna or Ms Mills and the latter was only because Castiel was sarcastic to her most of the time. “Yeah…I guess I was.” Castiel said after a moment. He was about to say something about Dean’s style, drawing style that was, when he phoned blared loudly. Led Zeppelin’s _Ramble On_ filled up the room for several seconds until Castiel looked at the screen and, after seeing it was his brother, cancelled the call. He sent Gabriel a quick text explaining that he was in class and would ring him back later before shooting an apologetic look over towards Balthazar who just gave Castiel a nonchalant shrug. A phone ringing in his class was one of the less exciting or rebellious things of have happened.

“So…Zeppelin?” Dean asked nodding down at Castiel phone.

“Huh?” Castiel said as he tried to think why on earth Gabriel would be calling him in the middle of the day unless he’d decided to go on a random ‘adventure’ and had ended up halfway to Vegas…again. Then again Castiel had seen him that morning and Gabriel was under house arrest until next week because of his last spur of the moment adventure. Maybe he’d attempted to do his own laundry and flooded the washroom…again. Though Castiel could hardly say anything because he couldn’t remember the last time he’d even washed a single sock, he just threw his clothes into the laundry hamper and hoped that Michael wouldn’t rummage through his pockets on his quest to prove Castiel was a delinquent. The time Michael had found several condoms in Castiel’s back pocket had been amusing for everyone but Michael. Luke had even given Castiel a clap on the back and made several manhood jokes.

“Your ringtone, it’s Led Zeppelin.”

“Oh yeah…yeah my brother Luke always used to play their stuff.” Castiel said shrugging but Dean looked seemingly impressed by it. Castiel gave him a small nod and swiftly returned to his sketching because the look as on Dean’s face would have easily distracted him if Castiel carried on looking at him. They stayed sitting in near silence for the rest of the class which didn’t actually seem as awkward as Castiel would have assumed it would be. Dean’s sketch of the pair of hands flourished until Castiel couldn’t see a single fault with it; Dean was talented and that was plain to see and it was surprising to Castiel seeing as Dean looked like the last person to be such a talented artist. Then again Castiel knew from his own experience that appearances were always deceptive, he knew nothing about Dean so therefore he had no real reason to assume that Dean wouldn’t be talented. Part of him was annoyed that he actually wanted to know more about Dean Winchester.

That was never really a good sign.

 

 

 

\---

Dean followed him out of the art block once the class was over; Castiel needed to head for his final class of the day, English but he wasn’t sure where Dean needed to go and he wasn’t going to give Dean Winchester the satisfaction of knowing Castiel wanted to know where he was headed. Instead he just let Dean walk next to him until Castiel head yelling on the other end of the corridor and it took a moment to place that it was someone yelling his name.

“Castiel!” Anna cried hurrying up to Castiel and looking highly apologetic. “Becky Rosen had to go home early because she was feeling ill, apparently she threw up everywhere in the middle of Bio II, and so there’s no one to work in the office after school. Miss Barnes on the front desk asked me if I could fill in for Becky and I said yes without even thinking about it so that means I can’t drive you home. Are you ok to ask Gabriel for a ride home?” Anna asked looking very guilty because she knew how much Castiel hated relying on any of his brothers for anything even if Gabriel was the easiest and most relaxed out of his three siblings.

“Gabe is under house arrest until next week and he isn’t getting his car keys back from Dad for another two months. Not after last time.” Castiel reminded Anna lowering his voice slightly so Dean didn’t hear but from Dean’s sympathetic look it was clear that he’d heard anyway.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry Castiel…could Michael-” Anna started to say until she saw Castiel wince. Spending time in an enclosed space, such as a car, with Michael was a recipe for disaster as he would no doubt ask Castiel about school which was far too painful for Castiel to handle remotely sober or without the help of caffeine. “I guess not, and Luke’s probably out of the question too?”

“You guessed right” Castiel said. Luke’s driving was questionable to say the least if Castiel was being remotely polite and it didn’t make it any better that his car had no seatbelt on the passenger’s side. If someone asked for his honest opinion though then Castiel would have to say that he’d rather sit in the car with Michael than Luke because at least Michael stuck to the speed limit even if he make Castiel want to bash his head against the dashboard. “I’d prefer not to die in a road accident caused by Luke braking too sharply over seeing a woman in a short skirt.”

“Um…Cas?” Dean coughed. Both Castiel and Anna turned to him each with their own various faces of surprise. Anna’s was probably from hearing Dean Winchester actually say something that wasn’t a sarcastic insult and Castiel’s was purely because no one had ever called him ‘Cas’ before. When he was younger his brothers had called him Cassie for one highly annoying summer but luckily that had never stuck. “Listen…I could give you a ride home if you want.” Dean then offered. Anna continued to look at Dean, even blinking in surprise while Castiel just stood completely still and not fully sure if Dean Winchester had just offered him a ride home or not. “Um…where in town do you live? I could drop you off home on my way home.” Dean then asked scratching the back of his neck. Castiel gave him the street and Dean swiftly replied with an easy smile in return. “Dude that’s like three blocks away from my house so I can drive you there on my way back home, it’s not out of my way at all.”

“Are you sure…about the ride?” Castiel asked and Dean nodded. The thought of being sat in a car with Dean Winchester for any amount of time was making Castiel’s stomach do backflips and he really wasn’t sure why, it had to be from nerves because it couldn’t have been anything else.

“Yeah its fine as long as you don’t mind having to put up with my brother’s gangly frame in the back seat; don’t worry though, he doesn’t sound as…’interesting’ as your brothers…no offence.”

“None taken, I say much worse things when being nice about them.” Castiel admitted shrugging his shoulders.

“Well thank you, that makes me a lot better about having to stay late.” Anna said giving Dean an appreciative smile before she turned back to Castiel. “I’ll be home at about six so just ring me or come over if you need me.” Anna added touching Castiel lightly on the arm before she quickly hurried back off in the direction of her final class of the day, AP History.

“Wow, you really have issues with your family don’t you?” Dean asked raising his eyebrows. Castiel just shrugged his shoulders and turned to head off towards English. Castiel’s issues with his family could have been logged down in a book that would rival the Bible on conflicting issues, preachy summons and a guy called Michael being a douche. To be honest it would be the kind of book that Oprah would love for truly terrible reasons.

 

 

 

\---

Dean came to meet him outside of English which surprised Castiel to no end but he didn’t say anything. His English lesson had been pretty uneventful like always really, Castiel had read the book they were studying before so he could easily spend the entire lesson sleeping for all he cared. It seemed that the new student, a red head girl who had been made to sit at the front, had either read the book before or just wasn’t interested as she had a small graphic novel hidden behind her book and she seemed much more interested in that than anything else that was going on in the class.

Dean made small conversation, asking Castiel about his English class, as the pair of them walked to the student parking lot, stopping by a sleek black car that Castiel had noticed that morning. He could help but gape at it.

“Holy _shit_ is this yours?” he asked Dean failing to hide his amazement as he took in the pristine looking car.

“Yeah, she’s my baby.” Dean said sounding like an incredibly proud parent instead of a teenager boy talking about his car.

“You know not many high school students have a _1967 Chevy Impala_ for a baby.” Castiel pointed out and a slow smirk crept across Dean’s face.

“You know about cars?” Dean asked raising an eyebrow.

“Sort of but not really I guess. My elder brother Luke has a 1969 Mustang that he spent about nine years saving up for, it was either the Mustang or a Chevy.” Castiel said with a shrug while Dean still looked impressed. It was the second time that day that Dean had looked at him like that and it was still strangely unnerving as no one ever looked at Castiel in that way, well if they had it hadn’t been for at least two years.

“Dean!” a voice called from across the parking lot causing Dean to look away from Castiel towards the source of the voice. A gangly looking fourteen year old came running towards them until he stopped just in front of Dean’s car panting slightly. “Hey, sorry I would have been waiting for you but I got caught up in the library.” The boy said. Castiel saw some resemblance between the boy and Dean and quickly guessed that this must have been Dean’s brother, the one that Anna had mentioned the day before.

“Sammy its fine we only just got here.” Dean said shrugging his shoulders.

“Oh ok then! Hi there!” Dean’s brother said looking over at Castiel with an enthusiastic grin.

“Oh yeah; Castiel meet my baby brother Ass Hat, Ass Hat meet Castiel.” Dean said nodding towards his brother.

“Jerk.” The teen muttered under his breath giving Dean a swift kick in the shin. “My name is Sam actually. It’s good to meet you.” He then said as he looked over at Castiel. Castiel gave him a polite smile while Dean opened the car door.

“Get in the back bitch, guests ride shotgun.” Dean said his brother with a smirk while Sam muttered a swear word under his breath as he got into the backseat of the car. “I’m gonna tell mom you said that.”

“Butthead.” Castiel heard Sam mutter. Smirking Castiel walked round the sleek looking car until he got to the passenger’s side and was surprised when he saw that the door was already open. Dean was leaning back over towards his side of car and as Castiel slid into the seat he gave Dean and questioning look. Dean just replied with a slight smile and an unhelpful shrug of his shoulders. It was the first time in a very long time that someone had opened a car door for him and it was surprising that the person to do that would be Dean Winchester. True Castiel did not know much about him yet but Castiel would have thought that old fashioned manners weren’t Dean’s forte, clearly he was wrong.

“Where’s Charlie?” Sam asked glancing around the car like he had just noticed that whoever ‘Charlie’ was wasn’t here.

“She’s gone to some comic book store in the middle of town to see if they have anything in there that she doesn’t already own…which isn’t likely to be honest.” Dean said to Sam before glancing at Castiel. “Charlie’s our sister.” He explained. “I think she’s in one or two of Jo’s classes.” He added as he started the car while Sam launched into a story about his day.

“So today in biology we got to dissect a frog and apparently that’s the first time they’ve done in a few years because the last time they did some guy named Gabriel Novak protested and staged a sit in then gave every single frog their own personal funeral, with names for the frogs, on the football field.” Sam explained from the back seat and Castiel snorted to himself. He remembered that day actually; well he remembered how angry their father had been when he had found out. Castiel hadn’t seen him that angry in a _long_ time. Dean looked over at him clearly recognising the last name as it was Castiel’s own and ‘Novak’ wasn’t a very common last name at all.

“Your older brother?” Dean guessed and Castiel nodded.

“Yeah he’s the youngest after me; his frog was called Agamemnon and is buried under the starting line on the football field. There’s a memorial poem, well it’s more of a limerick, written in the boy’s bathroom next to the cafeteria.” Castiel said while Dean snorted with laughter. “Gabriel has always had a flare for the dramatics.”

“So you never staged any amphibian memorials?” Dean asked.

“No, we were made to dissect a cow’s heart instead but my best friend Anna passed out because of the whole ‘dead animal organ on a table’ thing so I had to sit with her in the nurse’s office. I think my biology teacher was happy about that, he was probably expecting me to be Gabriel 2.0 and demand the hearts be blessed or something with holy water.” Castiel said.

“I got that all the time back when we lived in Kansas and my fourth grade teacher made me sit at the front of the class because she thought I was going to be just like Dean.” Sam said from the back seat.

“Hey the woman had it in for me when I was in fourth grade!” Dean quickly retorted.

“Didn’t you call her a witch and put thumbtacks on her chair?” Sam asked between his loud snickers while Dean looked smugly proud of that fact for a moment. Castiel found himself actually smiling alongside Dean until a buzz coming from his pocket alerted him of a text message. Glancing at the screen he noticed it was from Gabriel and swiftly remembered that he never rang Gabriel back after his art lesson. Looking down at the text message he actually wished he had.

 **Gabriel: 3:21-** _Michael and Luke have been arguing over chicken marinades for the past three hours. I’d run now if I were you._

Castiel heaved a sigh as he read Gabriel’s text which caused Dean to look over at him curiously. Castiel tried to ignore this as his phone beeped again with another text from Gabriel. 

 **3:23 -** _Ok I’m done with these bags of dicks and their constant arguing. I’m going down the side of the house and going to see some friends. Catch you later if you don’t flee to Anna’s._

“Is everything ok?” Dean asked as his brow furrowed with concern.

“Huh? Yeah, yeah it’s just my brothers...like always. This dinner with them tonight might just kill me.” Castiel explained rubbing the bridge of his nose as he felt a tension headache appearing. If there were some possible way of getting out of the dinner then he would have jumped at the chance. Thank God Anna would be home by six.

“You…look…if you’re not too keen on going home you can always come round to our house for a while.” Dean said scratching the back of his neck. Before Castiel could say anything Sam stuck his head into the front of the car.

“Our mom worries that Dean is highly anti-social so you coming round your house will probably make her year because it will prove that Dean can actually talk to people as appose to just punching them in the face.” Sam said with a huge grin plastered onto his face. The look upon Dean’s face was genuinely priceless as he elbowed his younger brother in the stomach causing Sam to loudly groan in pain. Castiel couldn’t help but watch with mild fascination at how Dean and Sam interacted. It was so different to how Castiel acted with his own brothers. True he was close to Gabriel but Gabriel tried not to spend much time at home anymore because of being at the local community college and also because of Michael’s general presence at home.

“Your parents won’t mind me coming over?” Castiel asked while Sam continued to grumble in the back seat from being elbowed by Dean. Dean looked from Sam back to Castiel and shook his head.

“No, of course not. My mom wouldn’t mind at all.” Dean said. Castiel noticed Dean did not mention his father and he knew from his own experience when it came to talking about his mother that asking questions about the parent not mentioned was never a good thing so instead of saying anything Castiel just nodded his head and he was grateful that Dean seemed to take this as a whole sentence.

 

 

 

\---

The Winchesters lived in a relatively large turn of the century house only three blocks away from Castiel. The house was a lot like Castiel’s own house apart from the fact that the Winchester house didn’t fill him with a sense of foreboding like his own home. Dean parked up on the driveway behind a nondescript silver hatchback which Castiel presumed belong to Dean and Sam’s mother.

Both Dean and Sam piled out the car without a care in the world and after breathing in carefully for a few moments Castiel followed because it would have looked strange to just continue sitting in the car. Dean strolled up to the front door and opened it before calling out “Hey mom, we’re home!”

“Hi Dean, I’m in the kitchen!” came a voice from inside the house and Dean motioned for Castiel to follow him.

“Are you sure your mother will be ok with me being here?” Castiel asked again because he knew from experience that unexpected guests could send people into a world of panic, or maybe that was just Michael and really he should have been ok with Anna dropping in whenever she wanted by now as she had lived next door since Castiel was five years old. Dean scoffed loudly before he actually chuckled slightly.

“Dude, its fine. My mom really won’t mind you being here. Don’t worry so much.” Dean said laughing.  

Castiel watched in mild fascination as he observed Dean walk into the large kitchen and hug a smiling blonde woman who had to be his mother as they had the exact same green eyes. Even though the Winchesters hadn’t been in the house for long the kitchen was already full of appliances, cooking equipment and cookery books so clearly this was one of the most loved rooms in the house.

“Mom this is Castiel, we have a few classes at school together.” Dean said nodding over towards Castiel. He braced himself as Dean’s mother looked over at him and was amazed to see her smile was just as bright as when she looked at her son.

“Well hello Castiel. It’s a pleasure to meet you” Mrs Winchester said walking over and actually hugging Castiel tightly which caught him completely off guard because the only parents he ever interacted with were Anna’s or his own father and none of them were huggers. Mrs Winchester was also a lot stronger than she looked as her hug could have easily crushed bones or at least cause some serious bruising

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you Mrs Winchester.” Castiel heard himself say in the politeness voice he possessed as Mrs Winchester finally let him go. Politeness didn’t really come naturally to him anymore but Dean’s mother seemed so damn cheerful and pleasant that it was impossible to not be polite towards her.

“Please Castiel, call me Mary. The only people to ever call me Mrs Winchester are people from the bank and things like that.” Mrs Winchester said chuckling slightly and Castiel noticed just how much her laugh was like Dean’s “I’ve just finished a batch of cookies if you boys are hungry.” Mary, as she’d asked Castiel to call her, though that would take some getting used to, added nodding towards the top of her large range cooker. A huge plate of what smelt like peanut butter cookies rested on the top and Dean was already hovering by them ready to pounce by the look of it.

“I heard cookies!” Sam called from the hall.

“They’re in the kitchen Sam!” Mary called out with a warm chuckle. “Can I get you a drink or anything Castiel?” Mary then asked Castiel as Sam raced into the kitchen and grabbed a handful of cookies off the plate before Dean could. “Sam you’re worse than Dean if that was possible.” Mary chastised her son.

“No thank you, I’m ok.” Castiel said politely and he couldn’t help but smile when Mary gave him a warm grin.

“Well if you need anything then don’t be afraid to ask at all.” Mary said before turning to Dean. “Charlie rang me earlier on saying she was going to some comic store in town, will you be ok to fetch her when she’s finished? I’m not too keen on her getting the bus back when we’ve only just moved here.” Mary said and Dean gave her an absentminded shrug of his shoulders. “Thank you, I suppose” Mary said shaking her head slightly before turning back to Castiel. “So Dean says you have a few classes together.”

“Um yes…we have Algebra and Art together.” Castiel explained.

“They also had detention together.” Sam said between mouthfuls of cookies. Dean swiftly gave his brother a whack across the back of the head causing Sam to momentarily choke on his mouthful of cookie. Sam coughed for several moments with streaming eyes until he recovered and glared at his brother.

“Dean! Honestly, will you leave your brother alone?” Mary said in a reprimanding voice.

“Castiel was more of the political prisoner when it came to detention.” Dean said making it sound like Castiel had done something more profound than give his Algebra teacher sarcastic abuse.

“What, as opposed to you who was only there because you’re a complete jerk?” Sam asked. Dean turned to whack his brother again before Mary coughed loudly stopping Dean in his tracks.

“Honestly, Castiel you don’t have siblings you treat as terribly as these two treat each other do you?” Mary asked keeping a wary eye on her sons.

“Um…not really…I mean I have brothers but they’re all older than me.” Castiel said. He didn’t really want to get into the long story that was his family but Mary seemed to take his comment as enough and she gave him a small nod. Sam muttered something about how being the youngest sucked and how he was going to his room to do homework.

“We’ve been there _two days_ , how can he have homework already?”

“I wondered that about you and your detention.” Mary said giving Dean a disapproving look.

“Hey I was a political prisoner just like Castiel.” Dean said giving his mother a bright smile different from the smirk Castiel had seen him give others.

“Yes well I’ll believe _that_ when I see it.” Mary said rolling her eyes as Dean motioned for Castiel to follow him out the kitchen. “Now don’t forget about Charlie” Mary called after Dean as they walked out the kitchen towards a spacious living room with several cardboard boxes still pushed up the far wall.

“Like it’s possible to forget Charlie, she’s loud enough.” Dean muttered as Castiel glanced around the room. Like the kitchen before the living room was clearly going to be one of the most lived in rooms, a large bookcase was already full of both DVDs as well as books and one corner of the room seemed to be solely dedicated to the large stereo and turntable. The large mantle above the fireplace was groaning under countless family photos and for a moment Castiel was saddened that the Winchesters hadn’t been living in this house for long but it already looked like more of a home than Castiel own house which had being lacking in anything other than minimalistic décor for the past several years ever since…well for the past several years. “Ignore the mess, we’re trying to unpack everything but it seems like we’ve amassed a shitload of junk since we last moved and it’s taking forever. I don’t even want to think about how long it’s only to take Sam and Charlie to unpack all their trash.” Dean said throwing himself onto the worn but very comfortable looking couch.  “So how on earth do you do that?”

“Do what?” Castiel asked as he looked over the bookshelf at the endless titles of books and DVDs.

“Get my mother to like you so quickly?” Dean asked as he turned on the TV and began channel surfing.

“I don’t know.” Castiel said with a shrug.

“Of course you do.”

“I really don’t, most parents actively dislike me. Anna’s parents cannot stand me” Castiel heard himself say as his eyes raked over a huge section of horror novels including works from Stephan King, Cormac McCarthy and Henry James. Castiel recognised many titles that were in his own house as Luke was a huge horror literature fan when he was younger. After a moment Dean whooped with happiness as _Star Wars: A New Hope_ had just started on a random movie channel. “One day I might watch all those films” Castiel said absentmindedly as he continued looking over the bookshelf.

“Huh…wait…what? You’ve never seen all the _Star Wars_ films?” Dean asked in a shocked voice like Castiel had never lived a day in his life.

“No, I think I saw five minutes of one of them about ten years ago but that was it.” Castiel said nonchalantly. 

“Right sit down, man are you in for an education!” Dean said motioning for Castiel to sit down on the couch. “Never seen _Star Wars…_ ” Dean muttered under his breath like it really was the most shocking thing he’d ever heard in his life.

 

 

 

\---

Dean was busy explaining the finer points of the first three original _Star Wars_ films, during which he’d decided they needed to watch his Blu-Ray version of _A New Hope_ instead of the version on TV ‘to get the full experience’, to Castiel when the front door banged loudly and a small red-headed girl waltzed into the sitting room before throwing her full looking messenger bag to the floor.

“Hey bitches” she said grinning over at Dean.

“How did you get home?” Dean asked pausing the DVD and glancing over at the red-head who clearly had to be their sister Charlie though Castiel could see no resemblance between her and any of the other Winchesters he had met.

“I took the bus, the comic store wasn’t too bad but there was nothing in there that I didn’t already have so I might have to make a trek to the city soon.” Charlie said shrugging her hoodie clad shoulders.

“Didn’t mom tell you that I was going to pick you up? She didn’t want you to get the bus home.” Dean said sounding concerned and the protective brother side of him became apparent.

“Mom worries way too much.” Charlie said rolling her eyes heavily.

“Fine but if she asks you then I drove you home, I’m not having her yell at me.” Dean said before turning back to the TV screen and pressing play so the DVD started back up again. Charlie shrugged her shoulders and sat down on the other couch before she noticed Castiel and gave him a double glance.

“Hey…aren’t you in my English class?” she asked. Castiel had to rack his brain because he really didn’t pay attention in English class at the moment as they were studying a book Castiel had read more times than he could count so he spent most of his time trying to drown out people blatantly missing the whole point to the novel and most of the characters. “You sit at the back of the room I think. I’m near the front, they were only seats open.” Charlie added if that was remotely helpful. After looking at her more closely Castiel realised that Charlie was in his English class and seemed to share the same views that Castiel had on the rest of the class because he had noticed Charlie rolling her eyes at the other students almost as much as Castiel did.

“Oh yeah, Castiel this is my sister Charlie. Charlie this is Castiel” Dean said waving vaguely at Charlie. After only a few moments Charlie had pulled Castiel into a discussion about the book they were studying at the time in England. Apparently Charlie had read it two years prior and had hated it just as much as Castiel had when he’d read it. Charlie quickly recommended Castiel a book that was a lot better than the one they were studying and after a moment Castiel noticed Dean watching the pair of them with a bemused expression. 

“Dean! Dean, did I hear Charlie in the hallway earlier on?” Mary called from the kitchen.

“Yes mom, I’ve just come back with her!” Dean called back. Charlie rolled her eyes but didn’t correct Dean which he seemed appreciative about and he shot her a grin.

“Yeah he picked me up from the comic book store and everything!” Charlie called throwing Dean a smirk of her own. 

“That’s lovely honey. Dean, does Castiel want to stay for dinner?” Mary then called. Castiel glanced over at the clock on the fireplace and swore under his breath. It was nearing seven in the evening and Michael was expecting him at the dinner table any moment. His brother was going to kill him.

“Shit, I have to get back; my brother’s accepting me at home for dinner.” Castiel said leaping up from the couch.

“I can give you a ride back home.” Dean offered but Castiel shook his head.

“No…no it’s ok. I can walk back” he said quickly because no doubt Michael would be in a terrible mood and Castiel really didn’t want Dean to witness that. “It’s only three blocks, I’ll be fine.” Castiel said as he grabbed his bag from where he’d thrown it before.

“Cas-“

“Dean I said I can walk” Castiel shot back. As he was beginning to leave the room Mary walked in with a smile on her lips. “It was a pleasure meeting you Mrs Winchester” Castiel said hoping that he sounded polite because the general tone he seemed to give off most of the time was the of sarcasm.

“Well it was lovely meeting you Castiel; you’ll have to come over again soon.” Mary said. Giving her what he hoped was a warm smile before he hurried out the house and took off down the road in the run. A slight cold wind picked up as he ran, his feet pounding against the pavement which quietly echoed along the deserted road. The Novak house loomed towards him and the lack of his father’s car in the driveway didn’t surprise Castiel in the slightest. The presence of both Luke and Michael’s cars though was not a pleasant sight and just added to the dread settling in the pit of Castiel’s stomach. Castiel took several deep breathes before he pulled his keys out of his jacket pocket and let himself into the house preparing himself for whatever Michael was going to say.

“Gabriel?” someone shouted from the dining room.

“No…it’s me.” Castiel called back sighing as he practically dragged himself towards the dining room.

The very moment he walked into the dining room Castiel knew what kind of night the evening would turn out to be. Michael already looked pissed off and it was clear that Luke was trying his hardest not to saying anything to antagonise Michael which was actually an achievement for him because normally he revelled in winding Michael up.

“You’re late for dinner Castiel. I said that everyone should be down here for seven and it’s nearly half past now. Are you incapable to being on time for anything?” Michael asked. Castiel rolled his eyes because he hadn’t meant to be late it was just something that had happened. Time wasn’t a real concern of Castiel’s if he was honest and this generally meant that he was late for most things. Anna had gotten used to it so why couldn’t his damn brother get used to it?

“Sorry.” Castiel said knowing full well that he didn’t sound apologetic at all. That served Michael right for sounding like such a dick. He glanced around the room and saw that Gabriel wasn’t here either which was not much a surprise as Gabriel had the same thoughts as Castiel when it came to family dinners. Castiel briefly wondered if Gabriel had even come home yet after he escaped down the drain pipe. If it weren’t for that drainpipe both Gabriel and Castiel would have been around for more family arguments than they witnessed already.

“Yes well you can sit down now.” Michael said glaring slightly.

With a tired lament Castiel said “You know what, I’m really not hungry.” The last thing he wanted was to sit down to a meal with his brothers, especially when Michael already seemed to be in a terrible mood. Before Michael could say anything else Castel turned on his heels and headed upstairs towards his bedroom.

“Castiel!” Michael called back angrily but Castiel carried on walking until he got to his room and slammed the door shut behind him.

His room was his sanctuary, it was where he came to get away from his family and it was safe. It was the only room in the house that felt like home with its deep red walls, art prints hung up and his huge desk where Castiel did most of his art.

A light knock on his door made Castiel look away from his ceiling and sigh loudly as if it were Michael then he wasn’t up for whatever argument would start up between them. Whoever it was on the other side of the door did not wait to be allowed in and just opened the door. Surprisingly it was Luke and not Michael.  

“Are you ok?” Luke asked as he leant against the doorframe. “Michael’s just pissed that Gabriel isn’t here.”

“Yeah he made his escape down the drainpipe when you and Michael were arguing over marinades.” Castiel said haughtily.

“Huh.” Luke said with a chuckle “I didn’t know he was still small enough to do that…remember when we climbed down the drainpipe to go and see _Jurassic Park: The Lost World_ in the cinema?” Luke asked.

“You remember that?” Castiel asked because that was one of the best memories he had that contained both Luke and Gabriel in the same place without anyone fighting, making a scene or something blowing up.

“Yeah, I got the girl behind the box office’s number.” Luke said smirking. “Look just ignore Michael, he’s in a shit mood and he’s just looking for someone to take it out on. Gabriel’s not here and you’re normally his next target when it comes to shit like this because he knows that I’ll just fight back.”

“Luke did you really come up here to talk to me about this?” Castiel asked. Luke’s face darkened for a moment; there was a high chance he was about to tell Castiel to fuck off but instead he just let out an incensed grumble.

“No…I just wanted to see if you were ok but just forget. If you’re hungry later on then they’ll be food downstairs.” Luke said before walking out the room and slamming the door shut behind him.

 

 

 

\---

The argument between Luke and Michael resumed almost instantly and carried on well into the night. Neither of them seemed to care that Gabriel wasn’t there. Well that was until Gabriel came home and all hell broke loose between him and Michael. The pair yelled at one another until the early hours of morning, clearly not caring who they kept awake with their constant rowing and it wasn’t until their father came home that either of them seemed to be anywhere near done with their row.

There was only so long you could stand listening to music at ear splitting decibels before you developed the world’s largest migraine. Castiel discovered this at two in the morning when Michael and Luke were still doing their best to start World War III right in the Novak’s kitchen. 

 

 

 

\---

Morning came far too quickly. Castiel’s alarm was blaring at him to get up after what only felt like a minutes of sleep and if he was being honest that only thing Castiel felt like doing was saying ‘Fuck it’ and going back to bed where he would stay for the rest of the day. Sadly there was the tenacious force to be reckoned with that went by the name of Anna Milton. Therefore, instead of burrowing himself under his covers and sleeping until noon Castiel pulled himself out of bed and got ready for school, grumbling all the while to himself as he did so. He was coming downstairs when a car horn beeped from Castiel's driveway telling him that Anna was waiting for him. Castiel hurried through the hallway but not before his father stopped him before he could make it out the door.

“Is everything alright Castiel?” his father asked giving him a concerned look. It actually took Castiel a moment to place the look as that of concern because his father hadn’t looked at him like that in a long time.

Castiel actually couldn’t help but scoff at his father’s look or his question. “You’re asking me this now? I’m going to be late for school if I’m not careful.” He said.

“I heard Michael and Gabriel got into a disagreement last night.” His father said gravely.

“Yeah, it started out between Michael and Luke then progressed to Michael and Gabriel then back to Michael Luke. You could have stopped it if you had been there but, shock of all shocks, you weren’t there. You’re never there.” Castiel snapped. There was a time he would have held his tongue around his father but he hadn’t had nearly enough sleep the night before and he’d actually done his Algebra homework for once and being late would just take away that small victory, it was all about the small victories.

“Castiel-” his father started to say in a pained expression but Castiel just shook his head and opened the front door.

“Dad I’m going to be late if I’m not careful, can we do this another time…if you actually have the time” he said hoping that by saying that it would be the end of their conversation. His father gave him another pained expression but nodded his head.

“I’ll see you later for dinner.” He said though Castiel highly doubted his father would be back from work in time to witness the bloodbath that was the Novak family dinner.

“Yeah sure” Castiel muttered under his breath before hurrying out the house and towards Anna’s car. Thankfully she was holding out a large paper cup of coffee which Castiel took without a second thought and took a very liberal gulp of its contents despite the scalding heat. He could feel his tongue begin to blister but he did not care; if anything the pain helped him feel human and alive for just a few fleeting seconds until the inevitable numbness would consume him again.

"Wow…you look like you needed that." Anna remarked once they were in the car and she had backed out of the drive. Castiel took yet another gulp in a way of agreeing with her. "How many hours sleep did you get?" Anna asked sounding concerned. 

"I don’t know; three, maybe three and a half tops." Castiel said with a shrug of his shoulders. Anna sighed loudly but didn't say anything else. Castiel tore off a piece of Anna's bagel and handed it to her when she came to a red light. Castiel could never eat this early so Anna had stopped trying to make him bagels weeks and weeks before.

"Thanks. Why couldn't you sleep? Things aren't getting bad again are they?" Anna asked glancing over at Castiel for a moment. Her large eyes were full of concern and Castiel thought to himself that Anna really was the only person in the world that he truly cared about as her concern was like the knife to the gut. 

"No...no things are f-"

"Don't say 'fine' because you know how much I hate it when you try to say you’re fine." Anna said quickly. "I've known you for too many years to know that they are not fine. Is it your meds or something like that?” 

"No it’s not my meds at all. Things…they're not fine but they're not bad, are you satisfied? Michael, Luke and Gabe were fighting again once Gabe came back home and it just pissed me the hell off. I couldn't get to sleep after that." Castiel explained. After Castiel had walked out of the dinner Michael had been in a foul mood but that mood had worsened when Gabriel didn't even come home until past eleven o'clock at night. Their argument had raged until the early hours of the morning and Castiel couldn’t drown them out despite trying to do so with the music spilling out his headphones being turned up to an incredibly high volume. 

"What were they fighting about this time? When Naomi was on the phone the other day she happened to mention that Michael had seemed really stressed out at work recently." Anna remarked and Castiel refrained from snorting. Anna's eldest sister Naomi worked with Michael and she always seemed far too happy to offer ways to Michael how he could 'fix' the most wayward member of the Novak family also known as Castiel or to just generally gossip about the whole Novak family. 

"They were fighting because Gabriel is Gabriel like always, Luke is Luke like always and Michael is a douche...like always." Castiel pointed out and Anna seemed to agree because she nodded. 

"How did the dinner go in the end? The fire department weren’t called so can we class it as a small victory?"

"It didn't happen in the end. Gabriel was a no-show and I wasn't going to sit there at a table with Luke and Michael without him so I bailed." Castiel said shrugging before sipping on his coffee. They had added just the right amount of cinnamon, the way Castiel loved it. 

"I bet Michael loved that..." Anna said.

"Oh he was thrilled." Castiel said sarcastically. Anna shot him a comforting look but it seemed like something dawned on her. “Hey, how was the ride back home with Dean?” she asked suddenly looking very interested.

“What is the fascination with this guy? Do you like him or something? Should Inias be concerned?” Castiel asked. Anna scoffed loudly like the thought was completely ridiculous.

“Of course not! What’s interesting is that you’re being friendly towards him; well you’re version of friendly that is. You’re never friendly towards anyone apart from maybe me and occasionally Jo and that’s mainly because she’s my friend and gives us cheap coffee.”

“That’s not true.” Castiel said even though it exactly was. “I’m friends with Meg.” He pointed out.

“Oh and she’s a shining beacon of positivity!” Anna said rolling her eyes.

“She’s not _that_ bad.”

“Yeah whatever. So the ride was ok? You’re still here so clearly Dean kidnap you and bury your body in the woods.”

“You watch too much _CSI_ for your own good.” Castiel muttered.

“Oh shut up and tell me.” Anna said holding her hand out for another piece of bagel.

“It was fine, he drove me home.” Castiel said shrugging not mentioning that he’d actually gone back to Dean’s house. He thought that little titbit would send Anna of into a lengthy and very one-sided discussion.

“Really? He drove you home?” Anna asked.

“Yes, he drove me home and that’s that.” Castiel said shrugging his shoulders.

“Really?”

“Yes Anna so please just change the subject.”

"Ok then, did you hear about the party in a few weeks? The one at Meg Masters’ house?" Anna asked and Castiel nodded his head.

"Meg told me told me about it in detention the other day." Castiel explained. The party was being hosted by Meg Masters, a senior like Anna and Castiel, who lived out the outskirts of town by the large lake with her mother and younger step-sister Ruby. Castiel and Meg had been friends since middle school and so Anna kept her opinions on Meg to a minimum since Meg always threw legendary parties and Anna happened to tutor Ruby in chemistry. 

"So I guess we're going then..." Anna said clearly trying to hide the disapproval in her voice though she did not fully succeed.

"You don't have to go there if you don't want to." Castiel pointed out.

"If I don't go then who will keep an eye on you?" Anna asked like it was the most obvious question she could have asked.

"I need someone to keep an eye on me?" Castiel snickered. Anna gave him a playful push on the shoulder with her hand. 

"Oh please! You're either even more of a sulking sarcastic know-it-all or you’re a complete lush when you are drunk. Do you remember when you kissed a very surprised looking Jo at the last party we went to?" Anna asked snorting loudly.

"No..." Castiel said failing to recall that memory. Jo had failed to mention that to Castiel so he wondered if she didn’t remember it either.

"Exactly, that proves an awful lot. Now I'm going to the party as long as you promise me you won't end up talking to Meg for most of the night. I don't mind Ruby, she can be really sweet when she puts her mind to it, but Meg drives me up the wall." Anna said slowing her car down slightly as she came closer to the school.

"Ok Meg can be a bit...prickly but she can be a decent enough person."

"Are you saying that because you want me to stop disliking Meg and you think she is a nice person or because you drunkenly slept with her over the summer?" Anna asked. Castiel winced slightly at that memory, which he hadn't been too drunk to forget, before rolling his eyes at Anna. "Yeah well that's what you get for being slutty. Hester Lowes is still pissed at you for sleeping with her brother last year." Anna pointed out.

"I barely remember that." Castiel said frowning slightly.

"Which proves that you should stop getting drunk and having sex with people if you don't want to piss them off when you either ignore them afterwards or tell them that you barely remember said sexual encounter if you remember it at all." Anna said sounding vaguely like Naomi which was truly frightening. Anna could be scary at times but Naomi was another force entirely.

"Stop being pious, it doesn't suit you" Castiel said as they pulled into the student parking lot. Anna parked her car next to the sleek looking black car owned by no other than Dean Winchester and just as Castiel was climbing out the passenger seat, coffee cup and the remains of his bagel in hand, he heard someone call his name. Glancing over his shoulder he saw Charlie Winchester climbing out the backseat of the black car with a smile on her face. 

"Hey Castiel!" Charlie said giving him a small wave. Castiel nodded back as he momentarily watched Dean Winchester slide from out then driver’s seat. His younger brother Sam hurried after him with a large backpack that Castiel assumed was full of books. "See you in English?" Charlie asked giving Castiel a bright smile. Castiel nodded while he watched Anna take in Charlie's attire from her mass of red hair clipped back haphazardly with hair grips that had various cartoon characters on them to her t-shirt that referenced Harry Potter and her shoes with their rainbow laces. 

"Anna this is Charlie Winchester, Charlie this is my friend Anna Milton." Castiel said while Charlie beamed at Anna. He watched Anna continued to take Charlie in, probably trying to figure out if she was a bad influence like Meg, until she gave her a pleasant smile. Castiel assumed that Anna was thinking that a girl in rainbow shoelaces couldn’t be much of a bad influence.  

"It’s really nice to meet you Anna." Charlie said before glancing over to Castiel and rummaging in her bag. A few moments later she pulled out the book she had recommended the evening before. "Here's that book I was telling you about last night; ignore the pen and pencil marks, when I find a line or paragraph I really like or I think would make a good blog post, something like that, I tend to underline it or try and ring around it. It drives Dean insane which is why he doesn't lend me any of his books anymore" Charlie said with a chuckle. "Anyway I’ll let you get to your first class, see you in English!" Charlie added before she hurried off into the building. Dean walked past Castiel with a raised eyebrow and a small smile on his lips but he didn't say anything. Anna on the other hand turned to Castiel with a face full of questions.

"Go on Anna, I know you're dying to say whatever is going on in your head." Castiel said with a sigh as they made their way to form.

"You're being social and talking to Charlie Winchester...about books. Did Michael finally drug you and give you that lobotomy he’s wanted to give you since you were thirteen?" Anna asked.

"Very funny, very funny." Castiel muttered. Anna sighed loudly at the sarcastic tone of Castiel’s voice.

"Oh stop scowling. I'm just saying that you normally find people like her annoying. People like Jo or Meg are more your kind of person."

"That's meant to mean what exactly?"

"You know what I mean. Charlie is…well she wears Doctor Who sweaters and looks like she’d happily live at Comic Con whereas the detention crowd...well they seem more like your kind of people even if I don’t like it" Anna said with a slight smirk. "Hey I'm not saying it’s a bad thing that you’re friends with Charlie, she seems nice enough-"

“We’re not friends, we’re…we just know one another.” Castiel quickly said.

“Ok Castiel, ok.” Anna said rolling her eyes slightly as they headed off to Algebra. Castiel slumped down into his seat and couldn’t help but notice Dean glance over at him. Castiel looked back for a moment before turning his attention back to the desk in front of him.

 

 

 

\---

Two days later Castiel found Charlie sat by herself in the library. She was buried in a book with her headphones leaking out loud music and it took several attempts to catch her attention. In the end he tapped Charlie on the top of the head. “Here’s your book back.” Castiel said with a slight smile as Charlie pulled her headphones off her head.

“Oh hi! You’ve finished it already?” Charlie asked sounding surprised. Castiel nodded at her as she beamed at him excitedly. “Wow and I thought I was a fast reader, what did you think of it? Didn’t you think that the main character’s core ideals were completely farfetched and…wait you probably want to get to lunch don’t you?” Charlie said.

“Um not really.” Castiel said shrugging his shoulders. Anna was in the graphics department working on her latest piece of work and Castiel has been planning on spending his lunch break in the art block working on his portfolio and maybe eating a protein bar if he got hungry. It wasn’t until Charlie mentioned lunch that he noticed the small brown paper bad slightly spilling out of her overstuffed backpack on the study table. “Planning on eating up here?” he asked.

“What? Oh…yeah. I mean the cafeteria kind of intimidates me plus I sort of don’t have anywhere to sit…Dean’s gotten to know some of the guys from the football team and, sort of, become friends with them and I’m not insane enough to even attempt to sit at the same table as a bunch of cheerleaders. I like my self-esteem thank you very much plus I’d have nothing to talk to them about.” Charlie said nodding at her brown paper bag. “I’d rather eat in here; study books don’t judge you for eating a cheese burger.” Charlie added. There was such a sad look in Charlie’s eyes that without even thinking about it Castiel sat down opposite her and pulled out his sketch pad. “What are you doing?”

“Joining you for lunch, the art block will be full of the poser freshman hipsters trying to suck up to the art teachers anyway and the last thing I need is a bunch of try hard galaxy print wearing freshman trying to bribe the TAs with chai teas and gluten free soy cakes. It’s bad enough when the sophomores try it on with the TAs.” Castiel said hoping that Charlie would take this to be the truth. The fact that he genuinely felt sorry for Charlie sat by herself in the study room was a driving force behind sitting with her. He wasn’t going to tell Charlie this though as he doubted she would appreciate his pity.

“Well thank you, it’s nice to know that you like my company more than a bunch of hipsters.” Charlie said smirking. “While I can’t tell you who is ‘in’ and ‘hip’ I could easily tell everything you’ve never wanted to know about Harry Potter.”

“I can honestly say that isn’t a lot I wouldn’t want to know about Harry Potter if you wanted to tell me anything.”

“That’s good to know.” Charlie said with a genuine looking smile.

“See? You’ve learnt something about and I made you smile.”

“So listen…you’re probably the only person that has been remotely nice to me at this school since I came here and I’m normally pretty bad at making friends and such so…well I was wondering , do you wanted to come over to my house tonight if you’re not busy? We can watch cheesy sci-fi and fantasy films and eat too much popcorn.” Charlie said stuttering every now and then. “

Friday nights for Castiel were usually spent doing whatever he could do to feel…something, anything. Meg Masters’ parties were always a good distraction from whatever was going on in Castiel’s life at the time. Castiel was about to tell Charlie that he would probably be busy when he saw the hopeful look in her eyes.

Charlie was a nice person; she was funny, bright and clearly loved her family. Castiel couldn’t actually understand why people had judged Charlie because, yes she did seem in her own world half the time thanks to her attachment to her books and her music but she was a nice person. Castiel was right when he thought that the people in his school were too judgemental and a giant bag of dicks. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Charlie said suddenly looking nervous like she could almost hear Castiel declining her offer. True Castiel didn’t like getting close to anyone but he couldn’t stand thinking that he could easily upset Charlie if he said ‘no’ to her. She was a nice person who didn’t deserve to be treated badly by anyone.

“That sounds really good to me Charlie.” Castiel said and the smile that Charlie gave him could have brought freaking dead puppies back to life as it was that bright. “What time would you want me round?”

“About seven? Is that ok for you? We’ll probably have the house to ourselves…not in _that_ way…damn…well I mean my brothers will probably be out the house, I’m not sure, so we’ll probably be left alone by them.”

“Seven sounds ok to me.” Castiel said quickly before Charlie could launch into a long rambling monologue.

“Great…great…I’ll see you later on then!”

 

 

 

\---

Castiel didn’t have to get back home anytime soon and he had at least an hour to kill before Anna was finished up in the office so he decided to quickly go to his locker and fetch the running clothes stored in there.

The weak Minnesota sun peaked lazily through the clouds as Castiel sat in the bleachers and tied his running shoes. Of all the things Castiel had given up over the past few years the only thing he found it impossible to give up on was running. He never felt happier than when he was running. It was something he didn’t have to think about, like when he was sketching, it was just something that happened. Sometimes it was almost like flying.

Grabbing his iPod and earphones he selected one of the many playlists he had made for when he was running; it was a mix of classic rock that he’d grown up with hearing during one of many ‘who can play their music the loudest’ competitions that Gabriel and Luke had been involved in over the years. Castiel had grown up with battles of Metallica verses Led Zeppelin, The Who verses Ramones and even Fleetwood Mac verses Grateful Dead. By the age of eleven Castiel had invested in many pairs of quality earplugs while Luke and Gabriel battled it out. 

His feet pounded against the track making the familiar sound that he’d loved since he was young. His muscles complained for the first few minutes as he hadn’t been running since the last track meet the week before until they grew quiet and he fell into a steady pace. Part of him wished he had a stopwatch with him to record his time but they were all locked up back in the gym and he wasn’t in the mood to be caught trying to break into the gym cupboards on a Friday afternoon. He didn’t really have to worry about his time though; he had been the fastest at the track meet the week before just like he had for the last several months.  

Running was something that came easy to him; there should have been some bitter irony in that but it was a truth really. Throughout middle school Castiel had always been one of the fastest; he always won first place trophies on sports days and so by the time he got to high school Castiel he been invested in several running clubs and he’d practically waltzed onto the track team in freshman year.  It didn’t matter on the terrain or the weather conditions, Castiel was a fast and highly determined runner and he always would be.

His legs slowly began to burn with each step as Castiel realised he’d been running for nearly thirty minutes. It didn’t matter that his calves burnt because the feeling of running and the sound of his running shoes hitting the track made him feel free. When he was running the only thing that mattered was the track. There was nothing outside of the running track, none of the troubles and problems. When he was running Castiel was free.

The phone is Castiel’s pocket beeped loudly making him slow downed to a steady jog then a gentle walk. An unread message from Anna came up onto the screen. She was nearly finished in the office and would be ready in about fifteen minutes. Castiel began doing a mix of jogging and walking back towards the bleachers where he had placed his bag then stopped when he saw a familiar figure in that damn worn leather jacket sitting on the first row with a soda can in his hand. Castiel couldn’t help noticing how damn relaxed Dean looked sitting, how carefree and uncomplicated he seemed as he sat in that stupid jacket with that fucking smirk. Castiel wasn’t sure if he was starting to dislike Dean because of his tendency of always being there or if he was just starting to hate him because Dean was fucking attractive and it didn’t help matters really. Hopefully Castiel could blame the jumbled up thoughts racing through his head on the fact that he’d been running…and perhaps he would believe that was the only reason why he was having said jumbled up thoughts.

“Wow…you’re fast.” Dean said rising from his seat on the bleachers.

“You were watching me?” Castiel asked slightly breathlessly as he raised an eyebrow. He reached for his bag and pulled out a bottle of water, taking generous gulps he continued to stare Dean down.

“No I just happened to be walking by from detention and I saw you”

“Are you going for a record on how many detentions you can get in your first few weeks here?”

“Yeah, something like that…I didn’t know you ran…like I said, you’re pretty fast.” Dean said breaking the eye contact first and running a hand through his hair. The action made Castiel instantly conscious of his own hair which was no doubt looking just as unruly and windswept as it always did after he ran. He wasn’t going to let Dean know that he felt remotely self-conscious stood here though.

“Yeah I should be fast; I’m the state champion.” Castiel said with a shrug knowing full well that it sounded like he was bragging.

“You run competitively?” Dean asked sounding surprised. Castiel frowned slightly at the tone of disbelief in Dean’s voice. “I…I just meant that you don’t seem like the kind of person who would run. I mean you’re an artist and you read a lot…it’s just surprising, that’s all…um…do you run short or long distance?”

“Long distance mainly. I’m on the cross country team as well as the track team plus I run marathons.” Castiel said; once again Dean looked surprised and Castiel actually found it infuriating because why would Dean possibly look surprised? He didn’t know him from anyone else in this damn school, for all Dean knew Castiel could be a freaking bee keeper so why was Dean looking at him like that? “Well not that this hasn’t been fascinating talking to you but I have to get going.” Castiel said placing his water bottle back into his bag and beginning to walk away. Part of him wasn’t surprised when he heard Dean hurrying up behind him. Maybe there had been something, a blossoming friendship between the two of them thanks to their time spent in detention but really what use was that? Castiel had learnt over the years that if you kept yourself away from people then you had less people to hurt and disappoint in the long run.

“I could give you a ride home; you’ve been running for a while so you must be tired.” Dean offered.

“Anna is working in the office so I’ve got a ride waiting for me and if she’s late on meatloaf night I’ll never hear the end of it” Castiel said shortly.

“Oh…ok. Well I’ll see you in Algebra on Monday” Dean said, clearly Charlie hadn’t told him that she had invited Castiel to the Winchester’s house that night. The thought actually made Castiel happy because it was easier that way.

“Maybe” Castiel said with a shrug. If he could get away with it Castiel would normally skip Monday’s Algebra class to sleep in. It had a tendency to drive Anna insane because that would mean that she would have to give Castiel her notes but she didn’t say too much because she probably knew there was no point in saying anything.

“Bye Cas…” Dean said as Castiel picked up his speed closer towards the student parking lot. For a moment Castiel looked back to see a despondent look on Dean’s face; he tried to convince his brain it meant nothing to him at all.

Anna was waiting for him by her in the parking lot and when she saw Castiel she gave him a small wave.

“So what’s the plan for tonight? Please don’t tell me that you’re going to spend all night in your room hiding from Luke or Michael.”

“I would say that is a strong possibility but no, I’m actually going to be going to Charlie’s house.” Castiel said waiting for Anna’s reaction. She did not disappoint as she actually laughed rather loudly. “Thanks Anna.” Castiel muttered sarcastically opening the car down and sliding into the passenger seat.

“I’m sorry, I thought you were joking. You’re going to Charlie Winchester’s house? _Really_?” Anna asked sliding into her own seat. 

“Yes, she asked me if I wanted to come over and marathon a few sci-fi films with her.”

“And you said yes? Wow…I’m amazed.” Anna laughed starting up the car and beginning to back out of the parking lot. “You’re developing people skills; it’s about time to be honest. Does this mean you’re going to stop hanging around with the likes of Meg Masters and her band of moronic minions?”

“You have a terrible view of Meg considering you spend every Tuesday afternoon at her house.” Castiel said.

“Yes tutoring Ruby, I never see Meg there and luckily Ruby isn’t anything like her.” Anna said. “She was actually telling me about this boy in a few of her classes that she really likes. She didn’t tell me his name thought but I think she really likes him. It’s cute.” Anna said with a wistful smile. 

 

 

 

\---

The house seemed empty when Castiel returned home. Both his father and Michael would be at work and Luke would be wherever Luke felt like being on a Friday afternoon but that certainly wasn’t at home seeing as his motorbike wasn’t on the driveway. Castiel let himself into the house as Anna drove off towards her house and he was only placing his keys into his back pocket when Castiel heard Gabriel’s voice coming from somewhere in the house.

“Hey bro!” Gabriel called and a moment later Castiel watched as his brother came strolling out of the kitchen with a large bottle of soda in his hand. “Hey, you’re back before six…I’m guessing it was a good day at school. You didn’t make anyone cry?”

“No I didn’t.” Castiel said with a roll of his eyes. “Anna was working in the office and I went for a run.” He added with a shrug.

“So no detention? Dad and Michael will be so proud…I so hope there’s cake.” Gabriel said.

“Yeah well I’m going out and I really didn’t feel like getting detention today.” Castiel said with a slight sigh. “Besides, I didn’t put my meds into my bag this morning so I need to take them.” Castiel added with another shrug of his shoulders as he began walking towards the kitchen. Gabriel quickly followed him.

“So…you doing ok…right?” Gabriel asked cautiously. Castiel wasn’t going to act like the way people constantly tiptoed around him wasn’t highly annoying but he assumed that Gabriel no doubt had his reasons for sounding cautious after all he was the one that had found Castiel six months previously. It had always made Gabriel cautious about what he said; it was almost as if he actually had a filter between his mouth and his brain for once.

_-panicked voice and hands gripping onto Castiel as if his life depended on the pressure of the fingers against his cool skin._

_“Castiel? Fuck! Castiel? Castiel! Dad? Michael? Someone call an ambulance! Castiel come on, don’t do this! Luke! Michael! Someone call a_ fucking _ambulance!” Gabriel yelled-_

“Castiel?” Gabriel pressed.

“Huh?” Castiel asked looking back over at Gabriel who was staring at him expectantly. “What, did you say something?”

“I asked if you were ok.” Gabriel said.

“Ok?”

“Yeah…you know what I mean Castiel. Are you ok?”

“Yeah...Gabe I’m ok, I mean it.” Castiel said. Gabriel’s disbelieving look did not go unnoticed. “Gabriel I am fine. I’d tell you if I wasn’t so just leave it alone.”

“Fine, I’m not going to bring it up again.” Gabriel said holding up his hands in mock defeat. “So you’re going out? Where to, Anna’s?”

“Nah.” Castiel said shaking his head and he began to explain about Charlie. “Charlie and I are…”

“Friends?” Gabriel asked raising an eyebrow expectantly. Gabriel knew that Castiel could count his friends on one hand and still have fingers to spare due so hearing that Castiel would actually be spending an evening with someone that wasn’t Anna was clearly giving him fodder to take the piss out of Castiel.

“Something like that I guess…” Castiel said shrugging refusing to rise to Gabriel’s taunting.

“What is she like?” Gabriel asked sounding surprisingly interested.

“She’s pretty blunt, nerdy and gay.” Castiel said honestly.

“Huh, sounds like my kind of person.” Gabriel said. “How do you know her?”

“She’s in my English class. She’s just moved her with her brothers and her mom.” Castiel said with a nonchalant shrug. “Her brother Dean is in my art class.” Castiel added and instantly regretted it when Gabriel smirked.

“Oh yeah?” Gabriel asked raising an eyebrow suggestively at Castiel. “Let me guess, he’s one of those achingly arty types that you just can’t keep your eyes off; all coffee habit, jeans so skinny they restrict movement and those God awful thick glasses all the ‘hip’ kids are wearing.”

“Actually he’s smokes, wears a leather jacket, spent his first day of school in detention and drives a Chevy Impala from the 1960’s.” Castiel shot back and smirked at Gabriel’s shocked face.

“ _Dude_.” Gabriel said nodding his head. “What the hell is someone like that doing in art?”

“How did this conversation go from Charlie to Dean?” Castiel asked.

“Because you mentioned ‘Dean’. Was it the leather jacket? Did it get you all hot the under collar?”

“You’re a jerk. This is why I don’t talk to you about anything.”

“Oh please, you love me. If I weren’t here then you’d be a hopeless case.” Gabriel said. Castiel narrowed his eyes for a moment and a dark look swept across Gabriel’s face. Castiel could see what he was thinking; if Gabriel wasn’t here then Castiel wouldn’t either because no one would have found him until it was too late. Gabriel coughed awkwardly and gave Castiel an overly enthusiastic grin. “So you’re going over to Charlie’s house then?” he asked.  

The front door slammed shut and heavy footsteps could be heard stomping through the hallway just as Castiel was going to reply. There was only one person who would stomp through the house. Gabriel raised an eyebrow for a moment before the kitchen door flew open and Luke stormed into the room, his face practically contorted with rage.

“Have you seen Dad?” he asked Gabriel obviously trying to sound calm but anger was bubbling up underneath his words.

“No dude, he’s still at work.” Gabriel said. “Why, what’s happened _now_?” Gabriel then asked sounding as tired of the whole constant battle between Luke and their father as Castiel was.

“Look when you see him just tell him that I need to talk to him.” Luke said sounding infuriated.

“Luke-” Gabriel started to say warily.

“Just _do_ it Gabe. I’m really _not_ in the mood to piss about right now.” Luke snapped before walking out the kitchen without so much as a look back towards Castiel.

“Good thing you’re going out huh?” Gabriel said. Castiel didn’t say anything instead he just sighed and headed upstairs towards his room to get changed out of the clothes he’d been in all day.

Luke’s door was open as Castiel walked past and loud music, Led Zeppelin, poured out into the hallway. Castiel stopped and knocked on the door loudly so Luke could hear him. The grunt from inside didn’t sound like ‘Fuck off’ so Castiel walked into the room to find Luke sat on his bed staring up at the ceiling. Luke didn’t look over to where Castiel was standing until he let out a small cough.

“What is it Castiel?” Luke snapped sitting up. Castiel gave him an affronted look and made to turn around and walk away because he wasn’t going to stand there and be snap at when Luke groaned. “Castiel don’t walk off, I’m sorry ok?” Luke sighed. “It’s just…Dad’s fucked me over again and no doubt Michael-”

“Luke I really don’t want to hear about this.” Castiel said holding up his hands.

“I’ve been saving up you see…you know, my money.” Luke said quickly and that stopped Castiel because he always assumed that Luke just frittered his money away except for when it came to his car. “I’ve been picking up more shifts at the bar and I’ve been saving up to move out, get a place in Minneapolis or somewhere like that, but Dad’s frozen my account because he thinks I’m going to do something stupid with my money and it’s was probably Michael’s idea to begin with and-”

“I really don’t care anymore Luke, the problems you have with Michael and our father are your own problems. I just want to make sure that you’re not planning on starting World War III while I’m out.”

“I can’t guarantee that little brother.” Luke said with a weary smile. Castiel couldn’t even find it in himself to smile back because he truly was done with the drama that radiated from his family; he was just so done with it all. “Castiel-” Luke started to say when he saw Castiel’s tired expression.

“Forget it Luke, just forget it ok?” Castiel said turning on his heels and marching out the room towards his own to get changed out of his clothes.

 

 

 

\---

As he took off down the street towards the Winchester’s he spotted his father’s car heading up the street. Ducking behind the nearest tree for a moment Castiel waited until the car had driven past before pulling out his phone and typing out a quick message to Gabriel to warn him that their father was home. Before he got a reply Castiel jammed his earphones into his ears, turned up the volume of his iPod and took off running again. Gabriel would have the sense to stay out of everyone’s way this evening if he knew what was good for him.

 

 

 

\---

Charlie’s smile when she opened the door to Castiel was something he could have happily of carried around with him for weeks after. It was the look on her face, that look of pure openness and happiness, which was so different from Castiel’s own constantly guarded look that threw him. She seemed so genuinely happy that Castiel was there. It was such a strange experience if Castiel was going to be perfectly honest. She practically dragged him into the Winchester’s den which was already set up with a huge bowl of popcorn and a stack of DVDs. While Charlie was setting up the first film Castiel looked around the room noting several framed photos that adorned the walls.

“Nice photo.” Castiel remarked at the framed picture of Charlie and Dean, both of them looking about thirteen years old, having a mock light sabre battle in a garden. Castiel couldn’t help but smirk when he noticed that Dean was wearing a dressing gown in order to make himself look like a Jedi. The Dean he had seen at school certainly didn’t come across as a _Star Wars_ fan at all.

“Yeah, that was taken when we lived with our grandparents a couple of years ago. The framing of it is all wrong but Sam had just gotten a new camera and had to take a picture of us. My nana Campbell found the whole thing really amusing though, I think she has a copy of that photo hung up in somewhere in their house.” Charlie said. “Back when we were little Sam wanted to be a photographer since then though he’s decided that he wants to become a lawyer, I think that’s mainly for peace of mind if Dean’s ever actually breaks the law and not just toe the line.”

“He does seem like the toeing of the line type.” Castiel remarked absentmindedly.

“Funny, he said the same about you.” Charlie said. Castiel could feel heat creeping up his neck and he turned to look at a framed photo so Charlie couldn’t see the blush spreading across his cheeks.

“So did the red hair just skip your mom, Dean and Sam?” Castiel asked looking at a photo of Charlie, Dean and Sam taken on Charlie’s ninth birthday by the look of the half eaten cake, most of which was smeared on Sam’s face.

“Huh?” Charlie asked absentmindedly. Castiel looked pointedly at Charlie’s red hair which had been pulled up off her face and into a messy bun. “Oh… _oh_.”

“Oh?” Castiel asked.

“I’m amazed Dean didn’t tell you, he normally likes to take the piss about it…not maliciously or anything like that obviously, he just likes to make jokes here and there about it.” Charlie said. Seeing Castiel’s confused face she shrugged slightly. “Me, Dean and Sam aren’t actually related. The Winchesters adopted me when I was five years old. Our mom found out she couldn’t have any more children after Sam was born so they adopted me.” Charlie said. Castiel tried, and failed, to hide his surprise at that revelation. He never would have guessed that Charlie was adopted. She seemed so much like the other Winchesters and it was clear that both Sam and Dean adored her. “Clearly they hit the jackpot with me” Charlie added nodding down at her Doctor Who t-shirt.

“Yes because every family needs the hard-core nerd.” Castiel said finding himself smirking. Charlie laughed loudly and threw a handful of popcorn at Castiel as she shook her head.

“Hey I’ve got some pretty big competition when it comes to Dean; he’s a bigger nerd than he would care to admit.” Charlie said as she finished laughing.

“Hence the light sabre fight?”

“Hence the light sabre fight; you know he always did fancy himself as Han Solo when we were younger. It used to drive Sam up the wall.” Charlie said with a small chuckle.

Despite his rule about not getting close to people Castiel couldn't have helped accepting Charlie's invitation to come over to her house for a night of terrible sci-fi films and popcorn. It really was better than being stuck in the house with a pissed off Luke, their father had placed a cap on Luke's finances again much to Luke annoyance, plus Mary had seemed thrilled to see Castiel again, smiling broadly when he had walked into the kitchen with Charlie. She had said that it was lovely to see him again and that made Castiel wonder what his own house would be like if his mother was still around.

"You know, my mom adores you." Charlie muttered as Mary walked out the den after she had placed two bottles of soda in front of them.

"I really can't think of why." Castiel said shaking his head before reaching for his soda. Castiel never did well with parents. After everything he had gone through with his own parents he had found it hard to talk to them without sounding jaded. He just about managed to get Anna's mother to like him but he knew Anna's father Zachariah thought Castiel was a bad influence on Anna even though Anna was bloody minded enough to make up her own mind about things. 

"Oh please! You're charming towards her and you have that dreamy quality about you that middle aged housewives no doubt love." Charlie said nudging Castiel slightly. "After Dean brought you home she couldn't stop asking about you and when you would next be round.”

“Really?” Castiel asked because he found that very difficult to believe.

“Yeah. What's going on with you and my brother anyway? I thought you two were friends but he doesn’t hang out with you at school."

"We're...we're more people who see each other in detention." Castiel said shrugging. Charlie snorted with what sounded like disbelief. 

"Dean is not a people person at all. Sure he has a few friends at this school, he's charming to girls and stuff like that but he's terrible with most people, I think it's to do with the general air of cockiness, but he asked you over to our house after two days of knowing you. That's pretty big for Dean."

"He was doing me a favour more than anything Charlie."

"You sure?" Charlie asked sceptically.

"Very much so." Castiel said trying to sound convincing though by the look on Charlie’s face she really didn’t believe him. Castiel really wished that people would stop looking at him like that. Instead of saying anything Charlie just threw several pieces of popcorn into her mouth and settled herself down back into the couch

 

 

 

\---

They were just starting on their third film when headlights from a car filled up the room for a moment before being switched off. Castiel was sure he could hear the final verse from _The Rain Song_ by Led Zeppelin being played loudly before that too was cut off.

“Hey! Is there anyone home?” a voice called out from the hallway as Castiel heard the front door closed with a loud slam. It took a moment for Castiel to realise it was Dean’s voice and he became incredibly confused when his pulse began to quicken. Castiel should have realised it was Dean from the music but what he couldn’t understand was why his pulse had quicken, it was just like when Charlie had caused him to blush…it was not a good thing because he couldn’t develop a crush on Dean Winchester of all people.

“We’re in the den loser!” Charlie called back before taking a generous gulp of her soda. The casual way Charlie ribbed Dean was actually rather amusing and a lot friendlier than the way Gabriel, Michael and Luke fought with one another. 

“Hey there ginger” Dean said walking into the den and stopping with a surprised look on his face when he spotted Castiel sat there next to Charlie. “Oh, hey there Castiel” He said coughing slightly “I didn’t know you were gonna be here man…um what are you guys watching?”

" _Wrath of Khan_. Castiel’s been living under a rock and has never seen any of the Star Trek films so we’re amending that right now." Charlie said.

"Wow, are you trying to ruin his life?" Dean asked as he pulled off his leather jacket and placed it onto the nearest chair carefully. Considering the worn quality of the fabric Castiel assumed it was one of those jackets you would just throw over a chair carelessly and yet that clearly wasn’t the case as the way Dean handled it you would think it was made of spun gold.

“Just because you cried like a child for an hour and forty minutes after watching this doesn’t mean that Castiel will. He’s probably a lot more emotionally stable than you when it comes to this stuff.” Charlie said smiling widely when she saw Dean’s face redden. “So…were you out with Benny and Victor?” Charlie asked mentioning two of the football players who Castiel had spoken to maybe three times in his life and those times were only ever after track events.

“Yeah, we were hanging round at Benny’s house. Sammy’s round at some girl’s house right?”

“Yeah I think, he mentioned something about it this morning…her name’s Ruby…something. She’s in a few of his classes’ right? I swear I listen to him but when he starts to talk about advanced geometry I tend to stop listening.” Charlie said nonchalantly pausing the DVD to carry on her conversation with Dean.

"Ruby Dawson-Masters?" Castiel asked Charlie. Charlie shrugged her shoulders and glanced back at Dean.

"Yeah that's her, do you know her?" Dean asked.

"Sort of I guess, Anna tutors her and she's Meg Masters' younger step-sister." Castiel explained. Dean frowned slightly as if trying to remember who Meg was. "Long dark hair with a permanent sneer and is always in detention. She's the one who is hosting that huge party near the lake in a few weeks." Castiel added hoping this would be a decent enough description of Meg. 

"Oh...is Ruby anything like Meg?" Dean asked warily. Meg’s not so stellar reputation certainly preceded her.

"I don't really know Ruby that well so I can’t tell you much about her, I've seen her at Meg's parties a few times but I've never really spoken to her that much. Anna would be able to tell you more to be honest." Castiel said.

"I think Sammy has the hots for her." Dean said smirking at Charlie.

"Yeah well even if he does then leave him alone about it! Remember back in Wichita when you teased him mercilessly about that girl Sarah?" 

"Hey, that was funny!" Dean said defensively.

"Um _no_ , it was mean! Besides I thought he was still hung up on Jessica back from when we lived in Wyoming" Charlie said. Dean shrugged his shoulders while still smiling wickedly. Charlie rolled her eyes and turned back to Castiel with an exasperated sigh. "Are you this mean to your brothers about girls?" She asked.

"Not really. Gabriel has been dating his girlfriend Kali since they were in the ninth grade together; she's at NYU taking a major Mathematics and Chaos Theory with a minor in in Ancient History. She wants to become a chaotician" Castiel said. He actually really liked Kali, sure she was scary as hell sometimes because she was wicked smart and easy to talk to, plus she had Gabriel wrapped around her little finger which was always highly amusing.

"Whoa, that sounds badass. Do you have any other siblings?" Charlie asked. Dean looked from Castiel to Charlie for a second with a confused expression seeing as Dean knew how many brothers Castiel had. Then again Dean wasn’t to know that Castiel hated talking about his brothers apart from Gabriel most of the time. Not talking about Michael or Luke was just easier in the long run. 

"Um yeah...I have two other brothers. Luke is permanently single and I think Michael is secretly in love with my friend Anna's eldest sister Naomi." Castiel explained to Charlie. Charlie let out a small smile and Castiel caught Dean’s expression change from that of confusion to a bemused look.

“Never thought of playing Match Maker?” Charlie asked. 

“No offence to Naomi but I can barely stand her when I’m round Anna’s house, I couldn’t handle her dating my brother” Castiel explained while Charlie chuckled for a moment before she turned to Dean. 

"So are you joining us or are you just going to sit there like a spare part?" Charlie asked Dean.

"I wouldn't want to interrupt." Dean said though it sounded sarcastic. 

"No, you just don't want to cry again." Charlie said.

"He was and always would be Jim's friend ok!" Dean retorted causing Charlie to chuckle loudly.

"Oh nut up Winchester and sit down. Khan is about to launch into his maniacal and evil plan." Charlie said. Dean sighed but sat down on the couch but not before grabbing the bowl of popcorn from out of Charlie’s hands. Charlie gave a sound of disbelief before pouting until Dean threw a handful of popcorn at her head. Several piece of popcorn ended up falling onto Castiel. Dean shot Castiel an apologetic look but instead of saying anything Castiel threw one of the pieces of popcorn into his mouth. “If you cry try to keep it quiet.” Charlie shot at Dean with a smirk and once again Dean threw several handfuls of popcorn at Charlie. “Mom! Dean’s throwing popcorn!” Charlie yelled in the direction of the kitchen.

“You’re a child.” Dean sighed.

“It takes one to know one Winchester.” Charlie swiftly shot back before they settled into comfortable silence apart from when Charlie and Dean felt like it was necessary to quote lines along with Captain Kirk and half of the other characters. Castiel was actually surprised to find out that Dean did a very good Chekov impression which managed to make Charlie snort soda out her nose. Then again there was something about watching a guy wearing an ACDC shirt saying ‘Keptin Kirk’ which made it almost impossible to not snort soda out your nose.

 

 

 

\---

They were near the end of _Wrath of Khan_ when they heard a car pull up onto the driveway. Dean’s face filled with glee when he realised it was Sam back from Ruby’s house. Charlie glared at him and looked ready to throw several cushions at him.

“Yo Sammy!” Dean called as the front door shut. After a few moments Sam walked into the den with a small smile on his face. “How’d the night go?” Dean said raising an eyebrow.

“Fine.” Sam said narrowing his eyes slightly at Dean.

“Just fine?” Dean asked. 

“Yes Dean, it was fine. Ruby and I got loads of work done on this project we’re doing together. I met her mom who is really cool and Ruby’s sister Meg is ok. Apparently Meg is having a party soon…Ruby asked me if I wanted to go so she has someone there that she knows.” Sam said as a small smile crept across his face. Castiel remembered what Anna had said about Ruby telling her about Sam, about her liking him and by the look of Sam’s smile he clearly liked Ruby as well. “Wait…you guys are watching _Wrath of Khan_? Does Dean have a box of tissues handy?” Sam then asked when he looked up at the TV screen. Dean quickly threw a couch cushion which hit Sam square in the face.

“I was going to be nice about your little date with this Ruby chick but now I’m just going to take the piss out of you and be a total dick.” Dean said.

“So no change there then.” Sam commented and Castiel watched with fascination as Dean and Sam ended up in a cushion war that only ended when Mary came into the den with more sodas. The cushion fight, if you could call a fight that involved cushions an actual fight, didn’t end until Sam fell over his own feet and knock himself out on the corner of the coffee table.

“You know I would like to go one week without one of you injuring yourselves.” Mary said rolling her eyes as she placed a tray of sodas on the table next to Charlie.

“Dream big mom, dream big.” Dean said as he tried to supress his laughter at Sam falling over. “Hey mom, did Sammy tell you about his date?”

“It wasn’t a date! Ruby and I were studying!” Sam cried sounding very much like a bratty small child. Castiel wouldn’t have been surprised if he didn’t stamp his feet to make his statement more clear.

“Yeah, I’ve done plenty of ‘studying’ in my past.” Dean muttered under his breath with a playful smirk.

“You know it is possible to hang out with a girl and not be a creepy jerk right?” Sam asked Dean who just rolled his eyes by way of a response.

“Stop corrupting Sam you horn dog.” Charlie said giving Dean a painful looking whack on the arm

“I agree with your sister on this Dean.” Mary said. “Are you hungry Sammy? I can make you something if you are.”

“Nah I’m fine Mom, I’m going to go to bed actually.” Sam said dodging out of the way of Dean throwing another cushion at him. Sam had only been upstairs a few minutes when Castiel noticed Charlie’s head begin to droop.

"Tired?" Dean asked when Charlie yawned loudly. Charlie shook her head but it was painfully obvious that she was finding it difficult to stay awake seeing as it was nearly one in the morning. "Go to bed Charlie. You up half the night reading, I saw your light on at three this morning. I can drive Castiel back home if he wants." Dean said nudging Charlie playfully on the arm. 

"Are you sure?" Charlie asked. Dean nodded his head. "Is that ok with you Castiel?" She then asked looking over at Castiel who just shrugged his shoulders. "Ok then, good night then. Thanks for coming over tonight Castiel, it was really good fun." Charlie said giving Castiel a wide smile before pulling herself up off the couch.

“Glad to be here.” Castiel said as Charlie gave him a quick one armed hug he didn’t mind returning. Charlie gave him another bright smile before shooting a smirk at Dean and leaving the den.

"So…you and my sister-" Dean started to say once Charlie was out the room. Castiel held up a hand to stop Dean before he could say anymore that would embarrass both of them. 

"We're just friends Dean. Besides, I know that Charlie is gay. It was excruciatingly evident after this afternoon in English when she asked me if Jo was single." Castiel said. Dean looked visibly relieved that Castiel wasn’t after his sister; clearly he was very protective of her.

"Oh…good…good as in it’s good that you’re not interested in Charlie…you know because I was going to say that you'd be barking up the wrong and not remotely straight tree there if you did like my sister." Dean said with a smirk on his lips. Definitely protective of Charlie then. Castiel briefly wondered if any of his brothers were protective of him, perhaps Gabriel but the other two tended to forget that he was in the house most of the time. If anything the closest Castiel got to understanding Dean’s protective nature was with Anna who Castiel would protect until the end of time and he knew Anna would do the same for him.

"As would Charlie, barking up the wrong tree that is…well kind of I guess." Castiel said shrugging his shoulders. Dean’s brow furrowed for a moment as Castiel’s word clearly sunk in. Clearly Castiel was more tired than he thought if he was actually saying this to Dean Winchester of all people. He waited for the inevitable freak out to come but instead Dean just sat there looking vaguely stunned for a moment before speaking.

"What...oh you're..."

"I'm bisexual if we're going to label it which I really wish people would stop doing because it’s a bit pathetic. It's just one of the many, _many_ things that Michael and I disagree on." Castiel said before he realised what he had said. He chuckled slightly and shook his head. "I can't believe I just told you that, you of all people as well." He muttered. He really must have been more tired than he thought, he would have blamed alcohol or painkillers but he was completely sober for the first Friday in a long time.

"Why me of all people?" Dean asked. "If you're going to start saying shit about me being some homophobic dick-"

"I wasn't planning on saying anything of the sort." Castiel said stopping Dean mid-sentence.

"Oh...oh ok then...but why me ‘of all people’ then if you weren't going to say anything like that?" Dean asked. 

"Well you could easily use it as ammunition against me." Castiel explained. Dean raised an eyebrow as if to question Castiel's remark. "Look, I've won enough medals and titles for the school with my running for the football team to leave me alone but if it came out that I was into guys as well as girls they would probably have a few things to say about it."

"Benny and Victor aren't like that." Dean said.

"Maybe, maybe not. Just don't tell anyone ok? Anna and people like Jo know but that's because they're not likely to paint the word 'fag' or something equally crude and insulting on my locker." Castiel said.

"Well neither would I...just saying..." Dean muttered before he shoved his mouth full of popcorn. A wave of silence fell between them as the film continued and normally Castiel welcomed silence but this was heavy and incredibly awkward. He should have just kept his mouth shut and not said anything at all to Dean. A runaway mouth was just one of Castiel’s lesser qualities, add that to the shitty personality he was convinced he possessed along with his overtly sarcastic manner of speaking and Castiel was amazed that Anna or Jo were friends with him and that Charlie seemingly wanted to be friends with him. Before Castiel could think of something witty to say his phone buzzed in his pocket. He was tempted to leave it but when he saw Gabriel’s name he opened the message and his heart dropped.

 **Gabriel: 00:32 -** _Code Red, I repeat CODE RED: Dad and Luke came to blows over the money thing. Luke called Dad a dick and the shit hit the fan. Dad being called to New York for a few weeks for work, he mentioned it to me but I just heard New York and jumped. I've gone with him and I'm going to be staying with Kali until Luke calms down or stops being a dick. Michael gave his input, like always, and that just pissed Luke off even more. I suggest you stay with Anna until this blows over or one of them grows some balls and apologises…you might be waiting for the second coming of Jesus if you’re hoping for the latter…._

"Fuck..." Castiel groaned under his breath and cursed his whole damn family. Michael could never stop himself from getting involved when it came to arguments between Luke and their father which never failed to infuriate Luke. It was impossible to believe that either of them were in their mid to late twenties with how they acted and it was just one of the many things that drove Castiel insane when it came to his family. 

"What's up?" Dean asked. 

"You really want to know?" Castiel scoffed and he was surprised by the honest look on Dean's face.

"That's why I'm asking you isn't it? What’s wrong?" Dean pointed out. Castiel sighed and contemplated lying to Dean but he was tired and he needed to let out his anger before it twisted itself into something nasty. Besides he couldn't talk to Anna, it was too late, and Dean was right there.

"My brother, Luke, well…well he got into a fight with my dad and basically everything as exploded back at home…once again." Castiel said feeling himself grow hot because he was telling someone that wasn't Anna about his family problems and he'd never done that, not even in therapy. "My dad has gone to New York for some work conference and my brother Gabriel has gone as well to see his girlfriend...that means it is just Luke and Michael in the house..." Castiel added. He would have to go home and try to stay out of Luke and Michael's way until he could get to Anna's house. Hopefully he could stay in his room long enough to stay out of their way.

"Shit, that's rough man...look do you want to stay here for the night? It's pretty fucking late anyway and I doubt you'd want to go home right now when your brothers are fighting. You can sleep on the couch if you want. It’s a damn comfy couch, I mean it has to be for the amount of times that Charlie has fallen asleep on it in the past during some TV show marathon.”

"I couldn't." Castiel said gruffly as he felt a blush crept up his neck.

"Why not?" Dean asked.

"I wouldn't want to impose." Castiel said honestly. He hated the feeling he got when he stayed at Anna’s that no one, apart from Anna, wanted him there and he certainly didn’t want the Winchesters to think the same as the Miltons’.

"Fuck sake dude, my mom thinks you're the second coming of Jesus and Charlie likes you enough to crack out the collector’s edition of _Wrath of Khan_ , you're really not imposing." Dean said sounding slightly exasperated.

"Dean-" Castiel tried to say but the other boy held up this hand to silence Castiel instantly.

"You're staying here for the night and I'm not taking no for an answer so shut up.” Dean said.

"Are you sure?" Castiel asked. It would feel awkward staying at the Winchester's but it was better than going home and there would be no way of staying at Anna's now seeing as it was nearly one in the morning and she would probably be sleep right now. 

"Yeah, of course I'm sure you idiot." Dean said. “By the way you said it going back home to your brothers wouldn’t be the most fun thing for you to do right now, the least I can do is offer you our couch so just get over it already.” Dean added with a shrug. “Let me go and get you a cover or something so you don’t freeze in the middle of the night.” Dean rose up on the couch and after a few moments Castiel heard him walking up the staircase. He wasn’t exactly sure how, in the space of a minute, he’d agreed to sleep on the Winchester’s couch but he was grateful that it meant he wouldn’t have to return home to Luke and Michael fighting with one another or ignoring each other so much that it made the house feel physically freezing.

Dean came back into the living room carrying a large comforter, some pillows and what looked like a pair of worn pyjamas. Dean handed Castiel the comforter, an old looking thick quilt that look handmade, and the pillows before coughing slightly.

“These are mine…obviously you can’t sleep in your jeans and, well these are kind of tatty but they’re clean and…well I mean they’ll fit you and they’re clean so here.” Dean said handing over the cotton pyjamas which turned out to be a pair of soft sweatpants and a very old looking Smiths t-shirts.

“Thank you Dean.” Castiel said and he made sure that his voice didn’t sound remotely sarcastic for once.

“Its fine really…um, if you need anything then my room is the second one on the left.” Dean said nodding upstairs "It’s getting late…so…so I'll leave you to get some sleep." He then added giving Castiel a weak and cautious smile. “Night Cas” Castiel found he wasn't fully able to return the smile but it didn't seem to matter to Dean that much as he nodded his head at Castiel before he walked out of the room. Castiel looked at the pyjamas in his hands and was filled with something that was almost like gratitude. The material was soft from being washed so many times though when he brought the t-shirt to his face he noticed that it still smelt like Dean’s musky scent along with whatever brand of fabric softener the Winchesters used. As he changed into the clothes his mind drifted back to the situation at home.

The animosity between Luke and their father had started when Luke was around fourteen and had gone on ever since, though Castiel wasn't too sure as he'd always known that Luke and their father did not get along. Luke was brash, determined but incredibly in tune with his emotions. He had his moments of vanity and selfishness, his ways of getting what he wanted weren't always the most conventional ways and sometimes he acted without as much compassion as others, especially when it came to his family but Castiel couldn't Luke like Michael no doubt wanted him to. Castiel amused Luke, he had told Castiel that much several years prior. He amused Luke because of his general way of looking at the world but Castiel secretly thought that Luke's amusement came from the fact that Castiel wasn't, despite Michael's attempts, a clone of his eldest brother. Castiel lacked Michael's determination to stick to which ever rules set down by their father. Luke, and Gabriel on numerous occasions, commented that Michael was like a blind solider going off into battle when it came to their father, their father would give the orders and Michael would follow them until the end no matter what really. It hasn't always been like this but when Castiel's mother had walked out on them things had changed.  

Castiel tried not to dwell on his mother too much because there was point in doing so. His mother had made the decision to walk out on them and move to Boston when Castiel was ten; there was nothing Castiel could do about that and he had since learnt to accept her abandonment even if it still stung. Being around the Winchesters, seeing how much Dean and Charlie and Sam loved Mary, made Castiel strangely nostalgic of the time his mother was at home and when things were a lot more simple. Michael and Luke’s animosity was barely palpable when their mother was around and their father seemed happier than he was now. It took several years for Castiel to understand why his mother left and her reasoning behind doing so but the resentment he felt being left at the tender age of ten still stung in his veins. Sometimes he would wonder if his life would have been different if his mother had chosen to stay but he knew deep down that it was stupid the wonder that, it was stupid and dangerous to long for something that could, and never would, have happened. 

**  
**


	2. Part Two

_By running from people, by pushing them away, aren’t you just hurting them and doing what you’re afraid will happen to you?_

_It happened. I loved her and she still ran, she still left, and I never want that to happen again. People can’t leave me if I leave them first._

Castiel awoke in the morning disorientated, thought that was nothing new at all as he always seemed to wake up out of sorts, and relatively confused as to why he was lying on a couch and not his own bed. The fact that it was a couch he’d never slept on before made him even more confused as to where the hell he was. A sense of apprehension settled in his stomach for a moment as he tried to remember where on earth he actually was, if he was at some random person’s house Anna would kill him. He rubbed his hands across sleep crusted eyes and his gaze fell on a photo of Mary Winchester with her arm around Charlie’s shoulder. _Oh_ he thought after a second as he remembered Gabriel’s text the night before and Dean’s offer to sleep on the couch. He had slept on the Winchester’s couch. Sleeping on the couch would explain why he currently had a painful crick in his neck. With a groan Castiel pulled himself off the couch and stretched, trying to ignore the cramp in his legs or the painful creak in his neck. 

He glanced down at his phone to see several messages but it was too early in the morning for Castiel to even think about dealing with the fallout from the night before. Instead he chose to go in search for caffeine which seemed like the safest, and most logical, thing to do. Living in the Novak household had taught him that when in doubt coffee could solve most problems that came his way; mainly hangovers though. Castiel heard a clattering coming from the kitchen and assumed it would be Mary though that came from the assumption that parents were the early risers on weekends though in his house no one got up early on weekends apart from Castiel; he only did so because he went for morning runs. It wasn’t until he walked into the kitchen, the radio quietly playing classic rock, that he realised it was not Mary in the kitchen but Dean, whistling quietly to himself.

"Mornin' Cas" Dean mumbled sleepily as Castiel padded into the kitchen. It took a moment to realise that Dean was only in a pair of flannel pyjamas bottoms. Castiel quickly averted his eyes so Dean couldn’t accuse him of looking in the slightest even though for a split second that he saw Castiel could tell that Dean Winchester shirtless was not a bad sight at all. That was not a helpful thought for Castiel to be having either.  

"Um…good morning Dean…um, is there coffee?" Castiel asked glancing around the Winchester’s kitchen. If it were possible there were even more cookery books in the kitchen since the last time Castiel had been in there. It seemed that Mary Winchester was a fan of cooking foods from nearly every region of the world. 

"Yeah there is, I just put the pot on. Hope you like it strong though, my mom only gets Italian Roast strong enough to make the heaviest trucker jittery." Dean said nodding over to the coffee maker on the kitchen counter top. He opened the nearest cupboard to him and handed Castiel a large mug very much like the mugs they had in Castiel's own house. "She doesn't buy small mugs either." Dean said shrugging his shoulders before going over to a basket of what looked like fresh washing. Castiel turned back to concentrate on pouring his coffee but clearly he didn't take long enough as when he turned back to Dean as the other boy was still shirtless though a tattered looking t-shirt was in his hands.

As Dean pulled the shirt over his head Castiel noticed the blur of black ink and it didn't surprise him at all that Dean Winchester would be tattooed, he certainly seemed the type after all with his cigarette habit and his fondness of leather jackets and classic rock. The tattoo was placed midway down his ribs, black writing scrawled along the skin by the looks of it. The fact that it wasn’t something clichéd spiked Castiel’s interest.

"What does it say?" Castiel asked before he could stop himself.

"Huh?" Dean asked looking over towards Castiel.

"Oh sorry, um…it’s just that I noticed your tattoo and I was wondering…what does it say?" Castiel mumbled diverting his eyes once again so that Dean wouldn’t accuse him to staring or anything like that.

"Oh...look" Dean said walking closer to Castiel and moving his shirt up until his ribs were on display. The words _'So it goes'_ were delicately inked across the skin. "It's...it's a Vonnegut quote...he's one of my favourite authors you see. Sam took the piss out of me for weeks after I got it but I'd wanted something like it for a while." Dean said. "At first I thought my mom would be pissed but then again she can't complain seeing as she has a tattoo as well."

"You’ve read Vonnegut?" Castiel asked as it seemed like the last thing he would have thought Dean Winchester would be into. 

"Hell yeah. I’ve read _Slaughterhouse Five_ at least twenty times, it’s better than _Cat’s Cradle_ but they’re book great books. Sam reads tons but it’s mainly textbooks and shit like that. Charlie and I are more into our fiction. I was the one who got her into reading all those _A Song of Ice and Fire_ books, Sam started reading the first one but when he got to the bit with the direwolf he wouldn’t read it for six months. Now whose turn is it to be surprised huh?" Dean asked smiling slyly. "The literary loving loser and the marathon winning artist changing people’s perspectives." He said quietly nodding his head at Castiel.

"I am no artist and you are no loser." Castiel said hating how his stomach clenched when Dean continued to smile at him. He wasn’t supposed to be friends with Dean let alone have his stomach jolt at a mere smile.

"Yeah well give it time." Dean said still smiling despite his words implying that he wasn’t a good person. "Do you want some breakfast? We've got bacon, bacon, sausage and bacon...wait you're not a vegetarian are you 'cause I think we've got some tofu sausages somewhere that both Charlie and Sam love but I don’t even pretend to think of those things as food."

"I'm not a vegetarian." Castiel said earning another smile from Dean while he poured coffee into Castiel’s mug. 

"Good otherwise I would seriously have to reconsider our friendship. There’s nothing remotely good about tofu sausages. Even if you attempt to deep fry the fuck out of them." Dean said and it was too early for Castiel to correct Dean by telling him that they weren’t really friends. “Did you sleep ok? The couch isn’t the comfiest but Charlie’s fallen asleep on it enough times after Doctor Who marathons and she’s still got full use of her neck and back so it’s not too bad.”

“Yeah you said something like that last night. Um, it was ok I guess. I didn’t get much sleep to be honest.” Castiel said as he watched Dean set about making breakfast.

“Family stuff getting you down?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” Castiel said. If it were anyone else Castiel would have told them to mind their own fucking business but the way Dean looked at him, like he understood exactly what Castiel was going through, made Castiel bolder in telling him about family issues.

“I get it man, more than you know.” Dean said with an empathetic smile.

“It’s always been like this but I guess as I’ve gotten older I’ve become more aware of how fucked up our family actually is. It’s pretty shit to be honest….would you mind if we didn’t talk about it right about now though?” Castiel asked. There could possibly be a time in the future when he’d talk to Dean about his family, about his mother walking out and all the difficulties he’d had with his brothers over the years but now probably wasn’t the time at all.

“No, of course not. Talk about it whenever you want dude.” Dean replied shaking his head. “You’ll sort it out though, don’t worry. The amount of times me and Sammy have gotten into fights, man…oh and don’t even get me started on Charlie. She might look like some nerd who couldn’t beat a butterfly in a wrestling match but she’s got a mean as hell left hook. She’s a damn good little scrapper when she wants to be. Remind me never to let her and Jo Harvelle become friends.” Dean said shooting Castiel a grin.  “Like I said, you’ll sort it out with your family.” He added. Castiel simply shrugged as he sipped on his coffee, sighing happily because damn was it good coffee. He heard Dean chuckle and glanced upwards. Dean just gave him a warm smile before he returned to making breakfast which was clearly a way of getting Charlie and Sam out of bed and the pair of them were soon coming into the kitchen and proving that neither of them were morning people.

“Hey. Did you stay here last night?” Charlie asked Castiel as she nearly threw herself at the coffee pot. And Castiel thought he was addicted to coffee. The look on Charlie’s face as she poured coffee into a large mug was that of complete bliss.

“Um…”

“Yeah, it was really late by the time we finished watching stuff so I just offered Castiel the couch to sleep on.” Dean said casually.

“Oh please!” Charlie said snorting loudly. “You just couldn’t be bothered to get off your lazy fat ass to drive him home, admit it.”

“You caught me there Velma.” Dean said. Castiel shot him an appreciative smile. He and Charlie might have been becoming something very much like friends but he really wasn’t ready to open the whole ‘My family is a bunch of dicks’ version of Pandora’s box with her yet…if ever. “Is Mom awake yet?” Dean asked Charlie and Sam.

“Yeah, she said good morning to me when she was coming out the bathroom.” Sam said.

“Ok, I’m just going to take some breakfast up for her.” Dean said filling a plate full of breakfast food and placing it on a tray along with a glass of orange juice and a mug of coffee. Once he’d gone out the room Charlie sniggered.

“He does this every Saturday morning.” Charlie said to Castiel.

“What make breakfast?” Castiel asked. At home everyone was left to their own devices when it came to breakfast and on Saturdays everyone was more like passing ships in the night. Castiel could count on one hand the amount of times he’d sat down for breakfast with anyone apart from Anna and Jo within the past year.

“No…well _yes_ but every Saturday he makes Mom her breakfast even if none of us want breakfast or sleep in.” Charlie said between sips of coffee.

“He has done ever since we were kids.” Sam added from his seat at the table where he was attacking a huge bowl full of cereal. “You should see him on Mother’s Day; he goes all out and spends at least an hour in the kitchen perfecting his chocolate chip pancakes. It’s awesome though as we get all the ones deemed not up to Dean Winchester’s standards, which are basically the ones not perfectly circular with the correct chocolate chip to batter ratio.”

“He’s such a damn mama’s boy.” Charlie added before she poured herself a bowl of cereal. Sam started to tell an anecdote about Mary’s birthday two years prior when Castiel’s phone started to ring. He looked down and saw Gabriel’s name up on the screen. Castiel excused himself and went back into the den to answer the call.

“Gabe? What’s going on?” Castiel asked as soon as he answered the phone. Gabriel sighed deeply for a moment.

“Oh man the shit really hit the fan.” Gabriel said sounding exhausted. “Luke was full on screaming at Dad, he was going on about how Dad’s never believed in him or cared about him and how Dad’s probably wished he was a clone of Michael. They were yelling at each other for hours and of course once Michael got involved it just made matters worse.” Castiel could imagine that. He’d been present for enough fights to know that Michael’s opinion on any matter was not one Luke ever wanted to hear. “Then Dad announced that he was leaving for New York and Luke just blew up. He properly called Dad out on the fact that he’s never here and it just got even worse from there.” Gabriel explained. From the way he was raising his voice it sounded like he was in a busy terminal.

“Fuck…” Castiel muttered rubbing the bridge of his nose as he felt a tension headache begin to form.

“Yeah, I just couldn’t stay there knowing that Michael and Luke would no doubt try to kill one another so I went with Dad on the Red Eye to New York. We landed about an hour or so ago, we’re at JFK getting breakfast cause there was no food on the flight. I’m going to stay with Kali in her apartment until Dad’s work here has finished. Did you stay with Anna last night?”

“Umm no…I stayed at Charlie’s house. I’ll ring Anna though and probably stay with her until Monday.” Castiel said. “What’s Dad like?” he then asked cautiously.

“What do you mean?” Gabriel asked.

“What kind of mood is he in?”

“Oh…he’s pretty pissed about what Luke said…” Gabriel said. The way that he said made it clear that he was thinking about whether or not he should actually carry on talking. Castiel braced himself but that was probably the best thing to do. “Luke kind of mentioned you…” Gabriel added and Castiel just knew he was wincing waiting for Castiel to shout.

“ _Me_? Why would he do that?” Castiel asked his voice tinged with anger. He couldn’t raise his voice like he wanted to because then Charlie and Sam would hear him and that was the last thing he wanted. “What _exactly_ did he say Gabriel?”

“He said that if Dad were here more often then maybe he would notice more stuff about you. He pretty much called Dad out about the fact that he wasn’t there six months ago when he should have been. He said that if Dad had been around more he would have seen the signs and maybe he could have stopped you.” Gabriel said slowly as if trying to gage how Castiel would react to this. Castiel stilled and had to breathe in deeply for several seconds. His Dad hadn’t been there that day and it hadn’t gone unnoticed by any of the Novak siblings though like always Michael had made it clear that their father’s work was very important.

The one thing he regretted about that day was that it had been Gabriel that found him. Gabriel had been the one to open the door and be hit with the cloying metallic smell of Castiel’s blood.

 _“-are you in here?” the door opened as Castiel’s eyelids grew heavy and the searing pain in his wrists grew unbearable. “Castiel? Fuck! Castiel? Castiel! Dad? Michael?” Hands gripped onto Castiel as if his life depended on the pressure of the fingers against his cool skin. “Someone call an ambulance! Castiel come on, don’t do this! Luke! Michael! Someone call a_ fucking _ambulance!” Gabriel yelled as he gently shook Castiel’s shoulder with his free hand. “Come on Castiel, don’t do this to me. Please don’t do this.”_

“Castiel…are you still there?” Gabriel said pulling Castiel out of his memory. He shook his head, desperate for the memories to disappear.

“Luke…Luke shouldn’t have brought that up. That’s my business _not_ his.” Castiel said, his temper barely staying under the surface. He could feel his chest becoming tight and his skin began to crawl. He needed to get out the Winchester’s house and go for a run before he ended up screaming.

“He was pissed off Castiel; he just wanted to hurt Dad-”

“But using me as a weapon wasn’t right at all! I’m not just some object that can be thrown at Dad whenever Michael or Luke feels like it! I’m a goddamn person!” Castiel snapped loudly before cursing himself inwardly because no doubt Charlie and Sam had heard him from the kitchen.

“Dude I _know_ , I’m not saying that what Luke said was remotely ok! All I’m saying is that Luke thought of one of the things that would hurt Dad the most.” Gabriel said clearly trying to calm Castiel down. “It worked anyways Castiel, dad looked totally wreaked when Luke brought it up.”

“Yeah well next time any of you get into a fight remember not to include me or any of my business.” Castiel snapped. He heard footsteps behind him and whirled round to see Dean standing in the doorway looking worried. If his chest had tight before it was nothing compared to how it felt now seeing Dean standing in the doorway. “Gabe I’ve got to go. Say ‘hello’ to Kali for me and I’ll talk to you soon…tell Dad…tell Dad that Luke wasn’t right about what he said.” Castiel said quickly.

“Oh ok…love you baby bro.” Gabriel said still sounding weary.

“Yeah…you too Gabe.” Castiel said as he hurriedly hung up the phone. “How much of that did you hear?” he asked Dean cagily.

“I didn’t hear any of it, I just heard you shouting and that’s all.” Dean said. “That was your brother right?” he then asked.

“Yeah that was Gabriel; he was just ringing about last night.” Castiel said. Dean gave him a sympathetic look which Castiel wanted to hate because the last thing he needed was Dean Winchester’s sympathy but instead he found himself oddly drawn to it. It was strangely comforting. 

"Do you want to get out of here and go somewhere? It might clear your head or something." Dean asked. Castiel wanted to grab his running stuff and take off through the woods but that would mean going home, that would mean leaving Dean. After a moment Castiel nodded his head.

“Yeah…let me get dressed…” Castiel said picking up his clothing from the night before.

“Yeah sure, the bathroom is upstairs.” Dean said nodding towards the hallway.

“Um…thanks Dean.” Castiel said and he was sure that both of them knew he was saying thank you for a lot more. He hurried upstairs, stopping in the upstairs hallway. In the short amount of time the Winchesters had been living in the house Mary had seen to it that the place be filled with photographs and pieces of art. They littered the upstairs hallway and the endless photos of a young Dean with Sam and Charlie made Castiel smile wistfully. It reminded him of his room at home which he’d filled with his own artwork and photos of him with Anna, Jo or Gabriel. Not wanting to keep Dean waiting Castiel went into the bathroom to change, squeezing toothpaste onto to his finger and it quickly rubbing it over his teeth so he would not have morning breath. Five minutes later, when he was walking back downstairs, Dean was waiting for him with a smile.

 Dean motioned for him to follow him as he pulled his car keys off the nearby peg. "Know any good places around here?" Dean then asked as they reached the Impala. “I’ve not been here long enough to really scope the place out.” 

"Yeah, I do as long as you like coffee." Castiel said giving Dean the directions towards the Roadhouse. As Dean started up the car the stereo came into life filling the car with ACDC. Dean made to turn it down but Castiel shook his head. "Leave it, it's fine." 

"You sure?" Dean asked. Castiel nodded. "You're a better passenger than Sam or Charlie. They complain bitterly whenever I play Asia or about the fact that I still have a tape deck." Dean added. 

"You can't appreciate music until it’s off a crackling and jumpy tape." Castiel said sardonically. 

"Yeah thanks for that. Sam installed one of those damn iPod jacks last summer to try and sway me but it ain't happening." Dean explained. 

"Oh fuck, you're one of those nostalgic assholes who romanticises the past aren't you?" Castiel asked looking over at Dean with aversion.  

"No, I'm just a guy who appreciates damn good music and how it should be played." Dean said grinning over at Castiel who just rolled his eyes as he looked through Dean’s cassette collection. “Dude, where exactly am I driving to?” Dean asked. Castiel just smirked and enjoyed the look of confusion on Dean’s face as they drove along the street.

 

\---

Jo looked up as they entered the coffee house and gave Castiel a bright smile before noticing Dean. Her eyebrows shot up in surprise but she didn’t say anything as the pair walked towards the counter. She finished serving two customers waiting for their order then pointed in Castiel’s direction.

“Hey, Anna’s been looking for you. Apparently you never text her back last night and she thought you might have been here this morning. Apparently she sent you a text this morning as well but you never replied.” Jo said giving Castiel a pointed look. “According to her, Naomi said something to her but she was too busy gulping down about six cups of coffee to give me the full story.”

“Yeah of course she was in here looking for me.” Castiel said derisively.   

“Dude she really was. Inias doesn’t start work until two.” Jo said with a smirk. “So the usual?” she then asked cocking an eyebrow.  

“Yeah go on then. Dean?” Castiel asked.

“What?” Dean asked looking from the huge board displaying the endless types of coffee the Roadhouse served as well as the various ways you could clog your arteries with a Roadhouse burger.

“Coffee?” Jo asked as if she were talking to a two year old.

“Oh yeah! Just black coffee for me.” Dean said. Jo smirked as she took their order.

“So two of Castiel’s usual then.” She said. “Go and sit down, I’ll bring them to you.”

“Trying out some new hospitality techniques?” Castiel asked as Jo usually told them to stand and wait for their damn drinks because she wasn’t a damn waitress.

“Oh fuck off Novak.” Jo said but she said it with a smile. “Remind me why we’re friends again?”

“We’re not, I just mooch coffee off you and you put up with me for Anna’s sake.” Castiel shot back.

“That sounds about right. Sit your asses down then before I make you stand and wait.” Jo said motioning for Castiel and Dean to sit down. They grabbed one of the booths and sit down quickly.

“So you come here often I’m guessing?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, Anna and I are here most days. Anna and Jo are good friends and Anna has been in love with the guy who works here for months though she won’t do anything about it.” Castiel explained. “This place used to be this pretty cool diner type bar place until a few years back then Ellen turned it into a coffeehouse that sells the best burgers in Minnesota. This place is kind of mine and Anna’s favourite place if I’m being honest.”

“Have you and Anna been friends for long?” Dean asked and he actually looked interested in finding out the answer. Castiel was surprised that he didn’t actually mind Dean’s questions either.

“Yeah, we’ve been friends since we were five years old. That’s when she moved here with her family.” Castiel explained. Normally he wasn’t one for conversations with people but with Dean it felt easy. Dean’s reassuring way of speaking and his smiles made Castiel want to tell him things. It was sort of a pain the ass because it stopped Castiel from being the closed off person he wanted to be. “We’ve been best friends ever since…I don’t actually know what I’d do without her.”

“Sounds like me with Charlie and Sammy.

"Charlie said something last night about how she was amazed that you didn't mention she was adopted." Castiel said.

"Huh? Oh...yeah I sort of joke with her about it sometimes but it's nothing deliberately harsh." Dean said. "She tell you about why she was adopted?"

"She just mentioned about how your mother found out she couldn't have any more children after Sam was born."

"Yeah, she got real sick when she was pregnant with Sam and a few months later when he was born they told her she probably wouldn't be able to have any more kids." Dean explained. "She was an only child growing up, same with my dad, and she always wanted a house full of kids so she and my dad looked into adoption. Honestly everyone forgets that Charlie is adopted, she's a Winchester through and through."

“She’s lucky…I mean you’re all lucky that you’re close to your siblings.” Castiel said before he could stop himself. “I mean I’m close to Gabriel but not as much as I could be. He’s funny but can be a real asshole when he wants to be. Michael and Luke…will the less said about them the better.” Castiel added with bitter muttering.

"Your brother and your dad will sort their shit out, don't worry." Dean said. Castiel shrugged. "Do they do this a lot?"

"Argue or walk out?"

"Both I guess."

"My dad works a lot, he spends a lot time working away with clients and stuff like that so it's nothing new for him to rarely be at home. Luke and Michael...well they are always fighting and Luke just loves picking arguments with our father. It's really nothing new, Gabriel and I just try to keep out of it."

"A lot of time spent in your room?" Dean guessed.

"That or I'm at Anna's house or here." Castiel said looking around the Roadhouse. 

Dean gave him a weak smile and looked like he was about to say something but that was when Jo chose to place their coffee onto the table along with two muffins. Castiel raised his eyebrow at her and Jo’s reply was a shake of her head and an eye roll.

“If Anna is looking for you then either you fucked up or another Novak fucked up so therefore you get muffins. Don’t look a free gift muffin in the mouth.” Jo said giving Castiel a patronising pat on the head.

“You’re not using muffins the same way that Inias uses coffee syrup are you?” Castiel asked furrowing his brow. Jo pulled herself up to her full height, which still wasn’t that tall, and folded her arms across her chest. It was actually terrifying how much she looked like Ellen when she glared.

“No Novak I am not, because in no way do I want to get into your pants, I know _far_ too many people who have been in them.” Jo said . “Now enjoy your damn muffins and if my mom asks then my hospitality was fucking awesome.” Jo added before stalking back towards the counter. Dean raised his eyebrow before picking up his muffin, which was chocolate chip by the look of it.

“That’s actually her in a good mood so if Ellen asks I’m going to say Jo’s hospitality was through the damn roof.” Castiel said. 

“So…Inias?” Dean asked.

“Inias?” Castiel asked until he saw Dean’s pointed look. “Oh Inias…yeah. He’s this guy who works here; he’s studying at The Art Institute, and has been in love with Anna ever since he started working here. He tries to show his affection by drowning her in free syrup for her coffee. Hopefully someday one of them will work up to courage to actually do something about it...you know, that doesn’t revolve around coffee syrup.” Castiel asked before taking a long sip of his coffee. He caught a relived look from Dean and even though he wasn’t completely sure what that meant it made his stomach flutter.

 

\---

Over the course of the next several weeks Castiel found himself slipping into an easy routine of which he never attended to slip into. He tried so hard to deny himself of it out in the end it crept up on him. Routines used to be something he shied away from because they reminded him too much of being in hospital and the few faltering weeks after when he’d come home. It reminded him off being woken up every single morning by Gabriel, he had refused point blank when it came to having Michael or Luke wake him up, and being given the medication he’d been on back then.

This routine however was different…it was almost happy even if that was unnerving. Happy things didn’t happen to Castiel. Happiness wasn’t something he felt that he deserved.   

He would wake up after a few hours’ sleep, take his morning dose of medication, meet up with Anna, always with coffee from The Roadhouse, and they would drive to school just like always. That part of his routine would not change but it was once he got to school when things would start to change. Once there he’d socialise slightly with Charlie who he didn’t actually mind the company of unlike most people he knew.

Charlie was bright and funny, she always had something interesting to say and she got on with both Anna and Jo with ease which had initially surprised Castiel. Anna had her moments of seriousness, that was probably why she and Castiel could be such good friends, and that had worried Castiel because Charlie wasn’t the most serious of people unless you said something awful about Star Trek or Wonder Woman. Jo was so different from Charlie that it was amazing the pair could even have a conversation but apparently living with Dean had given Charlie enough knowledge about Led Zeppelin for her to have Robert Plant related conversations with Jo easily. Apparently they both had the same views on RAO Speedwagon much to Dean’s obvious distaste.

At lunch time they would eat in the art rooms as it was always less crowded than the cafeteria and didn’t smell like week old pizza; Dean would sometimes join them and seemed to form a friendship with Jo that was mainly based around friendly insults and eye rolling. After the night he’d spent sleeping on the Winchester’s couch Castiel started to see them as people he could possibly get close to if he ever allowed that to happen. Maybe that was part of the problem.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays he would attend his track meetings like clockwork. Occasionally he would see Charlie or Dean sitting in the stands with Anna drinking from steaming paper cups and during the evenings he’d started running again. He’d stopped during the harsh North Minnesota winter as the snowfall was too great but now that they were slowly entering Spring it was warmer and there was less chance of having Gabriel sneak up behind him and shove snow down Castiel’s hood. Occasionally Anna would join Castiel on his runs so she could time him though more often than not she would end up trying to engage him in a conversation either about Dean, Inais or who Jo had punched that day. Castiel avoided talking about Dean because it seemed like the easier thing to do but Anna was persistent and pointed out that the fact that Castiel would rather hear her talk about Inias than have her ask him questions about Dean said an awful lot.

The last thing Castiel wanted was to talk to Anna about Dean because then that would he would have to define whatever was going on between Dean and him.

Once he’d discovered that caffeine was pretty much Castiel’s life forced Dean had taken to sneaking off campus at lunch to go to The Roadhouse to pick up coffee for him and Castiel to drink in art. Dean must have asked Inias about how Castiel took his coffee because then damn sugar to cinnamon ratio was actually perfect. It was that small gesture that first started to show Castiel how the Winchesters, especially Dean, saw him as a friend. The thought really was fucking terrifying.

Castiel had never been good with opening up to people. When he was eleven his first therapist, the one his father made him go and see because of his mother leaving, had suggested it was because he suffered from abandonment issues. Castiel had suggested that said therapist go back to whatever school he’d gone to because it was painfully clear that he would have some issues with being abandoned due to his mother having just left. It was after that when Castiel tried to point out that he really didn’t need to go to therapy. His father had agreed back then much to Castiel’s, and the therapist’s to some extent, relief.

It wasn’t that he had abandonment issues per say, Castiel just didn’t like getting close to people for fear of them finding out that he was a pretty shitty person who would no doubt end up letting them down and fucking things up beyond measure. That didn’t mean he had abandonment issues, certainly not anymore at least, it just meant that he really didn’t get on well with most people and didn’t really like them getting close to him. Charlie, Sam and especially Dean did not seem to care about this. Castiel was convinced that it was the damn coffee in art class that sent him over the edge in the end.

After Dean’s gestures with the coffee Castiel could feel himself slipping back into his old routine of ignoring people for several days. At first it was clear that this confused Dean beyond anything else about Castiel and during several art lessons Dean had tried to ask Castiel what was wrong but Castiel had replied with a shrug, a shake of his head or simple ‘Nothing, I’m fine.’ until Dean stopped asking.

Charlie apparently had been pestering Anna about it; Anna told Castiel as much one afternoon when they were sat in the Roadhouse drinking coffee. Charlie was going to be meeting them after her computer club meeting and Castiel assumed Anna wanted to mention this before Charlie arrived. “She’s worried about you; we’re all worried about you.” Anna had said with her brow furrowed. Castiel had told her the same lines he’d given Dean, the ‘Nothing is wrong’ and ‘I’m fine’ lines, until Anna stopped asking him what was wrong but even then she looked worried. Castiel knew deep down that it wasn’t right to treat them like this; they were after all his friends even if he felt that friends made everything more complicated but he couldn’t stop himself from doing so.

“This is about Dean isn’t it?” Anna asked before breaking off a piece of her muffin and nibbling on gently. Castiel nearly choked on his coffee, tears streaming up his eyes as the hot liquid burnt at his throat. “Charlie, Jo and I all think it is.”

“It’s…it’s not about Dean.” He choked out. “And can you three stop talking about me?” he added shooting Jo, who was ‘busy’ having a coffee stirrer sword fight with Inais behind the counter.

“Well you’ve been acting strange for weeks and that was when Dean started turning up.” Anna said defensively as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Castiel refrained from groaning loudly because Anna really wouldn’t have appreciated it in the slightest. “To be honest you’ve been weird since Gabriel and your Dad went to New York.” Anna added as an afterthought.

“You’d be weird if your dad just upped and left for several weeks.” Castiel said bitterly. His Dad had rung a few times since going to New York but Castiel was never the one to answer the phone. Gabriel on the other hand rang Castiel most days with stories of being in New York with Kali or just making sure that Castiel was ok which, even though he wouldn’t admit it, Castiel really appreciated.

“I know but your Dad leaves all the time, I known you for too long to ignore when something is going on. What’s the matter?” Anna asked. “Is it Dean? Charlie told me that Dean’s been moping about the house ever since you started ignoring us all again. Something’s going between you two right?”

Castiel sighed heavily at Anna’s question for what felt like the millionth time. “Fuck sake Anna, no matter what I say you’re going to twist it to make it Dean’s fault at the end of the day, aren’t you?” he asked resignedly as he looked down at the coffee mug in his hands. 

“No I’m not…well not much anyway.” Anna said with a nonchalant shrug as she sipped her coffee.

“And here was me thinking that you were a fan of Dean's" Castiel muttered with a roll of his eyes.

"I was…I _am,_ but if he's the reason you're acting like this then I'm not." Anna shot back. "I mean he is the reason isn't he? You were ok up until you started hanging out with Dean and Charlie."

"How do you know Charlie isn't the problem?" Castiel asked trying to defuse Anna's rant before it started. 

"Because I know you more than anyone else, more than you know yourself probably because you’re too pig headed for your own damn good.” Anna shot back. “Charlie isn't your type but Dean is and I _know_ he is."

"I don't like Dean in that way at all Anna." Castiel quickly shot back looking up from his coffee mug to give Anna a determined and steely look. She just looked back coolly and shrugged her shoulders yet again.

"Fine maybe you don't but he's still part of the problem; you've been acting distant for weeks, just like we're acting before last time." Anna pressed because that’s just who Anna was really. She was a determined person who wouldn’t let things go if she was passionate about them.

"Anna please…it…it was different last time." Castiel said trying to defuse the rant he knew was coming his way.

"You promise me? You _promise_ me that you're not pushing everyone away like last time?" Anna questioned narrowing her eyes in annoyance. Castiel started to defend himself until the main door opened and Charlie came flying into the shop.

“Sorry I’m late; the meeting ran over because Kevin started up this stupidly pointless discussion about coding and it ended up causing World War Three: Ultimate Nerd Edition. I honestly thought that a freshman kid was going to cry at one point. I’m just glad to be out there.” Charlie said as she chucked her bag onto the floor and all but threw herself down onto the seat next to Anna. “Whoa…what’s going on?” she asked looking between Anna and Castiel.

“I _might_ have mentioned to Castiel what we were talking about the other day.” Anna said going down at her coffee mug like it held a portal through which she could escape.

“The thing about Wonder Woman or the other thing?” Charlie asked.

“The other thing.”

“ _Oh_ …” Charlie said as Castiel turned to glare at her. Most people would have shrunk away from Castiel’s glare but not Charlie. She lifted her chin defiantly to look Castiel straight in the eyes and he had to admire her for that. “You might be pissed off but Anna, Jo and I do have some points. You’re ignoring most of us and it’s just not fair. We’re your friends Castiel, not just random people you can treat like crap. There’s something going on but I just don’t know what.”

“You’re pushing us all away and it’s obvious.” Anna interjected.

“I’m…” Castiel said before faltering because he knew he’d been pushing everyone away because that’s what he knew what to do, that was what he was good at. It didn’t stop him from knowing full well how much it hurt the people around him as well as himself. “I’m not…it’s has nothing…it’s not about…”

"See? You can't even say it." Anna said shaking her head.

"Anna please just leave it." Castiel begged because he didn’t want to get into a conversation with anyone about what was going on between him and Dean. If he was honest he didn’t know himself, all he knew was that when he was around Dean things felt different, they almost felt easy but that was such a dangerous way of thinking because Dean wouldn’t always be around and once he was gone Castiel would go back to struggling through everything because that was what always happened. Castiel would find a small thing, a good thing, in his life that he could find happiness in then it would be wrenched out of his grasp without him even realising it. He didn’t want that to happen with Dean so it was just easier not having Dean at all, at least then he couldn’t miss what he never had. 

“Cas…” Charlie said warily. Castiel stilled because so far Dean was the only one to call him ‘Cas’. “We’re not just saying all this because we think there’s something between you and Dean we’re saying because we’re your friends. You let me in and introduced me to everyone; I don’t want to lose you.” Charlie said pleadingly. The look of hurt in Charlie’s eyes sent shivers down Castiel’s spine. He didn’t want to hurt her, he really didn’t.

“I’m sorry Charlie…I really am.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about, just make sure that you talk to us before you get upset the next time.” Charlie said giving Castiel a shy smile. “Now, who do I have to flirt with to get a coffee in this place?” she asked shooting a broader smile in Jo’s direction.  

 

\---

On the night of Meg Master’s party Castiel found himself sat in Anna’s car as she drove towards Meg’s house. Meg lived on the outskirts of town in a house that overlooked the large lake. It was the perfect party house really and that was why Meg always threw some of the more legendary parties, the kind of parties that people would talk about for weeks if not months afterwards.

"Can you promise me that I won’t lose you after five minutes last time? Well…like every time?” Anna asked as they drew up towards the house. Most of the cars were parked up on the grassy embankment outside Meg’s house. In their junior year Jo had kicked a drunken senior in the balls on that embankment. Anna parked up next to the car that belonged to Bela Talbot, a sophomore who was on the running team with Castiel, and shot Castiel a pleading look.

“No but I’ll try.” Castiel said shrugging his shoulders. Anna muttered something under her breath and, with a shake of her head, climbed out the car. “Come on, you know you love me really Milton.”

“That’s debatable Castiel, that’s very debatable.” Anna said while the made their way up to the house and pushed open the door.

The hallway was busy with people standing around and talking to one another, drinks or phones in hand. The den, just like the hallway, was packed with people and swamped in a haze of smoke as Castiel and Anna made their way through. Anna wrinkled her nose at the smell but didn't say anything though she did shoot Castiel a look of annoyance when he pulled his crumpled packet of cigarettes out his pocket. She, like Gabriel, had been trying to get him to quit for several months but she hadn’t pushed him too hard on the matter as she knew that would get make him more stubborn.

"I'm going to get a drink from the kitchen and find Jo; do you want me to get you anything?" Anna asked. Castiel shook his head as he spotted Meg and gave her a curt nod in reply to Meg's smirking smile. "I'll see you in a bit then. Don’t get lost, text me if you go anywhere so I can find. I always get lost in this damn house." Anna said with a slight huff as she walked off towards to the kitchen. As Anna walked off Meg waved Castiel over to where she was sat, sprawled out on the worn but incredibly comfortable couch. 

"Well hey there Clarence!" Meg drawled giving Castiel a quick wink as she pulled him down onto the couch next to her. She languidly draped her legs, encased in dark jeans, across Castiel’s and gave him a blithe smile. Without saying another word she pulled a hip flask out of her back pocket and handed it to Castiel, her long fingernails, painted black just like her visible toenails, scraping against Castiel’s skin. "There’s no point wasting the good stuff on the riff raff in the kitchen." She said. Meg always kept the strongest drinks back from most people; she preferred knowing that her best alcohol wasn't being 'wasted' on just anyone. Castiel gave her a quick and rare smile as he brought the flask up to his lips. The sharp taste of expensive whiskey burnt the back of his throat but he really didn't care. He also didn't care how much his doctor would yell at him for mixing alcohol with his medication. He just wanted to feel something tonight instead of the empty void he felt most days. “So how’s my favourite little trouble maker huh?” Meg asked leaning towards Castiel to place a hand on his arm.

“Little? Really Meg?” Castiel asked with a smirk seeing as he was several inches taller than Meg even when she wore the towering heels she tended to wear, which were now kicked off at the side of the couch.

“What can I say? You know I’m an affectionate drunk.” Meg chuckled giving Castiel a quick wink. There had been semi-flirtation between Castiel and Meg since the year before that was mainly sarcastic insults but said with a smile. The one time they had slept together though had been purely down to Castiel being drunker than he had ever been in his life. Both of them had admitted it had been a mistake and, luckily, it hadn’t dampened their friendship. “Speaking of affectionate drunks, and you being my favourite drunk of all, who exactly are you planning on seducing tonight? Because if I remember rightly the last person was a very straight good little Christian boy whose sister still wants to kill you for sleeping with her bother.” Meg added with a wicked grin.

“I’m being good tonight, no seducing of poor little Christian heterosexuals.” Castiel said. Meg rolled her eyes and huffed loudly.

“But where is the fun in that?” She asked with a huff. “Please tell that stick in the mud Anna didn’t put you up to your new found virtue.” Meg added wrinkling her nose. “If I hear you not doing anything remotely deviant then I shall be very upset Clarence my dear. You’re my favourite TV show after all.” Meg then said as she pulled her legs off Castiel’s and standing up, patting Castiel on the head as she did so. “I need to be a fabulous hostess and talk to people even if they aren’t as fun and fascinating as you. Guard my flask with your life Clarence or I shall make up a spectacularly false rumour criticising your manhood.” Castiel shook his head as he watched Meg saunter off but he kept hold of her flask because she probably would start a ‘spectacularly false rumour’ just for the hell of it.

Normally the smell of smoke and the loud music blaring from the speakers would calm Castiel, it would make him feel something at the very least, but tonight that just wasn’t happening. It almost felt like the room was too small and far too crowded for him. He could feel a slow itch crawling up his arms as he scanned the room. His lungs were searching for cleaner and colder air and so Castiel made sure he had Meg’s flask clutched in his hand while made his way towards the door for the outside.

 

\---

Meg’s hipflask was heavy in his hand even though it was pretty much empty now. With a sigh Castiel placed it down near his feet on the stone step then looked out across the sprawling lawn that was sporadically bathed in light from the house. The loud music from inside could still be heard clearly even outside with the light wind and for once Castiel was glad of the colder weather as he was more drunk than he had intended to become tonight and he needed to sober up soon seeing as his father and Gabriel were due back from New York the next day. Gabriel wouldn’t care in the slightest if Castiel was home with the hangover but no doubt their father, as well as Michael, would have a lot to say on the fact.

Castiel realised that if he couldn’t drink anymore then he could at least smoke, there was no one around such as Anna to gripe at him for the habit for once and even if Michael smelt the smoke of his clothing he could pass it off as someone else smoking, like Meg, and not Castiel. He swiftly lit a cigarette and watched the flicking flame of his lighter for a moment, watched the way the smoke from the cigarette curled upwards before being carried off by the light wind. Part of him wished that he had brought his sketch pad because the image of the curling smoke was almost begging to be drawn across a crisp white page but lugging a sketch pad with him to a house party would have convinced more people that he was weirder than they probably already thought he was. Thankfully being semi-friends, in the biblical sense though that being firmly in the past, with Meg meant that Castiel wasn’t bothered at her parties by Meg’s more thuggish friends such as Alistair and his ilk. There were some perks from being friends with Meg and they weren’t all just alcohol related.

Castiel lungs soon began to fill up with the familiar burning sensation that came from smoking and it was strangely relaxing because this was feeling he recognised and understood. It was familiar and felt like home, not the shitty place that he tried to escape most days but like the homey feeling he felt whenever he was truly happy; when he was running, when he was spending time with Anna and, most recently, when he was at the Winchester’s home though the latter was one thing he wasn’t refusing to really admit to himself because it would no doubt cause problems down the line which would hopefully not appear as long as Castiel continued to repress any emotion he felt whenever a Winchester was involved.

He really was getting in over his head.

 

\---

When Castiel heard a familiar roar and a verse from The Rolling Stones’ _Torn and Frayed_ he couldn’t help but let out an exasperated chuckle. It was as if all it took to make Dean Winchester appear was to think about him. Dean’s car, the damn sleek black Chevy Impala, came round the bending track that led up to Meg’s house and parked on the grassy embankment where Anna had parked her car earlier that evening. The music blasting out the Impala was almost as loud as the music coming from inside Meg’s house. The music cut off mid-way through the chorus, cutting off the vocals mid-sentence. Castiel watched with mild amusement as Dean climbed out the driver’s seat and stopped, looking slightly startled, when he saw Castiel sat on the front steps alone.

"Hey" Dean called walking towards Castiel. Castiel was surprised to see not only Charlie but also Sam walking along with Dean. Before Sam turned to go into the house Dean gripped onto his arm for a moment. "If anything happens then text me or call me and I'm taking you home. Remember if you drink anything strong than a freaking Diet Coke then I will kick your ass so hard you'll be flying all the way back to Kanas to live with Uncle Bobby for the remainder of your sorry little life." Dean said sternly. Sam rolled his eyes but gave a small nod of his head. 

"Ruby is in the upstairs den I think." Castiel said because he assumed that would be the only reason that Sam would be at Meg’s party. “Whatever you do don’t go through the downstairs den because you will get high just from the fumes.” He added. It seemed obvious that Dean would pitch a fit if he smelt pot on any one item of Sam’s clothing.

"Thanks Castiel, good to see you again." Sam said before hurrying into the house. 

"Remember if anything happens I'm taking you home!" Dean called after Sam while Charlie snorted loudly.

"I think he got the message there 'Dad'" Charlie said. “See you in there?” she then asked Castiel. He gave her a small nod. Charlie returned the movement and gave Castiel a slight smile before going into the house herself. Dean sighed loudly as he sat himself down next to Castiel. 

"Got a light? Mine bust yesterday I haven't gotten round to buying a new one." Dean said. Castiel handed Dean the green lighter he had recently used to light his own cigarette. "Thanks…you know I never knew you smoked." Dean added before pulling a packet of cigarettes out his jacket pocket. 

“Yeah well I’m a deep cavern of secrets.” Castiel muttered bitterly more to himself than Dean. It really wasn’t Dean’s fault that Castiel felt the way that he did but he found himself taking it out on Dean anyway. He watched as Dean’s eyebrows shot up and instead of saying anything else Castiel reached for Meg’s hip flask and swiftly emptied it of its content until it was bone dry. The strong liquor burnt the back of his throat but like always Castiel ignored that and focused on the light and empty feeling the alcohol gave him.

“Are these deep, dark secrets or silly pre-teen sized secrets like you used to steal gum from the convenience store?” Dean asked jokily trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh I have some cracking ones locked away baby.” Castiel slurred knowing full well that he sounded completely drunk out of his mind but he was past caring one tiny bit. He snuck a glance at Dean and that was probably not the moment intelligent thing to do as Dean was staring at him intently; his green eyes bore into Castiel making a heat rise up his neck until it threatened to reach his cheeks. The sanest thing was to stop looking at Dean Winchester’s damn eyes.

Castiel eyes travelled down Dean’s face, stopping for a moment to look at the freckles littering Dean’s cheeks, until his focus was drawn to the smoke filtering out from between Dean’s lips and the way those lips were slightly curved up in a relaxed smile despite Castiel’s bitter comment. Everything about Dean Winchester seemed calm and above everything else; he practically radiated nonchalance and maybe that was why Castiel was so reluctant to get closer to Dena despite the pull he felt deep inside his chest whenever he was around Dean. Dean was so self-effacing, the polar opposite from the complex emotions constantly running through Castiel, and it was so refreshing and yet terrifying at the same time because someone so humble couldn’t be around someone as tempestuous as Castiel without being hurt in far too many ways. That was just one of the endless problems with having the constant thoughts that Castiel owned. Those drowning thoughts of despondency; being close to a person was always a danger because you could easily make them drown alongside you and that was the last thing Castiel wanted for Dean. Dean didn’t deserve to drown at all.

As Dean looked at him with that easy smile a thought flashed across Castiel’s brain like a red hot poker. For a moment he wondered what exactly Dean would taste like if Castiel closed the space between them and kissed Dean on the lips. He would taste like smoke of course but in that moment Castiel wondered about the other mix of potential tastes until he realised what exactly it was that he was thinking about. It was stupid, worse than stupid actually and very wrong because Dean was…well Dean was _Dean_ ; he was someone who didn’t completely hate Castiel. He was someone who he could sit with in detention, someone who had offered his couch to Castiel when he needed it the most. Dean was something like a friend even if Castiel didn’t really agree in having friends other than Anna and that was mainly because she was more like a sister than anything else, she knew how Castiel worked whereas Dean had no clue. Dean had no idea that, thanks to Meg, Castiel was drunker now than he had been in weeks and part of the reason why he was sat outside on a cold stone step was because Castiel felt like he would end up screaming if he had to be around people like he did inside for a minute longer. Dean had no idea that Castiel constantly wanted to scream from the top of lungs just so he could feel something, feel _anything_.

“So…we haven’t really spoken much over the past few weeks…” Dean said sounding accusatory. He probably had a right because they hadn’t spoken much because Castiel had tried to keep their conversations brief and about light subjects. “Are things ok at home now…you know with your brother and all?” Dean asked and he had every right to seeing as though Castiel had spent two days at the Winchester’s before packing a bag and going to stay with Anna. It was probably the last question he wanted Dean to ask him because he found it difficult lying to Dean, he would have to tell Dean the truth and the only other option was to walk away and that was the last thing Castiel wanted to do right now. He actually wanted to be around another person and that person was Dean.

“Um…my Dad is still in New York, as is my brother Gabriel…they should be home soon though.” Castiel heard himself say. “My other brothers are just the same though…” he said before trailing off and staring out in front of him because the only other place to look was at Dean and that was just too befuddling.

“But things are ok…right?” Dean asked.  “Cas?” Dean asked when Castiel gave him no reply. He would have but his brain was fogging over and becoming more saturated in the sluggish feeling the mixture of alcohol, cigarettes and his medication gave him. “Cas, are you ok?” Dean asked and Castiel had to bite back a laugh because if he wanted to be completely honest with Dean then no, he was feeling anything but ok.

“Castiel.” He said quickly correcting Dean. “Castiel. Did you know that no one calls me Cas apart from you? Everyone has only ever called me Castiel…apart from _you_. I was named Castiel after the angel of Thursday. I was born on a Thursday you see and my mother was always highly interested in theology and the mysticism of angels despite never setting foot in a church in her life. She didn’t really believe in God but she loved the stories behind the Christian faith, angels especially.” Castiel heard himself begin to ramble. He was not a rambler, though he did have a smart mouth that tended to run away with itself at times, and he tended to hate people that never found the ability to shut themselves up and yet here he was sat on a stone step, cigarette in his hand and hipflask at his feet beginning to ramble to Dean Winchester. Dean Winchester with his worn leather jacket, smirking smile and talent when it came to art.

“My mother believed in naming all her children after angels because then we would be protected by our divine names and blessed in a way. Michael has his brains and his ruthless business sense, Gabriel is possessed with this undeniable talent of seeing the lightness and humility in anything no matter how dark or twisted it may seem and even though he tries to hide it with his outside persona deep down I know that Luke has this love for our entire family, even our father and Michael, and I believe he would do anything for us if we were ever in dire need or trouble.” Castiel heard himself say to Dean. He glanced over slightly towards the other boy expecting to see a blank face or the fake mask of someone pretending to listen and care but instead of that he saw bright green eyes full of intensity and understanding. Dean’s whole face showed that he was listening to Castiel not because he had to but because he wanted to. It was a scary notion, being heard because the listener wanted to hear and not just to fill some sort of obligation.

“And you?” Dean asked. Was it possible that Dean had moved closer towards Castiel? They were certainly sitting closer than they had a minute or so before. Could Castiel have done that, shrunk the space between them?

“Me?” Castiel asked.

“Yeah, what have you been blessed with?” Dean asked. _You perhaps_ Castiel was tempted to say but he couldn’t possibly because he wasn’t brave or drunk enough, he wasn’t sure which one it was yet and he wasn’t sure which one he wanted to be more; brave or incredibly drunk.

Instead Castiel muttered “I guess I’m still searching for what I’ve been blessed with.” He picked up one of the random bottles of beer he’d brought out with him along with Meg’s hipflask and took a generous swig of the alcohol inside. He winced slightly at the punching taste but the warmth seeping down his throat made himself feel instantly better. Silence fell between Castiel and Dean for several minutes and a sense of disquiet began to crawl up Castiel’s spine. Surely Dean had better things that he could be doing instead of being sat here with Castiel watching him become slowly more intoxicated. He glanced over to Dean and watched the smoke from Dean’s cigarette curling upwards. Dean let out a small sigh before taking a quick drag of his cigarette, holding in the smoke for a moment for exhaling. The smoke bled from his full lips with a slow and free grace that sent a twitch to Castiel’s fingers. He wanted nothing more than to have even a scrap of paper on him so he could sketch the way the smoke seeped out from Dean’s lips so effortlessly and naturally. Insouciantly and languidly like Dean himself. He pictured closing the space between them and letting the smoke from Dean’s lips seep across his own, inhaling it in before bringing his lips to Dean’s in a crushing kiss. Dean would taste of smoke, apples, cinnamon and must; that was what Castiel decided and his bones were practically vibrating with the need to find out if he was right or not.

This wasn’t right, the feeling that was slowly worming itself into Castiel’s brain. It wasn’t right at all because he could feel himself begin to care. He was beginning to care what Dean thought of him and that wasn’t right at all. He wasn’t supposed to care what people thought of him because he didn’t care anymore. He wasn’t supposed to seek someone’s approval because he certainly had none to give anyone else anymore.

“So…what’s the deal with this Meg?” Dean asked breaking Castiel’s train of thoughts. Castiel couldn’t help but sigh with relief. “Are you guys friends or something? ‘Cause she’s kind of…well she’s not really like Anna is she?”

“I don’t really do friends Dean.” Castiel said looking away from Dean and out across Meg’s front yard. The lake was barely visible in the dark of the night but from the sound of the crickets and gentle lap of water Castiel knew it was out there.

“You have Anna though.” Dean pressed.

“She’s more of a sister than a friend. We’ve known each other since we were little after all.”

“And you have Charlie” Dean pointed out. “And…and you have me.” He added after several moments of silence and in a quieter voice that sent a pang of something Castiel wasn’t sure of into his stomach.

“We’re-” Castiel tried to say but Dean scoffed loudly.

“Yeah you’ve said you don’t really do the whole friendship thing.” Dean said acrimoniously as he looked away from Castiel and flicked his nearly finished cigarette away from him. Castiel wanted to explain, he wanted to explain so badly why he couldn’t really be friends with Dean but he knew he’d never be able to fully explicate it, there was no way of telling someone that the hopelessness you felt on a daily basis caused you to not want to be close to people. He couldn’t say without Dean wanting to run a mile and no doubt call him a freak or something worse. “Look I get it…I just don’t understand why.” Dean muttered. The hurt look on his face was just too painful and Castiel knew he had to get away as quickly as he could before he ended up saying something that he couldn’t take back. 

“I’m going back into the house.” Castiel said quickly trying to pull himself up from the step. The alcohol in Meg’s hipflask must have been stronger than he thought or he must have drunk more than he initially guessed he had because not only was it difficult standing up but his head was beginning to swim with a familiar sensation. His arms and legs were heavy like lead and his head felt like it wasn’t his own. Castiel knew this feeling and gladly welcomed it though he wished he could remind standing for longer than a second as it would make walking back into the house a lot easier than it was at that moment. Slowly a different sensation reached his brain, a sense of pressure on his arm that he never felt when drunk. Looking down at his arm Castiel was surprised to see a hand gripping onto his wrist. A leather sleeve covered the wrist of the owner of the hand. Of course it would be Dean, who else would it be?

“Are you ok?” Dean asked. His voice was closer than Castiel would have thought and he realised Dean was close, too close, to him; their chests were nearly flushed with one another’s and Castiel pulse began to race from the proximity. “Cas? Cas are you alright?”

“Never better babe.” Castiel muttered not remotely surprised by how sardonic his voice sounded. Dean didn’t even flinch at the acerbity that soaked Castiel’s words.

“Yeah, yeah very funny Cas, very funny. Come on, put your arm around my shoulder and I’ll help you back into the house.” Dean said.

“I can walk by my goddamn self you know. I’m not some sort of goddamn child. I don’t need your help Dean, for fuck sake.” Castiel shot back quickly.

“And yet I keep offering my help to you and you keep taking it so what does that say?” Dean back with just as much acid in his voice as Castiel did.

“It says that you’re a fucking glutton for punishment and I am a goddam freaking idiot.” Castiel said. “I don’t understand why you keep offering me your help.” He then shot at Dean not even caring how mean he sounded because it would probably help if Dean started to hate him.

“Saying things like that proves that you are a ‘goddamn freaking idiot’. I’m offering my help because I see us as friends.”

“Now who’s trying to be the funny one, huh Dean?” Castiel said without a hint of humour in his voice.

“That wasn’t meant to be a joke.” Dean quickly retorted sounding annoyed.

“And yet I’m going to take it as one because that would be so much easier.” Castiel said almost as if he wanted to get a rise of Dean by saying that. He actually wouldn’t have minded at all that because at least Dean would leave him alone. Dean sighed with annoyance but didn’t make any movement that showed he was going to leave Castiel there by himself mores the pity.

“Come on; let’s get you inside where, hopefully, you’ll cause less damage or just pass out.” Dean said moving so Castiel was leaning against him. Castiel tried to push him away but Dean clung onto him tightly.

“Oh for fuck sake, I can walk by myself Dean!” Castiel snapped realising with a wince that he sounded very much like a small child complaining to a parent...if said child swore. That also really wasn’t the analogy he wanted to think of at that moment seeing as how he was having a small battle inside his head over whether or not he should kiss Dean full on the mouth just to get it out of his system to see not only what Dean would taste like but also how it would feel to have Dean Winchester’s tongue in his mouth. Really it would not take much for Castiel to just close the space between them and push his tongue into Dean’s mouth. The mere thought of that sent a shot of desire up through Castiel’s veins.

“You can barely stand by yourself Cas so I’m going to carry on helping you despite your ‘sparkling’ personality.” Dean pointed out and Castiel swore under his breath because Dean Winchester had to be right didn’t he? Fucking Dean Winchester with his leather jacket, his smile and his damn caretaker mentality. Dean Winchester who always had to be right no matter what. “Come on, I’m going to take you back into the house.” Dean then said moving again ever so slightly so Castiel was fully leaning on him, it was a good thing Dean was a few inches taller than Castiel was and clearly strong enough to support his frame otherwise Castiel would most likely have fallen on his ass.

“You’re stronger than you look” Castiel heard himself mumble drunkenly. “You could probably bench press me without breaking a sweat…if you’re into that sort of thing of course” he added before his brain could even catch up to the words tumbling from his mouth.

“Wow, how much have you actually had to drink?” Dean asked with a bemused expression on his face.

“More than a little but less than a lot.” Castiel shot back and instead of saying anything Dean just chuckled because that was probably the easiest thing to do in that situation. He was mere centimetres from Dean, it really would take much to close the space between them and kiss him. He knew Dean would taste like smoke, his lips would be new and searching and he would make Castiel feel truly alive. Those thoughts alone were intoxicating. It wouldn’t take much, he could just pull Dean in closer and they would be together. It was so tempting…so easily palpable if he just let into what he wanted….what he craved.   

"Castiel?" Anna's concerned voice filtered down to Castiel's brain. Looking upwards he saw worry etched onto Anna's face. "Christ, are you ok? How much have you had to drink?" Anna asked. Castiel tried to shake his head to show her he was fine but Anna held up her hand to stop him before he could do anything. "Don't even try that with me Novak. Come on, I'm taking you back to my house. You can sleep this off until Gabriel and your dad have come back home." Anna said pulling Castiel up into a standing position despite the fact that Castiel was easily several inches taller than her and had several pounds on her. Anna was a scrappy fighter when younger though and she spent some of her spare time with Jo when she wasn't with Castiel so it was a given that she was stronger than she look. 

"I can help-" Dean tried to say.

"Oh I think you've done enough already don’t you?" Castiel heard Anna snap at Dean as she started dragging Castiel towards her car. What Anna meant by that was beyond Castiel and he was going to tell Anna not to snap at Dean, that was more his job and even then it was only mockingly, but the fierce look on her face told Castiel that even when drunk it was not a good time to say anything to Anna which could result in her making Castiel sleep off his hangover in the old workshop that was at the end of Anna's garden and seemed like a breeding ground for spiders.

“Anna I don’t know what you’re-”

“Just leave it Dean and let me get Castiel back to my house ok?” Anna snapped. Castiel vaguely wondered what on earth Anna was actually talking about without Dean’s help he was actually finding it difficult to stay upright. “Get in the car Castiel though if you throw up then so help me Jesus I might just kill you.” Anna said towards him in a firm voice but it managed to be more friendly than the one she’d used on Dean.

“Would you make me sleep in the old workshop with all the spiders?” Castiel mumbled.

“Oh that would be a given, now get in the car and don’t even think about changing the radio station because I cannot deal with classic rock right about now.” Anna said before she turned back to glare at Dean. “I really don’t know what you thought you’d achieve by getting my best friend drunk but obviously you didn’t manage to accomplish it so just stop right now with whatever it is that you are doing. Just leave Castiel alone ok?” Anna snapped at Dean. “He’s been through enough without having some punk ass layabout from detention waltzing in and acting like his friend when really he’s just some secret shitty agenda to fuck my best friend over. Now just back off already before you end up causing a load of damage I’m not able to fix!” Before Dean could say anything, and before Castiel could correct Anna on his drunken state and how it wasn’t Dean’s fault in the slightest, Anna climbed into her car and gave Dean one last fleeting glare before her car engine roared into life thus clearly ending Castiel’s evening…if he was able to actually remember any of the evening when he woke up.

 

\---

A splitting headache, dry mouth and the feeling that his eyelids had been replaced with sandpaper greeted Castiel when he woke up tangled in the duvet of Anna's bed. He knew it was Anna’s duvet as his own wasn’t covered in an abstract paint splatter design. His duvet also generally tended to smell like musk and coffee while Anna’s was always cotton fresh. He noticed his jacket from the night before had been placed on Anna's sloped artist's desk though he was still in the rest of his clothing from that night. He groaned slightly and shifted his body slightly as the bedroom door opened. His neck creaked loudly and he was positive that it was going to feel stiff for the rest of the day.

Anna came into the room carrying a tray burdened with a large mug, a glass of water and a stack of dry toast. Castiel stretched up, ignoring the loud cracking in his back as he stretched which meant that his back as well as his neck would feel stiff, and braced himself for the wrath that Anna would no doubt bring down upon him. Anna placed the tray down and turned to look at Castiel. He winced slightly as he waited for Anna to start shouting at him.

"Here" Anna said holding out what looked like a pack of headache tablets and the glass of water. Castiel looked down at the tablets Anna had just placed in his hand then back up to Anna. "I'm not going to yell at you because I'm not angry at you." Anna said knowing instantly what he was thinking because they’d been friends for that long.

"You're not?" Castiel asked. From how angry Anna had looked last night he was convinced that she was planning to shout at him for quite some time about various things.

"Oh for God sake Castiel! Of course I'm not angry at you, can't you see that I'm just worried about you?" Anna asked. "You promised me you wouldn't drink so much then I find you outside, drunk as anything with Dean Winchester of all people! I would have thought that I would need to be worried about you with Meg but now clearly I have to add Dean to the list as well!" 

"You hardly need a list..." Castiel muttered.

"Don't Castiel, just don't. I clearly need a list when I find you draped all over Dean like a freaking scarf." Anna snapped. "Oh God, now I’m snapping at you…great, just great. Look, I'm not angry with you but I will be if you're not careful in the future. I love you too much to let you act like this ok? Oh and please answer your phone; it's been buzzing since last night." Anna said throwing Castiel's phone at him. He reached for it but it still managed to hit him in the chest. Looking down at the screen he saw he had several messages:

 **Meg Masters: 23:46** _\- Hey Clarence, didn’t see you before you bailed. One of my little minions said you were outside smoking with Dean Winchester? So from straight wholesome Christian you go to straight, foul mouthed bad boy? Way to go Clarence!_

Charlie Winchester: 7:34 _\- Hey! Didn't see you much last night! Meg’s house is huge and I swear I got lost at least fifteen times. Did Dean tell you about us wanting you to come for dinner soon?? Text back! Xxx_

_7:46 - By the way Dean was asking about you, if you were ok etc and I gave him your number. Hope that is ok._

_7:48 - Also apparently Dean has your lighter…_

_7:50 – Since when did you smoke???_

_7:54 – I’m not going to ask why my brother has your lighter because you’ll probably have a pissy fit at me._

_7:57 – That sounded mean…sorry…_

_8:01 – Text me back when you’re alive ok?_

_8:03 – If you are alive that is._

**Unknown:** **8:53** _\- Hey, it's Dean. Charlie gave me your number so I could see if you were ok, I hope that’s ok. How's the head this morning? Anna seemed pretty pissed off last night, hope she didn't yell at you too much. For a small chick she looks damn strong. Hope the hangover isn’t too much of a bitch and that you got back to Anna’s alright. Um, text back if you’re in the land of the living ok?_

 **Gabriel: 9:15**  - _Dad and I are on our way back now. We should be home at about midday, after one at the latest. Dad hasn’t said much about the fight with Luke but I think things should be ok as long as Luke stops being such a dick. Michael’s probably kept the house anally clean unless you had some crazy party while we were away. Kali sends her love by the way, see you soon little brother._

Castiel rubbed his eyes several times before groaning slightly at the onslaught of messages he would reply to when he actually found the will to live. “Gabriel and my dad are on their way back home.” Castiel said blinking furiously to try and dispel the raging pain pounding in his head. “They should be back soon…I need to get back home.” He added trying to pull himself out of Anna’s bed.

“Yeah, what you need is a shower because I really doubt that your dad will really appreciate you coming home having alcohol vapours leaking from your pores.” Anna said wrinkling her nose.

“I can shower at home; I’ve spent too long passed out on your bed.” Castiel said gulping down more Aspirin and water before grabbing two slices of toast.

“Look I don’t care that you passed out on my bed.” Anna said firmly. “I just…” she began to stutter and Castiel braced himself because clearly Anna was building up to something. “Look Castiel…I’m worried about you and I know you keep telling me to stop worrying about you but you’re my best friend and I love you so much so I don’t want to see you fall apart like this.” Anna said seriously as she gripped onto Castiel’s wrist. “Please Castiel…I can’t see you carry on like this. It’s not fair…it’s not fair and I hate seeing you like this. I thought you were getting better but last night…well you were a drunken mess.”

“Anna-” Castiel said wincing because he couldn’t remember much from the night before but what he could remember wasn’t remotely positive. He really hoped that he hadn’t actually kissed Dean Winchester and that had just been a drunken dream. Sadly he was fairly convinced that his comment about Dean being able to bench press him had been said while Castiel had been both conscious and in Dean’s presence.

“No I’m not going to stop talking because you need to hear this Castiel. I can’t see you carry on like everything you do doesn’t matter and like you don’t matter because it’s stupid. You do matter and I don’t want to watch you become even more miserable…I really thought you were getting better but recently you just seem to be sinking back to how you were six months ago. Please just…just remember that everyone around you cares even your brothers though you don’t think they do.” Anna said gravely.

“Is that the end of this pep talk?” Castiel asked tiredly.

“Yes because you sink of alcohol and your hair looks like it’s completely given up. Go and get a shower.” Anna said tapping Castiel lightly on the arm. With a sigh Castiel pulled himself off Anna’s bed and grabbed his jacket that had been slung over the end of Anna’s bed. While he was busy pulling on his shoes he heard Anna give a little cough. Looking upwards Castiel gave her a questioning look. “Castiel…” Anna said and her voice suddenly sounded wary like Castiel was a horse that would bolt as soon as she came too close to him. “You and Dean Winchester…”

“Are nothing but people that know each other.” Castiel said too quickly. He could tell that he’d said it far too quickly just by the look on Anna’s face.

After a moment Anna gave another cough. “He looked worried about you last night.” She commented.

“No he looked scared when you shouted at him.” Castiel said quickly correcting Anna.

“How do you know that?” Anna asked in surprise as her eyebrows shot up. “You were close to passing out at that point.”

“You have a very loud voice when angry.” Castiel pointed out because it was true. She might have been soft spoken to many people but Anna really did have a wicked temper on her.

“Well I found you outside nearly passed out and the only other person there was Dean. I wasn’t going to get angry at you-”

“So you chose Dean to be the one to yell at?”  Castiel asked. No one deserved to be on the end of one of Anna’s moods. Castiel’s forehead still bore a small scar from the time when they were nine years old and Anna hit him over the head with a videotape case because he had upset her over something neither of them could remember anymore. The last thing Castiel wanted was for Anna to yell at Dean over anything, especially Castiel himself.

“You seem defensive for someone you say is just someone you know.” Anna said and her words held even more weight and subtext than Castiel thought was possible.     

“I know what you’re getting at Anna.” He said with a small sigh.

“Oh you do?” Anna asked raising an eyebrow.

“Yes I do so stop it because it is not what you think at all, we’re not even friends.”

“You seem to spend a lot of time together for people who aren’t friends.” Anna said.

“Anna-”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that you wouldn’t have kissed him last night if you had either become even more drunk or you thought that you could get away with it.” Anna said still with an eyebrow raised. Castiel looked at Anna but he found that he couldn’t form any words. “See, you can’t do it.” Anna said looking smug.

“Anna I don’t like Dean like that, I don’t even like him in anyway.” Castiel said quickly looking away.

“I don’t believe you one tiny bit and I’m getting sick of having this conversation. Just grow a pair already and admit to him that you like him.” Anna said bluntly. “Now give me a hug before I feel like a complete bitch then for the sake of everyone please have a shower because it smells like you used vodka as a face wash.” Anna added. He rolled his but Castiel still hugged Anna goodbye because even if she was pissed off at him, and knew full well that Castiel would have kissed Dean the night before, she was still his best friend.

 

\---

His father’s car was on the driveway when Castiel got home from Anna’s and he really wished he’d accepted several more Aspirin tablets from Anna as his head felt like it was going to explode. He wanted nothing more than to lie down in a dark room for the next week or so until his head stopped pounding. Hopefully by that time Dean would have forgotten everything that Castiel had drunkenly said to him. On the other hand he could develop a time machine, go back in time and never say anything remotely drunk to Dean but building a time machine would be a pain in the ass so it probably would have been better if Charlie invented it. To be honest if Charlie invented a time machine id had more chance of working than if Castiel tried to invent one.

After finding the hallway and living room suspiciously empty Castiel gingerly walked into the kitchen to the whirring sound of the coffee machine and the sight of Gabriel leaning against the kitchen countertop with one of his large coffee mugs in hand.

“Hey bro.” Gabriel said pouring liberal amounts of syrup to his coffee.

“Hey…where is everyone?” Castiel asked warily. The house being in near silence was more terrifying than everyone screaming. 

“Oh I snapped and pushed Dad out the plane then came home and brutally murdered both Michael and Luke to establish myself as the ruler of the house.” Gabriel said. “Coffee?” he asked nodding towards the coffee machine. Castiel nodded his head appreciatively.

“None of that would surprise me at all.” Castiel said going to the cabinet for the strongest headache tablets known to man. “But seriously, where is everyone?”

“Oh Dad is upstairs unpacking and Michael and Luke actually did die when the smelt the alcohol vapours seeping from your pours.” Gabriel said smirking. “What exactly did you do last night? Are you even supposed to be drinking?” Gabriel asked looking Castiel up and down.

“I don’t know…I don’t care.” Castiel shrugged. “How was New York?” he asked trying to steer Gabriel away from any talk of Meg’s party the night before.

“It was great; I got to spend time with Kali and actually had more than a five minute conversation with dad.” Gabriel explained. “Apparently he blocked Luke’s bank account because of the amounts of money going in; he was worried that Luke’s been doing something less than legal.”

“Are they actually going to talk about it or are they going to tip toe around one another for several weeks?” Castiel grumbled. It wasn’t like that hadn’t happened one or two or fifteen times before.

“Who knows?” Gabriel asked shrugging his shoulders. “Does anyone in this family actually talk about anything without fighting or awkwardly ignoring someone for weeks on end?” Gabriel had a point there seeing as Castiel had done the exact same thing with Dean and would probably end doing it again after all his drunken memories returned to him. “Dad wants us all to sit down and have a family dinner tonight though. We’re having Italian and before you ask, no you cannot skip it and go to Anna’s. She’s probably sick of you if you passed out at her house last night.”

Castiel grumbled under his breath while Gabriel rolled his eyes expertly. “Fine.” Castiel muttered with defeat. “But if anyone starts shouting then I’m going up to room and not coming out until graduation.”

“Got it bro, I’ll make sure all Novaks are informed of this.” Gabriel said smirking.

“You don’t have to be a sarcastic asshole about it.” Castiel shot back.

“I was actually being sincere; I guess the seductive powers of the sarcastic side of the force are just too strong for me to ignore.”

“Fucking hell, Charlie would have a field day with you. Remind me to never introduce you to her.” Castiel said shaking his head, which wasn’t the greatest of ideas as his head was still pounding. “I’m going to shower then sleep, don’t wake me unless the house is on fire or someone is dead.” He added empty half the pack of headache tablets into his hand and taking himself off towards his room, praying as he went that he didn’t bump into any other member of his family and suffocate them with alcohol fumes.

 

\---

Castiel barely spoke to Dean all week though that was quite difficult as they sat next to one another in art. At several points during the week it had been clear that Dean had tried to talk to him but Castiel kept his earphones in his ears and had his music up as loud as it could go. After some of the drunken memories from Meg’s party returned to him Castiel found it nearly impossible even look at Dean without remembering some of the more embarrassing things he said or his face reddening. If there was ever a reason for him to quit getting drunk then those drunken rambles would have been very good examples.

“Cas…Cas…Castiel.” Dean huffed on Friday afternoon when they were halfway through an art class in which Castiel had done pretty much nothing but try to act like Dean wasn’t sat next to him. Castiel carried on ignoring him and listening to the music pouring out his earphones. A scrap piece of paper was chucked onto Castiel’s sketch pad covered in what was clearly Dean’s handwriting.

Stop being a dick Cas and just talk to me. Sure you were drunk and made an ass out of yourself but you weren’t that bad.

Castiel looked at the note several times before moving it out the way and carrying on with the drawing he was working on.

“Cas…Cas…Cas I know you can hear me.” Dean said. Castiel sighed and pulled an earphone out of his ear and turned to quickly glance at Dean which probably wasn’t the greatest of ideas because the open look on Dean’s face, without a single hint of the anger Castiel expected, as he looked over at Castiel was incredibly distracting even if Castiel was trying to ignore him.. “Ok…um…look I was wondering…are you busy this afternoon?”

“Yes.” Castiel shot back without even stopping to think.

“Really?” Dean asked making it sound like he didn’t remotely believe Castiel. Stupid dick…

“Fine I’m not busy, why Dean?” Castiel asked.

“It’s just that I’m not sure about what to put in my art portfolio and obviously it’s due in soon. You’re the only person I’ve really spoken to in this class and you know what you’re talking about when it comes to art and stuff like that-”

“Dean what exactly are you asking of me?” Castiel asked.

“Would you help me put my portfolio together?” Dean asked quickly now refusing to look at Castiel. Castiel’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “It probably won’t take long and to be honest you’re only the person who has seen my artwork so I couldn’t think of anyone else to ask. Like I said it really won’t take long so it’s not like you’d be at my house long but I know that Charlie and my mom would want you to stay for dinner-”

“If I say ‘yes’ right now and even agree to staying for dinner if Charlie and your mom badger me enough about will you stop babbling?” Castiel asked and he really couldn’t believe that he was agreeing to this. Anna was going to have a fucking field day. Dean just nodded his damn head and gave Castiel such a smile it was actually ridiculous. Instantly Castiel wanted to back out but something stopped him, he really wasn’t sure what it was and it made him more nervous than the thought of being back at Dean’s house, maybe even in Dean’s room. 

 

\---

“Shotgun!” Charlie cried that afternoon before they had even reached the Impala.

Dean snorted loudly and shot Charlie and smirking smile. “Nice try ginger but guest gets shotgun.” he said.

“Since when has that been the rule?” Charlie shot back pouting. 

“Since Cas won’t try and force me to play Disney soundtracks or anything from the Billboard charts…or The Raincoats” Dean shot back just as quickly.

“Well excuse me for being the only person in this family to appreciate the work of Stephen Swartz,” Charlie said huffing loudly.  “And there is nothing wrong with The Raincoats!”

“I think I could write a very long list with things wrong with The Raincoats.” Dean muttered to Castiel and even though he was still trying to ignore Dean as much as actually possible, while still going to the Winchester’s house, Castiel couldn’t help but smile while Charlie muttered darkly under her breath about Dean’s lack of musical taste.

“-sitting and having to listen to Mick Jagger for the millionth time.” Castiel heard Charlie grumble as she climbed into the backseat of the Impala with a smirking Sam in tow.

 

\---

The Winchester household was just the same as it had been the last time Castile had been there apart from the lack of Mary Winchester who was at work according to Sam. Dean seemed nervous as he led Castiel upstairs towards his room. Castiel had several ideas of what Dean’s room could potential look like but when Dean opened the door he was surprised by the sheer neatness of the room. Everything was so neat it made Castiel’s room look like it had been hit by a hurricane. He wondered for a moment if Mary cleaned Dean’s room for him because wasn’t that what mothers did? They would care for their children and run after them with vacuums and sarcastic comments; they wouldn’t run off and abandon their children. Castiel shook his head, no he wasn’t going to think about his mother, not when he was currently alone with Dean. 

The posters that lined Dean’s walls were of countless films, many of them old sci-fi or fantasy films, and bands like Led Zepplin, The Ramones or The Beatles. This with the rest of the house there were also endless photos though the largest one was next to Dean’s bed, one of Mary holding a happy looking two year old Castiel assumed to be Dean.

“Neat.” Castiel said looking around the room.

“Huh?”

“Oh the room…it’s very neat.” Castiel said realising just how stupid he sounded. Dean shot him a smug smile as he too glanced around the room.

“Oh well you know, ’tidy room, tidy mind’ and all that.” Dean said with a shrug.

“Must be why my room looks like a shit storm.” Castiel said. Dean chuckled and shook his head at Castiel’s remark but didn’t say anything so Castiel took this opportunity to look round the room some more. A small bookcase next to Dean’s bed was full of books, graphic novels and ‘Making Of’ or ‘Art Of’ books from various films. Castiel also noticed several art books he had at home. The most well-read looking one was a book on the work of Da Vinci. As Castiel picked up the book he could feel several loose pages and noted how the spine had been broken over and over again. “Da Vinci?” he asked in surprise. 

“What?” Dean asked looking over to where Castiel was nodding. “Oh yeah, I mean I love a shitload of modern stuff but I guess I sort of got into his stuff a few years ago…his sketches and stuff you know but I’d kill to go to France and see his work.”

“At the Louvre?” Castiel asked. “My father took us a few years ago. Well he had a business trip there so he decided the whole family should go to Paris. I think he was concerned with what would happen if he left the continent so he took us with him. Luke spent most of the trip drinking wine, Michael spent most of it in the hotel room with a migraine and I was in charge of not letting Gabriel out of my sight.”

“That sounds…eventful.”

“Yes it was…there are many reasons why we have been banned from ever returning to the Eiffel Tower and all of them are to do with Gabriel.” Castiel said. Dean loud laugh filled the room making Castiel smile.

“Man I’d love to go but I get nervous flying and shit like that and Charlie’s made me watch Titanic too many times for me to ever sail across the Atlantic.” Dean explained. “If there was ever a time for trans warp beaming to become a thing that is real, it’s now.” Dean added with a smile and Castiel couldn’t help but smile back because sometimes Dean really was a nerd. “So…I guess I should show you my portfolio seeing as it’s the reason I dragged you here. I’ve got to warn you though, it’s pretty shitty.” Dean said moving a few things on his desk so he could pick up a sketchpad. He handed it to Castiel with a nervous grin did not make Castiel’s stomach jolt; well that’s what he told himself at least.

“Dean I’ve seen some of your work in class so I can assure you it won’t be shitty at all.” Castiel said trying to sound nonchalant as he took the sketchpad from Dean and opened it to the front page. 

The first drawing was one of Sam and Charlie. The pair of then had clearly fallen asleep while being surrounded by Star Trek: The Next Generation DVDs. Charlie was sprawled out across most of the couch, her Hogwarts crest hoodie swamping her as it was two sizes too big. The pissed off expression on Sam’s face, even while he was asleep was priceless as it was clear Charlie taking up most of the room on the couch despite her being several inches smaller than Sam.

The sketch pad was full of Dean's photographic sketching from Jo resting her feet up on her desk during detention, Mary laughing as she baked in the kitchen, Charlie looking like she was in the middle of some crazy dance in the den and one of Anna and Castiel smirking into their Roadhouse coffee mugs. What they were laughing about at the time Castiel couldn't remember but the pair of them looked so happy that it filled him with lightness.

“I…I hope you don’t mind that I sketched you and Anna.” Dean said scratching the back of his neck. It made Castiel smirk at how often Dean did that when they were around one another.

“No it’s ok…Dean these are really good.” Castiel said looking through the rest of Dean’s sketches and marvelling at their quality. There was one of Mary and Charlie that was so realistic that Castiel could practically hear the laughter coming from their mouths. Castiel really couldn’t help but smile at Dean’s skill, he put himself down so much over it when really he had no reason to. 

“Are you sure?” Dean asked making it sound like his life depended on Castiel critique.

“No, I’m just lying to you in order to butter you up.” Castiel said acerbically. Dean sighed loudly,  trying to take the sketch pad away from Castiel as he did so. “There’s really good ok? I don’t know why you were so worried about your portfolio not being good enough.” Castiel added making sure that he actually sounded sincere as he looked through some of Dean’s other sketches. Dean was talented, there was no denying that. While Castiel went for more of an abstract approach with his work Dean’s sketches and drawings had much more of a photographic quality to them; they were incredibly realistic and the shading was of very good quality. “You’re really talented Dean.” Castiel then said smirking slightly when Dean’s cheeks pinked making his faint freckles become more prominent.

“I guess it’s because I’ve never really shown them to anyone apart from you, I never actually took any classes at my other schools…I sort of signed up for the one here on a whim you know. The school is a pretty liberal place and it felt like the right thing to take an art class.” Dean said. “It’s worked out for me so far though…well I guess it has anyway.” Dean added slightly under his breath. Castiel glanced over at Dean’s sketch pad then back at the boy himself. Dean looked back at him and frowned slightly. “So…are you going to tell me why you spent the week ignoring me after Meg’s party?” Dean asked with a voice full of frustration.

“How do you know that I was ignoring you?” Castiel said trying to sound nonchalant.

“I might claim that I’m not the brightest bulb but I’m not stupid Cas, it’s been freaking obvious that you’ve been ignoring me as you practically run the other way when you see me in the hallways and the only sound you’ve made in art all week was when you sneezed on Wednesday; you’ve been ignoring me, admit it.”

“Look I apologise for being drunk the other night…well I apologise for being an idiot when drunk.” Castiel said. Anna may have had a point when she said, several times, that an intoxicated Castiel was, in Anna’s own words, ‘kind of an asshole’.

“If anything you were more cynical and contemptuous than idiotic.” Dean pointed out. “Although we did establish that I keep offering you my help despite you being a dick about it.” Dean added after a moment of silence. Castiel looked back at Dean and there was so much he wanted to say but he found that he just couldn’t. There was too much weight in the words he could potentially say and he was terrified of Dean realising that, despite how hard he tried, he was seriously falling for Dean. 

 

\---

“Mom had to work late and we’re just going to order pizza ‘cause Charlie doesn’t feel like pulling out the hazmat suits, you guys want any pizza?” Sam asked leaning on the doorframe as he glanced down at his cell phone.

“Yeah sure, what time did Mom say she’d be back?” Dean asked but Sam was busy looking at his phone’s screen. “Sam…Sam? Yo! Earth to the moose child!” Dean called and Sam quickly looked back up to Dean with a slight blush on his cheeks. “Why are you staring at your cell phone lovingly? We’ve spoken about your love for technology but this is taking it a bit far don’t you think?” Dean said and it amused Castiel who quickly Dean could go from the open person telling him about his passion for art to the elder brother determined to terrorise his siblings.

“Very funny Dean…I was actually texting Ruby.” Sam said blushing even more to Dean’s glee from the huge grin spread across his face. “And I’m now regretting telling you that because no doubt you’ve never going to let me live it down.” Sam added rolling his eyes. “Charlie’s going to order the pizzas so if you have any preferences then just yell them.” Sam said hurrying down the hallway before Dean could say anything else about him and Ruby.

“Just don’t put veggies on mine!” Dean yelled. “He’s going to come back with some ‘Vegetable Supreme’ or shit like that just to fuck with me.” Dean then muttered rolling his eyes. “God I can’t look at anything else that I’ve drawn for a good few hours. Do you have to get home or do you feel like watching a movie or something like that?” Dean asked.  Castiel should have said no, he should of said that he needed to go home and stay as far away from Dean as possible. Instead he said;

“Yeah…sure.” Dean grinned at him and started off on a long discussion about why Batman was the great hero of all time.  

 

\---

Castiel wasn’t aware of ever falling asleep but as he slowly stirred he saw that the only light in Dean’s room was now coming from the television screen which was showing the main title menu of the DVD they had been watching hours before. Castiel blinked several times before glancing over to the small digital clock on Dean’s dresser. 3:26 flashed in tiny green numbers causing Castiel let out a small groan. He fished around in his pockets from his phone and it took a moment to locate it on the floor as it must have fallen out his pocket when he’d fallen asleep. There was only one text message from Gabriel which was something of a relief.

 **Gabriel: 1:16**  - _Assume you’re at Anna’s for the night…that was what I told Dad anyway._

If Castiel left now he would be home in less than fifteen minutes, ten if he jogged. He wasn’t sure what Dean would say when he woke up to find Castiel not there but it probably wouldn’t be as bad as what Gabriel, or worse Michael, would say when he found out that Castiel hasn’t stopped over at Anna’s. Castiel grabbed his things and quickly hurried out the room, making sure he didn’t wake Dean is the process. 

The Winchester’s house was in complete darkness which made moving across the long hallway a difficulty but after blinking for several moments Castiel's eye slowly began to adjust to gloom. Turning on the light would have been easier and more helpful but there was a strong possibility he might wake someone up.

"If you're planning on sneaking out then you should know that the third step from the bottom creaks really loudly and next door’s dog is a barker." A voice muttered sending waves of shock through Castiel's body. He whirled round in the dark and sighed with slight relief when he saw that it was only Charlie standing in her doorway, the faint glow from a laptop inside her room being the only source of light until, with a tut, Charlie turned on a nearby lamp filling the hallway with a soft orangey red light. Charlie folded her arms across what looked like Harry Potter themed pyjamas and gave Castiel a raised eyebrow. 

"Fuck sake Charlie, you scared the shit out of me!" Castiel said though from the way he had jolted that was fairly obvious. 

"Dude, it's three in the morning, why are you sneaking out of my brother's bedroom looking really shifty?" Charlie asked raising an eyebrow.

"A better question to ask would be ‘Why are you awake at three in morning?’" Castiel asked though knowing Charlie she had probably been sat in her room watching TV shows for the past five hours eating copious amounts of pizza and complaining about the lack of characterisation over the internet.

"I was having a Community marathon and Skyping my friend back in Kansas." Charlie said with a shrug. Well that proved that Castiel had indeed been right. "Now why were you sneaking out my brother's room?"

"We were watching a film and I guess I fell asleep." Castiel said.

"You know, sneaking out his room implies that Dean doesn't know you're leaving at this moment in time." Charlie pointed out. "Listen Castiel, He may be a lot of things; cocky, sarcastic, painfully blunt, rude, a pain in the ass as well showing a clear lack of respect for anyone with authority but he's also pretty closed off and it's clear that he likes you enough to open up in some way. Please don't be an asshole towards him" Charlie said. "You're like my only friend here so I don't mind saying this Castiel; please don't fuck around with Dean. If you do like him then just tell him because if you don't then I might end up locking the pair of you in a small room until you tell him."

"I don't-"

"Oh for God sake, cut the bullshit and don't act stupid because both you and Dean are far too smart to get away with it. You like him and Dean-

“Charlie-”

“Oh for God’s sake! It’s kind of obvious that Dean likes you too seeing as he never shuts up about you!" Charlie said. "Do you know where Dean could have been tonight?" she then asked. 

"No but I'm sure you'll tell me."

"He could have been on a date with Lisa Braden but instead he wanted to spend the evening with you despite your less than sunny personality so what does that say?" 

"That he has a thing for annoyingly cheerful brunette cheerleaders?" Castiel offered. The look on Charlie’s face was clearly the look of someone who was contemplating murder.

"No you idiot." Charlie practically groaned. "I swear, I give up with the pair of you. You’re both as clueless as each other."

"Charlie-"

"Cas."

“Charlie I feel like I should point out the freaking obvious here and that is that Dean is straight and doesn’t remotely like me in that way, I mean’s we’re not even that good of friends-”

“I swear to whoever is up there that I might throw a book at you in a minute I will make sure it’s Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, if not larger…I’m sure I have the complete works of Jane Austen in hardback somewhere which would cause a lot of damage.” Charlie said. "Now don't be a dick by sneaking out because it will just make Dean paranoid and Dean being paranoid is one of the most annoying things ever."

"You're very bossy at three in the morning." Castiel pointed out. 

"Well we're friends so I can get away with it, plus if Dean wakes up and finds you not there he will only barge into to my room, because Sammy has the sense to tell him to piss off at three in the morning, to analyse every possible reason why you could have left. I cannot handle that again without having watched Pillows and Blankets several times beforehand because the last time Dean woke me up in the middle of the night to complain about something he made me sit up until seven in the morning with no coffee and he only woke me up because he’d finished reading Under the Dome and he wanted to talk to me about the ending in deep detail! Can you imagine how long he would keep me awake if he discovered you’d snuck out the house?" Charlie hissed as her voice grew more and more annoyed. "You know maybe you should start letting people in, you'd be amazed by what happens."

“Are you done?” Castiel asked.

“Yes…for now.” Charlie said.

"Fine." Castiel muttered making his way back towards Dean's room.

"Wow, I did not expect that to actually work." Charlie called down the hallway. 

"Me neither, clearly you gain superpowers after midnight."

"That would explain my amazing night blogging skills." Charlie said before she went back into her room. Castiel sighed to himself and crept back into Dean's room. Dean himself was lying on his stomach, face pressed into the pillow and limbs spread out almost like a starfish. Lying down next to Dean, Castiel tried to position himself away from the other boy as much as he could back that was fairly difficult on a bed that was only slightly bigger than a single. He must have disturbed Dean when he was positioning himself because Dean groaned and angled himself to face Castiel despite still being asleep, or so Castiel thought.  

"Don't leave ok?" Dean mumbled sleepily and it took a moment for Castiel to actual place what Dean had said.

"What?" Castiel whispered. Dean groaned slightly in his sleep before moving closer to Castiel. His arm fell across Castiel’s chest filling Castiel with warmth even through his t-shirt. Dean’s fingers curled into Castiel’s shirt for a moment which sent a pang of longing down into his stomach. He wasn’t sure if the feeling of worry inking through Castiel’s body was from Dean clinging onto him or Castiel’s own reaction.

"Please don't leave…it feels like you’re always going to leave." Dean mumbled again before letting out a quiet snore as he pressed his face back into the pillow. Castiel couldn’t help but lie there in shock as he watched Dean snore slightly, most of his face now obscured by his pillow. Had Dean meant to ask him not to leave, did Dean know how Castiel had just been trying to sneak out of the house? As Castiel watched Dean slip further back into a deep sleep he realised there wasn’t a lot stopping him from closing the slight space between them and kissing Dean on the lips, it really wouldn’t have taken much to just lean slightly at all. The knowledge that this was the second time in the space of a week that he’d had this thought worried Castiel so much he was sure he probably wouldn’t be slipping back off to sleep anytime soon. He reached into his pocket for his phone and quickly typed out a message to Anna. Even if she was asleep and didn’t read the message until the morning the knowledge that Castiel had text her was comforting enough.

How do you stop something once it’s started but you sort of don’t want to stop the thing because it could be a really good thing but it could also fuck everything up…actually it would fuck everything up. It would fuck everything up completely…so how do you stop it?

Castiel was very surprised when Anna text back after only a minute.

 **Anna: 3:43** - _I swear to God Castiel...how high are you right now?_

_I’m not high. I’m completely sober…why are you awake right now?_

**Anna: 3:45** \- I was finishing my English essay that’s due Monday. You’re talking about the thing between you and Dean aren’t you?

 _Fuck_  Castiel thought to himself. So much for trying to be remotely subtle.

_No_

**Anna: 3:46** \- _Oh my God you are such a liar Castiel Novak. It’s blatantly obvious that you’re talking about you and Dean. Why exactly would it fuck everything up when it is painfully clear that you like him and you went as far to defend him after last week?_

_I wasn’t defending him at all._

**Anna: 3:48** \- _You’re such a terrible liar. Either tell him that you want to do the horizontal tango with him or I’ll probably end up going insane._

_Did you really just write ‘the horizontal tango’?_

**Anna: 3:51** \- _Shut up I’m trying to pass AP English here. Go back to your existential crisis because you like someone and you won’t stop being a dick for long enough to admit it.  Also go to sleep or you will be a cranky shit tomorrow._

This thing between he and Dean really had gone too far if both Anna and Charlie were making remarks about him and Dean. He needed to end this…whatever this was between them before one of them ended up getting hurt. How the hell could he end it without admitting to Dean part of the reasoning behind it? Dean would find out that Castiel might possibly be falling for him, if he hadn’t fallen already and then he would be truly screwed.

He never wanted to run more in his life.

 

\---

After a few hours of semi-interrupted sleep Castiel woke groggy and irritated. His dreams were always so realistic that even when he got more than few hours’ of sleep he still felt tired. His dream the night before had been just as realistic as all his others though a small part of his brain knew that there was no way he would sit on the hood of Dean's car, Dean next to him, in the middle of the woods that backed Castiel's house. There would be no way that he would sit there and just talk to Dean, tell him about his family and especially about his mother. There was no way he would learn over and kiss Dean when he told him everything would be ok.

When Castiel woke his disorientation made it difficult to place where he was until he spotted the familiar leather jacket hung up and the weight of an arm was across Castiel's chest. Glancing down he saw that Dean must have not moved at all during the night as his arm was still across Castiel's chest and his face was mashed against both his pillow and Castiel's shoulder. A deep pang went through Castiel and he longed to stay lying here with Dean for longer. He wanted to stay lying next to Dean, hearing Dean's sleepy breaths and just being content with the intimacy between them but Castiel knew that he couldn't think like that because then he really was admitting something to himself that he'd been trying to deny since Dean had scraped his chair across the floor and sat down next to Castiel in detention;

Castiel needed Dean, he wanted Dean. 

Dean didn’t want Castiel to leave.

Both of them were completely fucked.

Dean mumbled in his sleep and rolled even further towards Castiel. Even though it was completely selfish of him, Castiel just lay there enjoying the weight of Dean resting against him. He'd regret it later but for now Castiel wanted to be selfish and just revel in the closeness and the warmth if another person.

Dean yawned and glanced over at Castiel with surprise for a moment as if he was surprised that Castiel was lying on his bed.

"You stayed." Dean said.

"What?"

"You ok...I said 'You ok?'" Dean said clearly knowing that Castiel had heard him the first time. The relief in Dean's voice when he realised that Castiel was still in his room sent yet more pangs through Castiel's body. Both he and Dean were so far gone it wasn't remotely amusing; nothing was stopping Castiel from closing the space between them and kissing Dean firmly on the lips, running his hands along Dean's arms until he was cradling Dean's face and making sure with each kiss that he was telling Dean how much he needed him. He couldn't though, he needed to run instead. He needed to run as fast as he could away from Dean before Castiel could possibly hurt him.

 

\---

Castiel sipped from a large mug of coffee that Mary had just poured for him and watched as Dean teased Sam over something before Sam grumbled loudly. He tried to stop but after last night it was becoming increasingly difficult to not watch Dean.

 _Don't leave_. Dean had asked him not to leave the night before. The sound of his voice, gruff but tender with sleep was as loud as a gunshot in Castiel's head. He needed to leave, he had to leave because someone would end up getting hurt. That’s how it always ended before and that’s how it would end now, there was no other way it could possibly end.

“Dean! That’s my Pop Tart you bitch!” Sam snapped punching his brother on the arm and pulling Castiel out of his thoughts.

"Dean please leave your poor brother alone." Mary said with a sigh. "If you want to be useful you can take this garbage outside."

"It's Sammy's turn." Dean said ruffling his brother's hair. 

"Dean get off!" Sam cried.

"Stop pouting Samantha and take the garbage out." Dean said with a huge smirk spread across his face. Sam grumbled loudly again as he stomped outside with a full bag of garbage.

"Nice of you to join the land if the living." Dean smirked as Charlie slumped into a kitchen chair and practically clawed at the coffee pot. "What no witty comeback?"

"It's too early to point out you're more a buzzkill than a dementor." Charlie grumbled filling up her mug with coffee. 

"Ouch that hurt." Dean said sarcastically.

“Good it was meant to.” Charlie shot back as she yawned loudly.

“Well that’s what you get for staying up most of the night watching lame TV shows.”

“That’s rich coming from the person who cried when they cancelled Firefly.” Charlie said smirking while Dean glared at her.

“We don’t mention that injustice.” Dean muttered darkly taking the last Pop Tart off Sam’s plate. He offered a grin at Castiel who returned it weakly. Everything about being at the Winchester’s was different than when he was at home. Breakfast on a weekend wasn’t a silent affair filled with awkward silence and dark looks over black coffee. Charlie, Sam and Dean’s sibling fights wouldn’t end up with needing riot police if they were left to escalate and, unlike at the Novak household, they were always overjoyed to see Castiel no matter what. It had taken some time to get used to and the fact that he was getting used to it made Castiel uneasy. When things were good that usually meant that someone would get up and leave. His childhood had been a good one then his mother left, his teen years had been less than perfect but he had pushed through and done well until he had started to feel his passion for everything slowly leave him. He couldn’t let himself become reliant on the feelings the Winchester’s gave him because that too would soon be gone because that was the only thing Castiel had ever known.

_Don’t leave._

_You stayed._

Dean was becoming reliant on Castiel and that wasn’t fair on either of them because Castiel himself had a tendency to run when things became too difficult. He shut down and just ran because that was easier than dealing with the clusterfuck around him. Dean was a good person, a better person than himself Castiel thought, and he deserved so much more than Castiel could give him. He deserved someone that would be there, someone that wouldn’t run.

Dean deserved someone who wasn’t completely broken.

“I best get going; I have homework I’ve been neglecting recently.” Castiel said quickly rising from the kitchen table. This was the truth, he had nearly a month’s worth of Algebra work he needed to do but if he was being perfectly honest he knew the only thing he’d work on would be his art portfolio. Mary and Charlie looked up in surprised but Dean’s face clouded with doubt. “Thank you so much for having me again Mary.”

“It’s fine Castiel, you know you’re welcome over here anytime you want.” Mary said as Castiel gave her a polite smile and hurried out the kitchen.

“Cas! Cas wait up!” Dean called hurrying after him. “What’s up man? Are you ok?” he asked with a worried look on his face. That look only made Castiel feel even more guilty that he’d allowed himself to become friends with Dean…become more if he wanted to and God how he wanted that now that he was finally admitting it to himself.

“Yeah I just have to get back home. I have work to do then I’m meeting up with Anna and Jo at The Roadhouse this afternoon.” Castiel said trying to brush Dean off.

“Oh, are you two going to be playing match maker again with Anna and Inais?” Dean asked clearly trying to lighten the air that had started to feel heavy.

“Hardly.” Castiel shot back. Dean’s eyebrows rose at Castiel’s tone and an affronted look fell across his face. “Dean I have to go.” Castiel said more firmly.

“Cas what’s going on?” Dean asked placing a hand on Castiel’s arm, more importantly on his wrist. Dean’s fingers were wrapped around his wrist, ghosting over the scars that Dean wouldn’t know were there. The sense of heat radiated from the touch, sending warmth up Castiel’s arm and even to the pit of his stomach. Castiel looked down at the hand, feeling the heat from Dean’s skin even through his flannel sleeve. Just seeing Dean’s strong and capable hand wrapped around his wrist made Castiel’s mouth dray and he hated himself for it. “Look Cas…Jo told me…well she told me that you have this thing with blocking people-” Dean started to mumble. Instantly the heat was gone, drained away from Castiel body as if someone had taken a block of ice to Castiel’s chest.

“Jo doesn’t know what she is talking about and I prefer it if you didn’t talk about me behind my back or drag my friends into your gossiping session.” Castiel said as his heartbeat began to quicken. Jo didn’t know much about Castiel, certainly not the stuff Anna knew, but she knew enough. She knew enough to make Dean see just how shitty of a person Castiel’s was.

“Gossiping?” Dean snapped. “I wasn’t gossiping Cas! I was just worried about you after Meg’s party…well before Meg’s party actually and I wanted to know-”

“You have no right to be worried Dean.” Castiel shot back. Dean’s face darkened as he pursed his lips. Castiel tried to stop feeling guilty about making Dean look like that but that was easier said than done. Just knowing his was infuriating Dean made Castiel feel exasperated with both him and with Dean. Dean had no real right to feel or at least look so damn annoyed so was he?

“So we’re back there again? We’re back to how we were the other week? When are you just going to fucking admit that we are friends and that you don’t have to close me off over everything little fucking thing?” Dean practically hissed.

“I am not having this conversation with you in the middle of your hallway Dean; please just let me go home.” Castiel hissed back pulling his arm out of Dean’s grasp and opening the front door. “Please thank your mother again for having me.” Castiel said before slamming the door behind. God, he needed to talk to Anna more than anything in that moment.

 

\---

“Castiel?” Anna said with a baffled look on her face when she opened the door to see Castiel standing there. “I thought we were meeting Jo at three? You’re two hours early…is anything ok?” Anna asked ushering Castiel in to her hallway.

“No, no it’s not.” Castiel admitted and he watched as Anna’s face broke into that of pure concern and love because he never admitted when he wasn’t feeling ok. For him to admit it to Anna then had to be big. Without saying another word Anna pulled him into a hug and guided him upstairs.

“Tell me what’s happened, it’s to do with last night and Dean isn’t it?” Anna asked. Castiel nodded. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t be friends with Dean…I just can’t Anna.”

“Oh Castiel…”

“No Anna…I mean it. I can’t be friends with him. There’s too much good in him and he’s just so fucking loyal, almost to a fault. I’m a shitty person and when I up and run it’s going to break something in him. I don’t want to break someone so much that they turn into me.” Castiel explained. “I should have just told him that first day that we met, I should have told him that we couldn’t be friends but instead I let him in and let us become…become whatever we are…were…whatever we were. I did this and it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault for God’s sake! Why do you always act like this? Why can’t you see that you are a good person and that you deserve people around you? Look at Charlie, look at Jo…Christ look at me! I’ve been there from the very beginning and I’m still here. Would you really be that much of a terrible person if I were still here? I’m still here Castiel and I’m not going anywhere because you’re my best friend…you’re my best friend ok and I’m not going to let you beat yourself up over this.”

“So what the hell am I going to do?” Castiel asked flopping down onto Anna’s bed.

“Talk to Dean?”  Anna offered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Already tired that”

“Did you give him the ‘I’m not a good person’ speech?”

“No…I snapped at him and told him that he had no right to worry about me.”

“I hate that fucking speech.” Anna muttered shaking her head. “You’re an idiot.” She added with a snap. “You’re a fucking idiot.”

Castiel sighed with frustration as he asked “Because I told him that he had no right to worry about me?”

“Yes but I suppose some good as come out of this because at least you’re admitting that you like him.”

“I’m not admitting shit Anna.” Castiel shot back. Anna just pursed her lips in a perfect impression of Naomi and stared Castiel down until he felt his face redden. “I’m still not admitting anything.” He added.

“You are such a child sometimes.” Anna muttered rolling her eyes. “Why can’t you just accept that you like Dean then work out some clinched hare-brained scheme to get him to notice you in the style of a terrible film from the nineties?” she asked

“I really do worry about you sometimes.”

“Answer the question Novak.”

“Which question was that?” Castiel asked feigning innocence.

“Oh for God sake….why can’t you just accept that you and Dean are friends?”

“Because we’re not.”

“Bullshit! You care about him enough to push him away! Either you’re trying to replace me and have Dean as your best friend or you like him! You push away all the people who you love. That is just what you do, so this proves you and Dean are some weird form of friends!” Anna said. “The sooner you admit it the better because it’s starting to get really old. You might even feel better about it all in the end.”


	3. Part Three

_I know what you’re going to ask me about. It was a mistake mentioning Dean in my last session. I can’t talk about him._

_You said you can’t talk about the things you care about because you’re scared they’ll leave. Is that why you won’t talk about Dean?_

_Yes…yes_

Castiel was rapidly falling for Dean Winchester. There was no other way around it. He’d tried as hard as he could to not even find it in him to care for Dean but it had been impossible in the end. There were moments when he was around Dean and he had to physically restrain himself from closing the space between them and telling Dean everything, showing Dean just how much he needed him and that he didn’t want to ever leave. That way of thinking was dangerous though, Castiel knew as much because he didn’t have it in him to have that stability. He wasn’t a calm pond, a light summer’s breeze or a blank piece of paper; no he was a cataclysmic wave, a hurricane force wind and covered in flaws. He didn’t deserve anything that Dean could possibly give him despite that fact that as the days went on Castiel was finding it harder to spend time away from Dean.

He couldn’t allow himself any of that. He couldn’t allow himself to need or want Dean and it was getting harder and harder each and every fucking day.

The only thing he could have done, the only thing he could think of doing really, was to run.  He didn’t ever want to disappoint Dean or hurt him by being exactly who he was, he couldn’t change and he knew that but he could keep Dean at arm’s length again.

 _Don’t leave._ Dean had begged him not to leave but Castiel just couldn’t keep that promise. He knew Dean wouldn’t understand his need to flee when things got rough but he hoped that somehow Dean would find it somewhere in him not to hate Castiel for being pushed any. That was Castiel’s only real hope.

 

\---

Castiel was jogging early on a Tuesday morning three weeks after Dean had asked him not to leave when his phone buzzed. Castiel had been lying awake for hours unable to switch his brain off and drift to sleep. In the end he had become so frustrated that he’d grabbed his running stuff, left a note on his door if anyone came to check on him and gone off jogging down the road. He’d started jogging and running even more, nearly daily, over the past few weeks which not only helped clear his head but also improve his running times. It was as the sun was slowly rising, making the early morning mist that had drifted over from the town’s main lake more prominent, when Castiel stopped jogging. The weak sunlight was trying to filter through the tallest trees and the slight bite in air told Castiel it would be a cool day despite it being spring. He would have to remember to take a thick hoodie to school with him. He slowed down his pace to a quick walk to look down at the screen of his phone while he zipped up his hooded jacket to protect him from the early morning chill.

 **Dean: 5:32 -** _What’s going on Cas?_

That was all the message said but Castiel knew the words behind it. Dean wanted to know why Castiel had changed their conversations in art back to those of casual, almost cold, conversations with no personality behind them. Dean still brought coffee but now he handed it to Castiel silently, clearly not expecting Castiel to say anything to him. Castiel sighed deeply as he looked down at the screen. He couldn’t explain this all to Dean via text message, fuck he couldn’t even explain it all face to face because it was just too difficult and not being able to say that to Dean was killing him inside.

 **Dean: 5:34 –** _If I did something wrong I’d rather you just tell me what I did because I can’t think of what I did. Cas please, I thought we were past this…_

Castiel couldn’t lie, reading Dean’s words hurt because he could feel Dean’s own hurt in them. Dean was also a heavy sleeper at night, Charlie had commented several times that it took all but an earthquake to get Dean out of bed in the mornings, and for him to be awake before eight in the morning meant that he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep because Castiel was doing what he was good at, pushing everyone he’d ever cared about away. It was the one thing he was good at really

 

\---

It just wasn’t possible for Castiel to be friends, or anything else he wanted to be, with Dean. His emotions were already beginning to run too deep, Dean had been beginning to rely on Castiel too much and Castiel had started to become just too familiar with the Winchesters. By sacrificing his friendship with Dean he would also have to sacrifice his friendship with Charlie, something that actually made Castiel’s heart hurt at the thought because sweet, smart and brilliantly funny Charlie deserved so much more.

He tried to stay away from the Winchesters, which meant avoiding the library when he knew either Charlie or Sam would be there. Even though he tried not to Castiel found that he really missed the time he spent with them. Charlie was always on hand with countless film references and was the only person who was allowed to mock Dean’s taste in music and Sam was a great kid who was great to talk to about books. Castiel had lost count of the amount of conversations he’d had with Sam, most of them based around obscure topics because they both seemed to love documentaries on National Geographic. Mary Winchester had welcomed Castiel into her home with open arms and smiles so bright they could lighten anyone’s mood; they were like Dean’s in a way.

Then there was Dean. Dean was…well Dean was Dean.

Slowly cutting ties with the Winchesters was difficult in a way and also painful but it seemed to work quite well for the first week, nearly a month after that night at Dean’s. Avoiding the Winchesters would have been easier if it weren’t for Alistair though.

Alistair was a friend who Meg who, for no better words, creeped the fuck out of Castiel. He didn’t know what it was about the guy but he was sketchy to say the least and he regularly wondered how on earth Meg had even become friends with him. Castiel had actually questioned Meg on this once or twice when Alistair had done something particularly skeevy or fucked up. She hadn’t really given a reason as to how or why she was friends with Alistair which made Castiel question Meg’s sanity and that wasn’t for the first time either.

 Alistair’s victims tended to be of the small, nerdy or female variety so if you were all three then you were pretty a sitting target for Alistair’s personal brand of taunting, mind games and general douchebaggery.

It was nearing the end of lunch, Castiel had left Anna in the graphics department talking to Jo and he was on his way to his locker when he spotted Charlie sitting on a bench by herself eating lunch. Her head was bent, her fringe pulled off her face with randomly placed barrette, as she concentrated on both eating a sandwich and reading the book placed on her lap. Part of Castiel wanted to walk over to Charlie, apologise to her for not really speaking to her over the past few weeks and tell her to join him tomorrow at lunch but that would mean dragging Charlie back into his life and she was better off without him really. Castiel was about to jog of towards his locker but that was when he spotted Alistair and a few of his lecherous friends making their way over towards where Charlie was sat. Meg wasn’t with them which pleased Castiel for a second before he saw Alistair say something to Charlie. It was clear that Charlie didn’t appreciate Alistair speaking to her from the way her body was hunched in on itself. When Alistair smirked and said something Castiel could not hear to Charlie which made her face nearly crumple Castiel felt the last bit of willpower he had in him disintegrate because Charlie was the last person Alistair should ever insult or upset. Castiel walked over and didn’t stop until he was right next to Charlie. Charlie looked up at him, her face flashing with surprise but Castiel could still the ghost of forming tears in her eyes. Castiel motioned for her to stand up and Charlie did just that, cramming her things back into her bag as she did so.

"Leave her alone Alistair." Castiel hissed moving Charlie slightly out of the way as he glared over at Alistair. 

"Cas it's fine I can-" Charlie tried to say but a sob got caught in her throat. Castiel knew Charlie could take care of herself, she worshiped enough female superheroes and fictional characters to not let anyone walk all over her; in this state however Castiel wasn't going to leave her by herself. 

"Yeah 'Cas', she can take care of herself so just walk along." Alistair sneered in that haunting voice of his.

"Alistair I mean it, leave her alone." Castiel said.

"Or what? What are you going to do Novak? You don't scare me at all. You might be friends with Meg but don't think for a second that I won't hesitate kicking the living shit out of you." Alistair said in a mock friendly tone which made his words even more powerful.

"Yes because I'm sure my brothers would love to know how and why you kicked 'the living shit' out of me." Castiel said. Alistair blanched at the mention of Castiel’s brothers. Both Luke and Michael still held reputations in the school despite having let nearly ten years before. While Michael was loved by the overachieving Advanced Placement types Luke still held much admiration from the people Anna called the ‘Meg Set’. While Alistair looked shaken by the mention of Castiel’s brother he didn’t stop smirking, he was clearly trying to prove he still had the upper hand.

“Just run away Novak” Alistair said still with the sneer on his face. “Run away just like everyone else in your family. Run away like mommy.” Alistair snarled his sneer widening as he did so. As Castiel stared at Alistair’s sneering face he could feel his blood rapidly between to boil in his veins. His vision practically swam with rage as his hand balled up into a fist.

Without even thinking about it Castiel punched Alistair as hard as he could, his fist connecting with Alistair's jaw sending jolts of pain through Castiel's hand. Alistair dropped to the floor, his face connecting with the concrete floor. “If you ever come near Charlie Winchester or mention my mother again I will take great delight in beating you senseless.” He snarled. He didn’t realise that his hand was shaking until Charlie gripped onto it to try and pull him away.

“Cas please stop, please.” Charlie begged. Alistair pulled himself up off the ground and glared at Castiel with a look of loathing. “Cas please” Charlie said until she was pushed away by Alistair so he could hit Castiel square in the face. He felt his lip split as Alistair’s fist connected with his mouth and pain burst from the backs of his eyes.

“What the hell is going on here?” a voice rang out as Alistair threw another punch to Castiel’s face. Ringing filled Castiel’s head and he could vaguely hear Charlie shouting something before a hand grabbed a hold of his arm and dragged back towards the school.

 

\---

There were moments in his life when Castiel wondered how he’d gotten himself into various situations. Being sat in the school office with two pieces of tissue shoved up his nose to stop the flow of blood was one of those times. He’d been dragged into the office, handed tissues so he could clean himself up then he’d been informed that the office would be ringing home so he better use the time to ‘think about what he had done’. As far as Castiel knew Alistair was in the principal’s office and was hopefully being suspended, expelled or yelled at until the principal’s voice turned hoarse.

He sat shaking slightly at the thought that the school had rung home because either his father or Michael could be on their way here. No doubt both of them would give him hour long lectures on fighting and how he was a disgrace on the family. 

"I'm here for Castiel Novak" someone said from the reception area. Castiel looked up in surprise because it wasn't his father, Gabriel or Michael; it was Luke of all people.

"Luke?" Castiel said gaping as his brother strode over to him. "What are you doing here?” he asked.

"Sorting shit out so Dad and Michael don't kill you. I was at home when the school left a message; I deleted it before Dad or Michael could hear and came right here."

"Why?" Castiel asked because Luke was the last person he would have expected to come and get him.

"Why do you think you dick? You're my brother and you were caught fighting. I know Dad expected this from me when I was here but you...you're the good kid and he’d shit himself hearing about this." Luke said rolling his eyes.

"I was the good kid." Castiel corrected.

"Bullshit, you still are the good kid and I don't want Dad giving you shit over this. Why did you punch that dickish kid in the first place?" Luke asked.

"Cas!" A voice called from across the room causing Castiel to turn around and forget that he was talking to Luke. Both Dean and Sam were striding across the room until they were right in front of Castiel. Dean looked furious, really furious. "What the fuck happened? I got yanked out of auto shop by someone saying that Charlie had been in a fight or something like that and you were involved. Is she ok, what the fuck happened to her?” Dean asked as his voice rapidly raised until he was nearly shouting.

"Wait this was over a _girl_? Fuck sake Castiel..." Luke muttered. Dean’s head whipped round the Luke and glared at him.

“Hey dude that’s my sister you’re talking about there so back off.” Dean snapped.

“Dean don’t.” Sam said warningly as he looked Luke up and down. Luke looked at Dean and probably saw what most other people saw, a seventeen year old in a beaten up leather jacket and ripped jeans that screamed _trouble_. They would know about Dean’s love of art or the seer look of pride he would get on his face when his mother said something sweet about him. Castiel wasn’t supposed to be thinking like that though, if he knew what was good for him would be looking at Dean in the exact same way that Luke was but he couldn’t find it in his heart to do that.

“No Sam, I want to know what the fuck has happened.” Dean snapped looking between both Luke and Castiel. The harsh look in Dean’s eyes made Castiel drop his head and attempt to look anywhere but at Dean. “Cas, what happened? Don’t give me any bullshit either, I want to know.” Dean said still sounding furious. Castiel looked back up and saw that the fury might have been in Dean’s voice but it certainly wasn’t in the pleading look he was now giving Castiel.

"Some of Meg's friends were picking on Charlie and she could have handled it herself but she looked really upset so I tried to help out.” Castiel explained. Dean frowned at Meg’s name and his mouth became a hard line. “Meg wasn’t involved so please don’t take it out on her.” Castiel said quickly.

"You tried to help? You punched a kid in the face Castiel!" Luke said.

"You _punched_ someone?!" Dean asked. "What the _hell_ did they do to Charlie? Where is she?" Dean asked looking around the room as if to find Charlie. The blind panic in his eyes made Castiel’s heart actually ache because Dean was such a damn good brother it was unreal.

"They didn't do anything to Charlie so don’t worry, she's ok but just a bit shaken. She's sat in the nurse’s room with hot chocolate and tissues." Castiel said quickly because the possessive and protective tone in Dean's voice made it clear that Castiel couldn't bullshit his way out of what had happened.

"That doesn't explain why you punched a kid Castiel." Luke pointed out. "I mean I'm proud and everything because when we were kids you couldn't punch to save your life."

"It was nothing-"

"Bullshit.” Luke snapped. “Tell me what happened.” Castiel looked at Luke’s determined face, the same determined face he saw on both his father and Michael, and just like with Dean he knew that he couldn’t bullshit his way out of this.

"Alistair said something about Mom ok? He tried to say something about her so I punched him." Castiel said and Luke's face darkened. "I know I shouldn't have done it but he pissed me off by being mean to Charlie and then that just made me see red. I can apologise to him but for that moment I just needed him to shut up, I couldn’t hear him say anything about Mom…"

“The kid said something about Mom?” Luke said between his teeth. Castiel simply nodded. Luke spun where he stood as if he was looking for an exit strategy to go and find Alistair so he could kick the shit out of the kid. “You punched him really hard right?” Luke asked. Castiel nodded once again. “Good. You should have punched him again just for good measure.” Luke added murderously. Sam raised an eyebrow and looked over at Dean who just shook his head as if to say that now wasn’t the right time to ask questions about Castiel’s mother.

“Mr Novak?” the receptionist asked looking over to where Castiel, Luke, Dean and Sam were stood. “Mr Novak, the principal wants to see you.”

“Well this is going to be fun; the guy hated me when I was here.” Luke muttered. “Stay here.” He added towards Castiel before he walked off in the general direction of the principal’s office. Dean looked like he was about to say something until a familiar voice could be heard calling down the hallway.

"Dean! Sam! I would have gotten here sooner but work was a pain and I couldn’t get away soon enough, I’m here now though! The school said that Charlie was involved in a fight of all things. What happened?" Mary cried hurrying over to where they were all stood. "Oh my God, Castiel! What on earth happened to your face?!" Mary then cried when she saw Castiel's split lip. 

"Rescuing the damsel in distress." Castiel said. "Charlie wasn't in a fight Mrs Winchester, some people were picking on her and I tried to stop them." He explained. “Charlie’s fine, she’s a bit shaken but apart from that she’s perfectly fine.”

"Your face is like that because you were looking out for Charlie?" Mary asked as her eyes grew wide. Castiel nodded. Before he knew what was happening Mary had pulled him into a firm hug that could have easily crushed some internal organs and snapped bones. 

"Mom...mom I think you're suffocating him." Castiel heard Sam mutter after a moment. “Mom…mom you’re definitely suffocating him.” Sam said. Mary pulled away, her face flushed, and gave Castiel one of those rare smiles that could easily light up the whole room and make a lasting impression upon all those who were there to witness it.

“I’m going to check up on Charlie, to see if she’s ok, but I really want you to know how grateful I am that you were there to look out for her Castiel. You’re a wonderful friend.” Mary said giving Castiel’s arm a tight squeeze. He really wasn’t that good of a friend but it seemed as though Mary would disagree with him for a long time.

“Um…thank you Mary.” Castiel said. Mary gave his arm another quick squeeze before motioning for Sam to join her, leaving Dean and Castiel alone in the office.  

 

\---

"Get on home Castiel; I still need to sort things out with your principal before Dad hears about this." Luke said once he’d walked out the principal’s office. Luke had his flaws but in that moment he was trying as hard as he could to protect Castiel, to clean up Castiel’s mess and it was exactly what Castiel needed even if he didn’t really realise it. Luke wouldn’t fully understand how grateful Castiel was but hopefully he would get the gist of it. He shot his second eldest brother an appreciative smile and before Castiel made to get his phone out his pocket to see whereabouts Anna was; a hand on his wrist stopped him. 

"I’ll drive you back home." Dean said in a firm voice that made it seem like Castiel had no choice in the matter. He probably didn't actually. "Mom is driving Sammy and Charlie back to our house and I'm taking you home" Dean added. 

Castiel quickly protested "I can walk-"

"I'm driving you home Cas, end of. Come on." Dean said in a tone that made it clear that Dean was driving Castiel home either alive or in a body bag, there was no other options. Castiel tried to dig his heels into the floor but Dean’s glare obviously meant he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Castiel mutter several choice words under his breath as he pulled his messenger bag over his shoulder. Dean shouldered his own rucksack and led Castiel out the office towards the student parking lot making Castiel feel very much like a small child which he did not remotely appreciate.

“I can get the bus-”

“Don’t even bother trying to finish that sentence Cas.” Dean said marching over to his car. "Get in" he then snapped pointing at the passenger’s seat. Castiel stared him down, almost challenging him to give up on whatever plan was going through his head. "Cas I swear to God that if you don't get in this car right now I will fucking make you." Dean added. With a sigh Castiel climbed into the passenger seat. The Impala roared into life but as soon as the stereo started up Dean shut it off filling the car with a heavy silence.

They had been driving for maybe five minutes when Dean finally spoke up. "Look I'm glad you stood up for Charlie and all, she might not be my biological sister but she's still my family and I love her just as much as I love Sammy, but I just don’t understand what is going on.” Dean said.

“With what exactly?”

“Don’t play dumb Cas, you know exactly what I mean. I don’t understand what is going on with…well, us. I thought we’d sorted things out the other week but you’ve gone back to ignoring me and the only way I’ve been able to get more than a few words out of you is because you punched someone in the face defending Charlie. So what the hell is going on?” Dean asked.

“Nothing, nothing is going on Dean.” Castiel said trying to shrug his shoulders in a nonchalant way but Dean snorted loudly rendering Castiel’s action not remotely casual.

“Oh fucking hell. Will you just cut the bullshit already? There is something going on and I want to know what it is because I really did think we were friends until you went back to treating me like I was fucking invisible half the time. I really don’t get how you can treat people like this and not have it affect you.”

“Dean-”

“Do you enjoy being this much of an asshole all the goddamn freaking time? Do you really get off from treating everyone around you like utter shit? Because if so then you’re really not the guy that I thought you were.” Dean snapped gripping onto the steering wheel of the Impala so hard it looked like his knuckles would rip through his skin.

“Dean-”

“I just cannot understand why you’re acting like such a dick especially when I thought that we were friends but clearly you’re just some asshole who-”

“Dean just stop. Stop it right now.” Castiel growled.

“Or what?” Dean asked cocking an eyebrow clearly enjoying that he was finally getting a rise out of Castiel. “What exactly are you going to do if I don’t stop? Punch me? Yell at me? What Cas, what?”

“Dean I mean it, just stop right now.”

“Why? Because you might actually acknowledge me for once instead of acting like I’m not even there? Because you might actually do _something_?” Dean asked raising his voice with each word until he was shouting. _Yes Dean, I would end up doing something and that something would be kissing you._ Castiel thought to himself because even with all the anger he was feeling he couldn’t stop himself from wanting to just crush his lips against Dean’s so he could just forget everything around him. _That something would be telling you that I’m so scared of us being friends because I’m slowly starting to find myself not wanting to think of a time in which you won’t be there._

“Stop the car Dean.” Castiel practically snarled as his breath began to hitch in his throat. His inner monologue was battling between telling Dean to go and fuck himself or telling Dean that he couldn’t imagine being without him. It was not a pretty battle.

“What?” Dean asked looking baffled.

“I said stop the fucking car, I can walk the rest of the way home.” Castiel snapped because there was no air in the Impala and he could feel himself slowly begin to suffocate with the absolutely desperate want driving him. He couldn’t explain it at all but he needed to get out the car before he said something he would regret or before he did something that he would regret.

“No, I said I’m driving you home and I want answers so I’m not stopping the car.” Dean shot back.

“I will get out while you drive if you do not stop the car.” Castiel threatened but Dean just laughed.

“Yeah? I’d like to see you try Cas, I’d really like to see you try.” Dean said.

“You’re a fucking asshole.” Castiel snapped.

“Yeah well so are you.” Dean shot back. Castiel tried to think of some comeback but he saw that there were nearing his street. While Dean was distracted by smirking to himself over seemingly silencing him Castiel unlocked the door to the Impala and jumped out, thankful that Dean had slowed down in order to turn into Castiel’s street. Castiel slammed the door as hard as he could and started walking down his street. “What the fuck Cas? Get back in the damn car you dick!” he heard Dean yell. The Impala swiftly drove up beside him.

“Dean just go away.” Castiel snapped quickening his pace until he was at a near jog. He heard Dean groaned loudly and he took off in the Impala. Relief surged through Castiel until he realised that Dean had parked on his driveway and was now climbing out the car to glare at Castiel.

“What the actual fuck was that?” Dean yelled as Castiel drew closer to him. “Are you insane?”

“I told you to stop the car.” Castiel snapped walking past Dean and fumbling in his pocket for his keys.

“You _are_ insane.” Dean said as he followed Castiel into the house.

“Dean just go away, you’ve driven me home so you can just go home now.” Castiel said as he made his way into the kitchen and threw his bag down.

"I'm not leaving until we've talked Cas." Dean said firmly. He was such a suborn asshole…

"Fine then, settle yourself in for the night" Castiel with a voice full of bite. He walked over the coffee machine and switched it on into life. He made himself and Dean a coffee even though Dean hadn't asked for one and Castiel really wasn’t sure why he did it. He slid the mug towards Dean without a word then walked out the kitchen. He was not remotely surprised to hear Dean following him. 

"Ok seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Dean called as he followed Castiel up the stairs towards his bedroom. "You act like you can't stand me half the time then other times it’s like we're…like we’re…friends or whatever. You ignore me for days but will happily talk to Charlie about even the most trivial of things and I’m just so fucking tired of not know where the hell we stand with one another" By this time they had reached Castiel's bedroom which Dean had never actually stepped foot in. Castiel wasn't too fussed what Dean thought of his room which was littered with art supplies, albums, clothes and books. "Cas...Cas can we please just...just...”

"Can we please just _what_ Dean?" Castiel asked. “What exactly do you want from me?”

"Can we just talk? I don't understand what's going on because really you're like a completely different person half the time and I really don't get it." Dean said. "You're round our house and acting like you don't have a care in the world then the next moment you're blanking me, acting like a total dick and trying to be more badass than you are."

"Oh _really_?" Castiel asked with a voice dripping in sarcasm. 

"Yes so shut the fuck up and stop being so damn sarcastic for once." Dean snapped. “Why can’t you just tell me what is going on and why you’re acting like this?” Dean asked as the anger from his voice ebbed away.

“Dean you really wouldn’t understand.” Castiel said.

“How would you know that I wouldn’t understand if you don’t just tell me?” Dean asked. He didn’t sound remotely angry, he just sounded concerned which made what he said even more difficult for Castiel to hear.

“Because most people don’t understand, ok? Apart from maybe Anna and Gabriel no one really understands so don’t pretend that you would be any different because you wouldn’t be.” Castiel said turning away so he wouldn’t have to look at Dean’s open and questioning face anymore. Dean sighed loudly and reached out for Castiel’s wrist to make him turn back round. Castiel ripped his wrist from Dean’s hand and felt his breath hitch.

“Cas?”

“Why can’t you just go? Why can’t you just leave me alone Dean?” Castiel snapped. Dean took a step backwards, his eyes darkening at the resentment in Castiel’s voice.

“Because I’m just going to leave you here and act like your constant mood swings don’t piss me the hell off! Because even though you’re a total asshole I might actually think of us as friends and I might care about you.” Dean snapped back just a fiercely. “Why can’t you just fucking see that already? Are you blind or something?”

“Dean you just don’t understand ok? You couldn’t understand!”

“Fucking hell Cas! Make me understand then!” Dean yelled. “Make me fucking understand!” Castiel stood his ground despite Dean’s yells, his breath now shallow as Dean continued to glare at him with a look of pure and desperate fury.

“Dean-”

“Make me understand Cas. _Make me_.” Dean said his voice breaking on the last two words which sent a jolt of pain through Castiel’s stomach. Dean’s look had changed from that of fury to that of imploring need. With a small and strangled sigh Castiel braced himself for a moment before he slowly rolled up his flannel shirt. The pale scars that marked his skin seemed to be so prominent now that Castiel was showing them to Dean. His heart actually hammered against his chest because these weren’t just small scars from falling off a bike when he was seven or something like that. The scars were remnants from a period of Castiel’s life that he despised with every fibre of his being. The scars showed Dean that Castiel was a broken person that hadn’t been able to cope with an illness that slowly infected his mind and very nearly ruined his life. “Cas…” Dean breathed out as he stared at the ghostly pale scars that feathered across Castiel’s arm. Castiel had been so determined on looking at Dean’s face for signs of revulsion that he hadn’t noticed that Dean had moved closer to him until he felt the cool touch of Dean’s fingers on his skin. With a shaky exhale he looked down to see Dean’s fingers, which were slightly trembling, placed ever so gently on Castiel’s skin.

Dean's fingers ran feather light touches along Castiel's arm; the feel of Dean's fingers on his skin caused an eruption of goose bumps along his arms and a desperate need for intimacy pooled deep within Castiel’s chest. It had been so long since someone had touched him like that, Castiel almost craved for the cool touch of Dean's fingers along his skin.

Dean would stop every now and then to run a finger along the white lines of scars that littered Castiel's arm like a road map until he came to the most prominent one that ran down Castiel's wrist. It was violently white, slightly raised, and it was one of the main reasons why Castiel wore long sleeves all of the time. Dean stopped and rested two fingers on the scar; his breathing became heavy and he looked up at Castiel with searching eyes.

"What did you...how did it happen?" Dean asked quietly. Castiel looked away and wanted to rip his wrist away from Dean's touch but he felt a hand enclose around his wrist. He looked down to see Dean gently holding on, anchoring Castiel so he would not run. So he would not flee. "Cas?" Dean asked in a quiet and gentle voice that still managed to resonate deep within Castiel's body. "Talk to me...please" Dean beseeched with a hoarse voice.

“I…it…Dean _please_ …” Castiel tried to say but his words, the thoughts jumbled up in his brain, wouldn’t come out. “I can’t…I can’t talk about it.” He stuttered. He wanted to, God he wanted to tell Dean everything so badly just so he would feel less heavy, but Dean might run. He might realise that Castiel was just too broken for him to be around and Castiel would lose him completely. He would lose the friendship that he’d been trying so hard to push away and deep down that wasn’t what he wanted at all. . “You…you might run” Castiel nearly whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere Cas.” Dean said.

"Kitchen knife. It was a kitchen knife." Castiel stuttered out in a small voice. "It was such a cliché really. I didn't mean...I got carried away. My brother found me and called an ambulance." Castiel explained as he closed his eyes and briefly remembered hearing Gabriel's panicked yells to Michael when he had found Castiel dipping in and out of consciousness. His wrists raw and bloody. He hadn't meant to cut so deep, he hadn't meant for the blood to flow so freely. He had had just gotten carried away with the feeling of escape that had run through him when the cold steel had met his flesh. It wasn't a cry for attention, which was what Michael had said, it was just...Castiel was just trying to escape and yet no one seemed to understand that apart from Anna. She was the one that had made him feel less hopeless and Castiel wasn't sure what he would have done without her. 

Castiel opened his eyes when he felt a thumb slowly run over to scar. Dean was looking down at Castiel's slender wrist not with disgust or pity like others but with a composed look, it was almost as if he was simply observing the change in colour of where the pale scar ran down Castiel's wrist clashing with the tanned skin.

"How long has it been...since you last did this?" Dean asked running his thumb over the scar again. Castiel's heart began to race with nervous terror. This was dangerous territory; outside of therapy Castiel only ever spoke to Anna about this and that was only because she had been his best friend since he was five years old and she had moved in the house across the street with her parents and her two sisters Rachel and Naomi. Castiel never talked about this to anyone but Anna and his family knew better than to bring it up in any conversation. "Cas...please tell me...I...I don't want to worry about you." Dean said. 

"You don't need to worry about me Dean." Castiel said brushing Dean's hand away from his wrist.

"We're friends Cas, I have a right to worry about my friends." Dean said firmly. 

"I didn't realise that we were friends." Castiel said bluntly. When he really thought about it what was Dean? Castiel was too brash and harsh to let Dean become his friend, he could handle then being something less than friends so hearing Dean refer to them as being friends made Castiel nervous. He didn't do well with friends apart from Anna and maybe Charlie. Anna always said she was his voice of reason and Charlie…well Charlie was bright and funny with her endless culture references and different way of looking at life. She was one of the sweetest people he'd known and it was clear from today that he would do anything for her. Being friends with them was easy but being with friends Dean something Castiel doubted would work. It wasn't possible to have the thoughts Castiel had been having and still just be friends with someone. Wanting the physical contact, needing the physical contact, meant they couldn’t just be friends and Castiel didn’t think he could live with ever just being friends with Dean.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't think...if I didn't hope we were friends Cas." Dean said pointedly and a flush of warmth slowly crept up Castiel's neck. This wasn't right, Castiel was supposed to be cold towards nearly everyone and carry on through life until it ended. He wasn't supposed to have someone truly care about what happened to him.

"I'm not a good friend." Castiel almost whispered and hating how his voice caught on the last word. Dean’s brow furrowed as he shook his head, clearly disagreeing with what Castiel was saying. "I won't be a very good friend either...I fuck things up too much Dean. I fuck everything up in the end and there’s nothing I can do about it."

"You seem to be a good friend to Charlie at the moment, I mean...you're a good friend Cas. I just worry about you, that’s all." Dean said and once again his fingers traced along the small scars on Castiel's wrist. "I worry about you." He added as his voice dipped until it was nothing more than a hoarse whisper very much like Castiel’s. Every single thought in Castiel's head was telling him that he needed to get out of the room; he needed to be as far away from Dean as possible because all Castiel wanted to do was kiss Dean on the lips as hard as he could and never let him go because Dean cared about him, he cared for Castiel and made him feel so damn alive it was terrifying.

"Why?” Castiel finally let out. “Why should you worry about me?"

"Because it never feels like you're really here? It feels like you might run at any moment?” Dean offered. “Honestly, what do you want me to say here Cas?" Dean asked. 

"I don't know...I don't care what you say." Castiel lied and he expected Dean's face to fall but instead his face was full of steely determination that made Castiel knot his brow in surprise. 

"You don't care what I say? Fine, I'm done with trying to get you to listen to me" Dean said grabbing onto Castiel's wrist which sent a jolt of either terror or desire, Castiel really wasn't sure, through his body as Dean’s fingers were resting on his pulse points. Dean wasn’t stupid, not by any means, so he would have to know that the simplest of touches was making Castiel’s pulse quicken. “I’m done with hoping that something I say might get through to you. I’m done with hoping that you might see what is in front of you without it having to be spelt out.” Still holding onto Castiel’s wrists Dean slowly backed Castiel up until Castiel hit the edge of his bed and sunk down until he was sitting on the edge of the mattress. Castiel’s heart hammered in his chest as Dean knelt down, still holding onto Castiel’s wrists, in front of Castiel with eyes full of so many emotions and questions Castiel could have easily become lost in them.

As Castiel closed his eyes he fully understood that there was no going back from this, no going back from whatever happened next. Whatever happened would change everything.

It took a moment to realise that Dean was gently kissing each and every scar on his arms, light kisses that tingled in the best way, and Castiel ripped his eyes open as a sigh became caught in his throat. When Dean came to the most prominent scar, the kitchen knife scar, he ran a thumb over it carefully before kissing it then moving back to work light kisses up Castiel's chest until he came to Castiel jaw. 

Dean's lips came up to Castiel's with what felt like hungry purpose, a hunger that matched Castiel's own with frightening similarity. When Dean's tongue gently pushed against his own, Castiel opened his mouth welcoming the taste of Dean; a mix of coffee, cigarette smoke, spearmint gum and a tangy taste that was just...well _Dean_. It was terrifyingly intoxicating and Castiel just wanted to drown in it.

When he really thought about it Castiel was a storm. He was a violent, uncontrollable storm that ripped through life leaving havoc and destruction in its wake but Dean was like a natural force that calmed the storm inside of Castiel. Dean was a safe place in the midst of a hurricane. His words, his touches and his presence lessened the power of the storm raging inside of Castiel's head. Dean was the one that could pull Castiel back from the deep thunder, the paralysing lightening that surged through Castiel's brain and the constant crash of deep ocean blue that threatened to consume Castiel if he was not careful. 

How had any of this been possible? How had Castiel become so reliant on a leather clad wandering loner of all people to help bring him back from the precipice and what would happen if Dean was no longer there to hold him back? What would happen when Dean realised that Castiel was too broken to be fixed and ran? He was so used to pushing people away, so used to running from people, that he’d never stopped to think about what would happen if someone else were to see the real him and run. How would Castiel be able to come back from that?

"Dean…Dean… _Dean stop_." Castiel said pushing Dean away and breathing in heavily. A crushing weight was pressing against Castiel's chest and everything inside of him was telling him that this was both the right and wrong thing to do. Inside he was ripping in half in the most violent way possible; one half of him needed to be as far away from Dean as possible but the other half was desperate to never leave, desperate to keep clinging to those tiny fragments of joy between them because those tiny fragments showed Castiel he could feel genuine happiness and something almost akin to love.

"Shit...did I do something wrong?" Dean asked as his brow furrowed. "Cas I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't have done that.” Dean muttered shaking his head furiously. “I'd been thinking about it but I should have never done it. It's not-" Dean started to babble and Castiel could see in Dean’s eyes that he was rapidly becoming nervous of the situation and that was all because he thought that he’d been wrong to do the one thing Castiel had been desperate to do since Meg’s party.

"Dean stop, just listen to me. You didn't do anything wrong." Castiel said. "I just…I just _can't_ do this right now, I can't." As soon as he said those words Castiel felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach because it was true, he couldn’t be with Dean at the moment, and he hated himself because of it. He hated himself for feeling so lost that he was unable to be happy with someone, especially Dean.

"Cas...if I did something wrong, if I mistook something then can't you just tell me? I don't want you thinking I'm some douchebag because I misread whatever this is between us." Dean said. 

"You didn't do anything wrong Dean. It's me, it's all me” Castiel said. “It’s always me." He added bitterly. "I shouldn't...I shouldn't have responded when you kissed me...I shouldn't...it wasn't right because I can't do this, I can't be _this_..." he tried to explain but he knew he was doing a piss poor job of it. It wasn’t really possible for him to explain exactly why he couldn’t be with Dean and part of him wondered if his reasons were actually genuine. What if it was all in his head and he’d managed to convince himself that he wasn’t worthy of having someone want him? That thought scared him more than the fact that he was actively pushing Dean away more than he ever had before.

"Cas…I really don’t understand what you mean by that." Dean said looking so bewildered it was painful to witness. “You can’t believe that everything is your fault Cas.”

"Dean please just _listen._ You're a much better person than I am and you deserve a lot more than…well than me.” Castiel said looking from Dean’s confused and hurt looks “I can't be what you deserve. I just can’t be."

"For fuck sake Cas, you're a better person than you think you are and you need to stop beating yourself up over it man. I get it, I really do but-"

"Dean you really don't understand."

"Fucking hell Cas, I’ve told you to make me understand! Make me understand!" Dean snapped.

"It's not that easy!" Castiel said pushing Dean away from him and rising from where he was sat on his bed while Dean quickly whirled up from his kneeled position.

"I'm trying here Cas ok! I am really trying but you don't make it any easier by being a giant asshole most of the time." Dean quickly shot at Castiel.

"You think I give a shit what you think of me?" Castiel asked. "I really couldn't care less what you think or say ok? I don't even know why you're here." Castiel added. He didn't need this; he didn't need Dean's conceptions of him at the moment because he had enough shit going on in his life as it was. 

"You really don't? You _really_ don't understand why I'm here even though I just _kissed_ you?" Dean asked with a voice drenched in disbelief.

"No Dean, I really don't." Castiel lied because saying that was easier than explaining his real reason behind pushing Dean away. “Maybe you should just go Dean” he said sighing deeply.

“What?” Dean asked with outrage before his face began to crumple. “Cas don’t do this…please don’t.” he added weakly. The desperation in his voice pained Castiel so much but this was for Dean’s own good and one day he would understand that. He had to understand that.

“I said ‘Maybe you should just go’. Are you deaf or something?” Castiel said breathing deeply as he tried to stop the tears he could feel whelming up. His chest was becoming incredibly tight and he needed Dean to leave before he did something incredibly stupid like beg him to stay and tell him that he needed him.

“Are you kidding me? You’re seriously going to do this right now?” Dean asked.

“Yes, please just get out my room Dean.” Castiel said turning away from Dean and closing his eyes because he was sure he was making the biggest mistake of his life right now. He did not open his eyes again until he heard his bedroom door slam shut leaving Castiel completely alone.

 

\---

Castiel needed to run; he needed to get out his room and away from what had just happened because otherwise Castiel would drown completely in the words exchanged between him and Dean. If he stayed in his room any longer Castiel wasn’t sure what he would do and that terrified him. He couldn’t slip up; he couldn’t relapse after he’d been recovering, somewhat with difficulty, over the past months.

Changing quickly into his running clothes and his trainers Castiel grabbed his iPod and hurried to the kitchen to pull a bottle of water out of the fridge. He left a note on the kitchen table for whoever came home first and swiftly went out the back door and along the small path that led out his garden towards the twisting roads and woods by his house. A fine rain had started while he had been inside with Dean but that didn't matter, Castiel had run in thunderstorms before without any care so fine drizzle wouldn't harm him. 

As his picked up his pace the song playing on his iPod changed. Without even getting to the second line of the first verse Castiel changed the song, he wasn't about to run to one of Dean's favourite songs. Dean. Dean who had kissed him. Dean who cared about him and worried about him. Dean who Castiel had thrown out of his room because he was too much of a coward to let Dean know his feelings. Castiel laughed bitterly at that thought; he would always be a coward in that aspect because he had been perfectly content with hiding what he felt for the other boys for as long as possible because they actually scared him. Feelings were for people who weren't strung out on anti-depressants most days. That sounded harsh, cruel almost, but Castiel knew it was true. Feelings were for people who actually planned their lives and cared about themselves. Feelings weren't for hopeless fuck ups like himself. 

He cursed himself for getting close to Dean but most of all he cursed himself for not seeing whatever it was that Dean felt for him; then again Dean hadn't made it known to him and maybe Castiel had kept Dean at a close enough distance for him not to see what Dean had been feeling.   
  
The deep woods around him were quiet, the only really noise coming from Castiel's feet crushing leaves beneath him as he ran. These woods ran behind Castiel's house along with countless other properties including, Castiel realised with a pang, the Winchester's property. He tried not to but he could help picturing Dean driving home, classic rock pouring out the stereo, until he came home probably still confused and angry by Castiel's actions. No, he had to stop thinking about what had happened between he and Dean otherwise he wouldn't be able to stop running until he was about to physically drop. Castiel was good at locking things away and that was just what he would have to do now, it was better for everyone in the long run.

The thing was that it might have been better but it wasn't what Castiel wanted at all. Those brief minutes with Dean had been enough to make him feel feel completely alive, something that he hadn't felt in months no matter what he tried. He could pretend that he hadn't felt something, everything really, but he just couldn't and that was going to be the biggest problem of all. 

His muscles burnt as he ran but he knew if he stopped then everything would come crashing over him like a violent wave. Castiel had to keep running but the pain in his side, the burn of his legs made that almost impossible. He wasn't sure if the hurt in his chest was because of how fast he was running or if it was because if what had happened between him and Dean. He'd ruined everything by telling Dean to leave; he'd ruined that tiny friendship that might have been forming

 

\---

By the time he made it back home Castiel wasn’t too surprised to see Anna’s car parked outside. Once inside the house he heard faint voices coming from the kitchen which soon turned out to be Anna and Luke’s. Anna was sat at the kitchen table drinking a large mug of what smelt like coffee while Luke was chopping an assortment of vegetables. Anna raised an eyebrow at Castiel as he walked into the kitchen and even without looking at him Luke pointed to his feet.

“Shoes.” He said. There had always been a rule that there was to be no muddy shoes in the kitchen. They’d had that rule even when their mother still lived in the Novak household and she gradually got sick of Michael always traipsing in mud after his junior league football games. Castiel kicked off his muddy running shoes and quickly stored them in the closet before turning back towards Anna and Luke. “So…” Luke said putting the chopping knife down, placing the vegetables into a large casserole dish and turning to look at Castiel.

“So what?” Castiel asked indifferently.  Luke rolled his eyes heavily and even sighed.

“I talked to the school and I somehow managed to get them to agree not to suspend you. I reminded them that there’s a track competition coming up and without you it’s highly likely they won’t get half as many ribbons, medals or whatever it is that you win for them. They’ve agreed to you serving two weeks’ worth of detentions, there are no exceptions so you can’t start shooting your mouth off over it. They wanted you to apologise to Alistair but I made it clear you weren’t going to go anywhere near that little shit or apologising seeing as it was the dick’s fault in the first place.” Luke explained.

“Um…thanks Luke.” Castiel said and he was rewarded with a very rare and sincere smile from his brother.

“Yeah well I’ve done all I can do and if dad gives me shit over this then I give up.” Luke added before he turned to Anna. “I’ll leave him to you. Stir the casserole a few times though.” he said smirking slightly as he walked out the kitchen. Anna waited until Luke was out the room to narrow her eyes at Castiel.

“Well?” she asked as Castiel came to sit down in the chair opposite her.

“Well what?”

“Well what? Well what!” Anna snapped as her voice raised several octaves. “Well, how about you tell me what happened today _that_ is what!” Anna added whacking Castiel on the arm for good measure. “Do you have _any_ idea how stupid I felt when I had to find out from _Ruby_ that you’d been sent home for punching Alistair in the face? If Meg hadn’t of told Ruby for her to tell me then I probably wouldn’t have heard about it for hours! What the hell happened?”

“Anna you really need to calm down.” Castiel said mainly because Castiel was only just calming down from the clusterfuck of a car crash that had been his encounter with Dean so Anna now yelling at him wasn’t helping. He could feel his skin being to itch but he couldn’t go for another run or Anna would see right through him.

“Castiel I’m sorry but I’m not going to calm down because you punched that psycho in the face! What the hell happened? Please don’t lie to me to me either or I might scream at you.”

“Alistair and his pathetic band of moronic followers were picking on Charlie, ok? They wouldn’t leave her alone so I tried to help. Alistair then thought it would be hilarious to bring my mother into the conversation so I ended up punching him in the face.”

“He did _what_?” Anna practically screamed.

“He made some wise crack about my mother. Shouldn’t have let it get to me, I mean I know she’s gone and she’s not coming back, but I just saw red.” Castiel said. Anna’s eyes softened as she reached out for Castiel’s hands. Castiel never spoke about his mother, none of the Novaks did; it was the unspoken rule really.

“Wow…now I feel bad for getting mad at you. You should have punched him harder.” Anna said.

“Thanks…I guess.” Castiel said shrugging.

“Is that why you were out running?”

“Yeah.” Castiel said knowing full well that his answer didn’t sound half as convincing as he wanted it to sound. Anna raised her eyebrows sceptically. “Don’t start psychoanalysing anything please.”

“What happened? Luke only got back recently and I’d been waiting here for you since school ended. How did you get home?” Anna asked.

“I walked.” Castiel lied quickly.

“Castiel-”

“Anna just don’t.” Castiel said warningly.

“Oh my God, what happened?” Anna asked as her voice lost all severity

“Anna…can we please just not talk about it right now ok? I can’t talk about it at the moment so please just drop it.” Castiel said and Anna must have heard just how weary he sounded because she simply sighed and gave him an understanding smile before answering.

“Are you ok though? You’ve been running for quite some time seeing as Luke has been back home nearly an hour.”

“I’m ok Anna, I promise.” Castiel said even though he could feel the tightness in his chest that had appeared after Dean had left was being to grow in his chest. His run had all but made it disappear but now that he was back home Castiel could feel it infecting his whole body like some disease.

“Have you taken your meds today?”

“I don’t need to take them until nine but I’m going to take them, stop worrying.”

“You’re my best friend; it’s my job to worry about you.” Anna said and for a moment Castiel was taken back to his room with Dean. _We're friends Cas, I have a right to worry about my friends._ They could never be friends now after what had happened and it was all Castiel’s fault because he felt like he just didn’t deserve Dean. He didn’t deserve anything that Dean could possibly give him because that’s what his fucking brain had accepted as the truth. “Castiel? Castiel what’s wrong?”

“Huh?”

“I know something is wrong, I can see it in your face. Please can you just tell me what’s going on?” Anna asked gripping onto Castiel’s hand again. He knew that she meant it as comfort but it just reminded him that not an hour and a half ago Dean Winchester was kissing the scars upon his wrists. Dean had kissed every tiny flaw. Castiel could feel his breathing become shallow as Anna held onto his hand. As he felt the first tear roll down his cheek a surge of inconceivable rage coursed through his body. He was crying. He was crying over Dean fucking Winchester and he hated himself for it so much. Anna didn’t say anything, she just pulled Castiel into a hug and held on until every tear Castiel had inside of him was gone. Holding onto the sides of his face Anna looked at him, really looked at him and sighed. “One day you’re going to tell me what happened.” she said wiping the last remains of Castiel’s tears. Without saying another word she stood up and moved over the stove where Luke’s, probably inedible, casserole was cooking. “I’m going to text Rachel and tell her that I’m staying here tonight ok? We can watch crappy films and point out all the continuity errors.” Anna said giving Castiel a weak smile.

Sometimes Castiel was convinced that he wouldn’t be able to fully function if it weren’t for Anna and her presence.

 

\---

It was at three in the morning when Anna nudged Castiel gently, probably to see if he were awake. He was of course. He’d been lying in his bed unable to forget the feel of Dean’s lips against his own, unable to forget that just for those few moments that he was with Dean he’d felt so happy he could barely stand it. It had been like a burst of light had surged through him and he really had been happy until that poisonous thought in his head had convinced him that he didn’t deserve to feel that happiness. That fucking poisonous thought had convinced him that the joy he’d felt when he was with Dean was completely undeserved even though he wanted nothing more than to have the feeling of joy every damn day. 

“Castiel?” Anna asked in a small voice.

“Mmm?”

“Are you awake?” Anna asked shifting slightly in Castiel’s bed.

“Yeah…” Castiel replied with a slight yawn. Anna shifted again so she was facing Castiel, her face barely visible in the dark of Castiel’s room; the same room they’d spent so much time over the years either studying, spending time together and on one particular night Ann had comforted a fourteen year old Castiel when he’d felt his first twinge of childish unrequited love.  

“I wanted you to know that I’m never going to leave you…I know you worry about people running out on you but I’m not going to even if I go away for college. You have me, you’ll always have me.” Anna said lacing her fingers through Castiel’s and holding on tightly. Her bright eyes, bright even in the dark and full to the brim with purpose, found Castiel’s and locked onto them. “You’re my best friend and you’ll always have me.”

“I know Anna…I know.” Castiel said squeezing her hand.

“You really don’t have to talk about what happened but…well I’m here for you when you do want to talk.” She mumbled; sleep already beginning to pull her back down. Castiel smiled into the dark and squeezed Anna’s hand again. Anna drifted off to sleep, a small look of concern still on her face even as she slept, and Castiel found that he continued to smile appreciatively even if she could not see it. If Castiel ever lost Anna he knew that he would be truly lost.

 

\---

"Clarence! Clarence!" Meg called down the hallway as soon as Castiel walked through the doors the next morning. It was like the girl had a damn radar or something. Castiel had been close to skipping completely but Anna had pretty much dragged him out of her bed, pushed him towards a pot of coffee and told him that under no circumstance was he skipping when he had an English test. Thankfully he could get a B at least even with his eyes closed thanks to having read the book several times. That still didn’t mean that he wanted to be at school. He would have to see Dean, there was no way around it because they were both in Algebra and Art together; just the thought of having to see him made Castiel nervous, sick almost and having Meg storming towards him like a hurricane didn’t help matters at all. Castiel turned round quickly to run but Meg just yelled louder. "Clarence don't even think about bolting you dick!" Meg came striding down the hallway which would have been difficult at the best of times because of all the people crowded around but because of it being before classes started and raining outside it seemed like the entire school was packed into that one hallway. Yes it would have been difficult to stride at the best of times but that morning it was almost impossible and yet Meg managed it. It was probably due to people practically leaping out the way of her in fear despite Meg being 5'4 in towering boots at best. 

"Um...morning Meg." Castiel said warily because he recognised that look on Meg's face. It usually meant to duck as fast as you could before Meg punched the shit out of you. 

"’Morning’ really? Clarence?” Meg screeched as she came to a halt in front of him. Castiel know wished that Anna hadn’t of hurried to the office as she would have been a perfect shield for Meg’s rage right now despite being several inches shorter than Castiel. “’Morning’…Is that all I get? Jesus fucking Christ." Meg muttered.

"All you get?" Castiel questioned and he tried to rack his brain over what he could possibly be saying to Meg instead of ‘Morning’.

"You should be kissing the ground I fucking walk on right about now Novak because if it weren't for me you'd be picking your teeth off the fucking floor." Meg said tossing her long dark hair to prove a point. For some reason Castiel’s mind went back to the time in middle when Meg was this small anti-social thing with a blonde pixie cut. She hadn’t said a word to anyone for weeks, the only noise coming from her was the music filtering out of her headphones, until she sat down next to Castiel in a history lesson, nodded at his faded Led Zeppelin shirt (which had actually been Luke’s beforehand as back in middle school Castiel had this admiration for Luke’s ‘fuck the world’ personality until it had become to grate on him) and launched into a conversation about music. The two of them had been pseudo-friends ever since then.

"And  why would I be picking up my teeth from the floor?" Castiel asked warily. Meg groaned loudly and actually flicked Castiel on the forehead. Hard.

"Um maybe it was because you punched Alistair in the face, you moron!" Meg yelled and the buzz in the hallway rose. Now everyone had proof from Meg Masters that the rumours going around about Castiel punching Alistair were confirmed as true. "He was twenty thousand shades of pissed off until I told him that if he went anywhere near you I'd wear his balls as dangly earrings for prom. Now do you want to tell me why you punched him because that’s not the Clarence I know.” Meg said furrowing her brow until her face melted into one of concern. “Sarcasm and biting wit? Yes. Punching someone in the face…um that’s not Clarence at all.” She added.

“Meg just drop it ok? I’m tired and I just want to forget about the whole damn fight.” Castiel said with a sigh.

“Let me guess, Anna Milton kept you up half the night pestering you about it and now you’re running on about three hours sleep and seven cups of coffee.”

“Two hours sleep and only four cups actually.”

“You’re going to die come English.” Meg said shaking her head. As soon as people realised that Meg and Castiel weren’t going to get into a screaming match in the middle of the hall the crowd died down, everyone hurrying off towards the first class of the day. “Want to skip and grab more caffeine?” Meg asked.

“I would but one Anna Milton would either kill me or drag me to Algebra, make me sit through the whole lesson and then kill me.”

“Sometimes I wonder if that girl is your mama, your best friend or your damn wife.” Meg muttered shaking her head. Castiel had to nod in agreement. “I’m still not over you punching Alistair, you’re going to tell me why you did it soon enough, I hope you know that. Now if you’re going to go to class like a good little angel then go now before Milton tears you a new one. I’d like to say that she’s a total butterfly but the girl is friends with Harvelle and I’ve seen that girl in auto shop, flying wrenches and all.”

Castiel hurried, well walked at a normal speed instead of a leisurely stroll, towards algebra and braced himself before opening the door to walk inside. As soon as he walked through the door half the class either focused on the bruise across his cheek or the cut on his lip. The other half started muttering to one another. Castiel rolled his eyes and sloped off towards his seat. Anna hurried, actually hurried that was, in only a few seconds later and nearly threw herself into her seat.

“Did something happen between you and Dean last night?” she whispered. Castiel’s heart flopped when he noticed that Dean’s seat was empty, he’d been so determined not to look at it that he hadn’t realised it was empty.

“Um why do you ask?”

“Well I saw his brother Sam in the office. He was telling the office that Dean wouldn’t be in today and Charlie was with him. She looked really weird and gave me such a strange look. Did Dean say anything to you about the fight or something? You two haven’t fallen out again have you?”

“I hardly saw Dean yesterday.” Castiel lied. “He’s probably overslept or just can’t be bothered to come in.” he added shrugging his shoulders. Anna narrowed her eyes like she didn’t believe him but didn’t say anything. She just shrugged her own shoulders and started pulling out her Algebra book and notebook.

 

\---

Charlie didn't mention the fight for several days and during lunch she sat with Castiel and Anna in the art rooms looking like she had a lot on her mind but she never voiced her concerns if she had them. That fact that she hadn’t concerned Castiel as Charlie known for ever sugaring her opinions. A silent Charlie was about as dangerous as a silent Anna.

"Are you busy on Friday night?" Charlie asked on Wednesday afternoon as they sat in the art rooms eating lunch. Castiel was finishing off a large drawing while Anna was reading a book she had been assigned to read in AP English. Every now and then she would groan in annoyance at the book she was reading and mutter about terrible characterisation.

"I don't know, why?" Castiel asked without looking up from his sketch pad.

"My mom wants to invite you over for dinner." Charlie said trying to sound nonchalant. Castiel looked up and from the look on Charlie’s face

"I'm not sure Charlie-"

" _Why_? She just wants to say thank you for sticking up for me and she loves cooking for people." Charlie asked frowning. “You know how much she likes you Cas-”

"I'm really not sure."

"Ok that is it, I’ve have enough.” Charlie snapped looking furious all of a sudden. “What the _hell_ happened the other day when Dean drove you home after the fight?" she asked practically groaning with exasperation. “Because you have been in a terrible mood since that day and I know it isn’t just because you ended up with a split lip and detention.”

"Wait hold on a second, _Dean_ drove you home? You told me that you walked home!" Anna said slamming her book down on the table and staring at Castiel with wide eyes. “You also told me that you hardly saw Dean that day! I _knew_ something was going on!” 

"Nothing happened Charlie." Castiel said before turning to Anna. "I didn't tell you because I knew you would say something."

"Yeah well I'm going to say something now! You were in a state and I knew it had something to do with Dean."

"You were in a state? What the hell happened? Dean has been in a pissed off mood ever since and he's been snapping at us over the smallest things. It's driving Sam and mom insane. What happened?"

"Nothing happened ok?!"

"You broke down crying in the damn kitchen! Something happened."

"Nothing happened! For fuck sale will you two drop it already?!" Castiel yelled grabbing his bag and shoving things back inside. 

"Cas! Cas come on!" Charlie cried as Castiel stormed out the art room and down the hallway. He was only halfway down the hallway when he bumped into Jo. She wasn't alone. 

"Hey, what's the matter?" Jo asked while Castiel refused to look anywhere in Dean's general direction. From Dean’s hunched body he was trying to do exactly the same.

"Nothing." Castiel muttered. He snuck a glance at Dean and saw the way the boy’s jaw was set like being anywhere near Castiel physically pained him. That felt like a punch to the gut because even though Castiel had pushed Dean away there was nothing he wanted to do in that moment than to apologise and kiss every inch of Dean’s face but he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. It was better for Dean to not be involved with Castiel clusterfuck of a life and the sooner Dean Winchester understood the better. Sure it hurt like hell but it was better in the long run.

"Oh...ok. I was coming to look for you actually." Jo said.

"Jo I really need to go now ok? We can talk later." Castiel said because Dean’s jaw was so clenched that it looked like the bone would rip out through the skin. Jo wasn’t stupid so she must have known that there was something going on between Castiel and Dean which would only make Charlie and Anna even more determined than before to find out what happened between Castiel and Dean.

"Ok...you're still in detention right?" Jo asked as her eyes flicked towards Dean who seemed very determined to not look anywhere that wasn't the ground or his shoes. 

"Yeah, look I really have to go." Castiel said quickly brushing past Jo and practically running down the hallway because he had to get away from Dean, he just had to before his walls, the careful walls he’d spent years building all came crumbling down. 


	4. Part Four

_There’s no cure, these sessions have taught me such. I’ll always be like this and I’m starting to accept that. I just need to find someone who accepts that about me._

_And have you?_

_I think so._

_Are you scared you might run?_

_I’m always scared of that._

Feet enclosed in in running shoes hitting the chilly packed earth, twigs and fallen leaves crunched under foot and the heavy thumping of rhythmic bass and guitar; those were the only noises Castiel heard as he kept pushing himself, ignoring the burning sensation engulfing his lungs with each and every step. Despite the pain in his legs and the burning in his lungs he couldn’t stop. He had to keep running until he couldn’t feel a single thing. He’d come home from his final detention of the week but the empty house had felt too large, too hollow and after a few hours that seemed to drag Castiel knew he couldn’t stay in the house any longer. He’d grabbed his running shoes and left the house as quickly as he could.

The closed canopy of trees from the wood had filtered out a lot of the rain that had been coming down steadily since he’d set out nearly two hours prior but now that the woods were thinning out, Castiel was steadily approaching home, the rain was becoming more apparent. Castiel flipped up the hood of his battered grey track team hoodie and pushed on because he’d run in thunderstorms in the past, a bit of rain wouldn’t stop him. Thank God for his brilliant immune system (as well as the Vitamin C tablets his father had been making him take since he was young) because he was rarely ever sick even with the continuous running in the rain.

The Novak house came into view as one of the final songs on Castiel running playlist, Led Zeppelin’s _When The Levee Breaks_ , came to an end. Gasping for breath he pulled the headphones out of his ears and slowed down to a gentle jog. Neither his father’s nor Michael or Luke’s cars sat in the driveway which meant Castiel was guaranteed a quiet night as long as Gabriel wasn’t going to take upon himself to attempt to blow up the house or try to make fudge again. Castiel wasn’t sure which one would be more catastrophic if he was being perfectly honest.

He was opening the back door and walking through the hallway, thinking longingly of the long shower he planned on taking, when Gabriel’s voice came filtering from someone in the house.

"Well hey there baby brother!” His voice came from the direction of the kitchen which was hardly surprising as he was probably making his sixth or seventh overtly sweet coffee of the day. “There's a very disgruntled looking, plaid wearing teenage boy waiting to talk to you. He’s waiting for you in your room." Gabriel called as Castiel made to go upstairs to shower. Castiel’s foot missed the step in front of him causing him to nearly face-plant the staircase and hit his knee against the banister. Castiel hissed out a swear word before answering Gabriel.

"What?" He asked pulled himself up and turning to face Gabriel who was now walking into the hallway holding a huge mug of coffee that smelt strongly of artificial caramel. The smirk on Gabriel’s face was so wide it was a surprise that it didn't hurt his cheeks.

Gabriel took a self-satisfied sip of his coffee then grinned more widely than before. "I said that there is a very disgruntled looking plaid wearing teenage boy waiting to talk to you in your room. He was sat on the doorstep looking like some pissed off and poor lost puppy when I got back. He's a good looking kid but moody as hell so I sent him up to your room before he ruined my good mood with his moping and Nineties throw back fashion." Gabriel said.

"Since when are you in a good mood?" Castiel asked. True Gabriel was the jokey sibling but he also had a temper that could rival Michael and Luke's, recently that temper had been shown more often thanks to the rising animosity between Luke, Michael and their father. “Did they finally discover a make of candy that doesn’t cause diabetes?”

"If only…” Gabriel said wistfully. “But no, Kali is back from New York for a week on a study break but she’s already done most of her work so we get to spend the whole week together." Gabriel said with a shrug of his shoulders. Well that would explain a lot. “Please go and see to the disgruntled teen though so I can get back to not being involved in your ultra-angst ridden soap opera of a life.” Gabriel said sighing dramatically.

“You’re hardly one to talk” Castiel muttered. Gabriel was the biggest drama queen Castiel knew and that was saying something with his family.

“Yeah whatever, if you end up doing anything horizontal then kept the noise down and lock the door. The last thing I want to see is you in some semi-naked compromising position with another dude… _again_.” Gabriel said. Castiel rolled his and flipped Gabriel off as he hurried up to his room and stopped in the doorway when he saw Dean sat at his desk reading his tattered copy of _House of Leaves_ with a look of both concentration and wary fear on his face. Castiel couldn’t blame him for that actually, Luke had given him the book to read when he was thirteen and he hadn't been able to sleep properly for nearly three weeks. Dean looked up when he realised Castiel was standing in the doorway and quickly placed the book on the desk next to a stack of sketch pads.

"Your brother, Gabriel I'm guessing, sent me up here so I could wait for you." Dean explained.

"I was out running; we have a track competition on Sunday." Castiel said inwardly cursing himself instantly because he sounded so stupid and it was obvious that he’d been running.

"Um yeah...I can tell." Dean said nodding at the running shoes, shorts and large hoodie Castiel was wearing. "So do you always run in the rain?" Dean asked cocking his eyebrow.

"It's good to run in all conditions so I'm prepared for anything." Castiel said shaking off his damp hoodie and grabbing the nearest jersey sweatshirt he could reach. "I'm guessing you didn't come here to talk to me about my running preferences though." Castiel added.

"Um no I didn’t...I actually had a whole speech that I was going to go over while I waited for you but that book is pretty addictive though freaky as fuck." Dean said waving the book in his hands.

"Yeah that's Danielewski's style." Castiel said with a shrug. Dean sighed clearly wanting to change the subject so Castiel got to the point. "Why are you here Dean?" he asked with a slight sigh.

"I’m here because we haven't spoken in two weeks despite the fact that you've been serving detention for defending my sister every single night of the week...oh and despite the tiny fact that I kissed you then you kicked me out your room." Dean said folding his arms across his chest.

“I kicked you out because you called me an asshole” Castiel said defensively.

“You _were_ being an asshole.” Dean shot back sounding as equally defensive. “Still, we could do with talking Cas.” He added.

"I wasn't sure if there was anything to talk about." Castiel said feeling himself become even more defensive as Dean’s gaze became steelier by the second.

"Bull _shit_. Don't lie to me Cas, ok? I'm getting sick of you lying to me. I want to know what is going on between us because even though you yelled at me and kicked me out of your room you _did_ kiss me back and don't try to deny it." Dean snapped. Castiel opened his mouth to say that he didn’t kiss Dean back but the words wouldn’t come out. That seemed to be one lie he couldn’t tell. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before speaking.

"Ok I did kiss you back." Castiel said snapping now because even though he was trying to tell Dean the truth for once he was also getting sick of Dean constantly yelling at him.

"Why?" Dean pressed.

"Because that's what you do when someone kisses you Dean." Castiel said like it was the most obvious thing ever. Dean cocked an eyebrow again and let out an annoyed sounding sigh.

"So if it were Meg or Jo or even Charlie who kissed you then you would kiss them back?" he asked.

"No because first of all Charlie would never kiss me on the account of me being a boy and secondly you try kissing Jo, she'd most likely punch you in the face." Castiel quickly shot back but Dean didn't look impressed. "Fine… _fine_. I kissed you back because it was you. Are you happy now?" 

"Because it was me? What the hell does that even mean Cas?" Dean asked raising an eyebrow and not letting his eyes stray from Castiel’s face once. It seemed like he was determined to stare him down until Castiel caved. “I don’t just go around kissing people you know. It kind of has to mean something to me. Sure I’ve hooked up with a few people in my past but…we’re friends and for me to kiss you then it has to mean something. Believe me, it meant something and it’s kind of freaking me out not because you’re a guy, I’ve grown to accept that I kind of like guys, but because it’s you and you’re like my best friend even when you’re being a dick.” Dean explained.

“I’m not the only one who acts like a dick.” Castiel pointed out.

“Fine, I can act like one as well but that’s not what I’m talking about here Cas. You kissed me back, you admitted to kissing me back and now you say it was because it was me?”

"Yes, because it was you.” Castiel muttered. “You told me not to lie to you so I'm not going to. I kissed you back because it was you and I'd wanted to kiss you for some time. Is that enough of the truth for you?" he asked knowing full well that Dean wouldn’t appreciate the acerbity in his voice but doing so either way. He watched as several emotions flit across Dean’s face before he settled on a look of resolute determination which didn’t actually help in telling Castiel what Dean was thinking.  

"So why didn't you?" Dean asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Castiel actually had to laugh at that because it was the most stupid thing he’d heard all day. Was Dean really that dumb to not understand why Castiel couldn’t just going around kissing whoever he wanted to? “Why didn’t you just kiss me?”

"Are you really that stupid Dean, really? I had no idea that you even liked me like that and I'm not insane enough to just kiss someone, especially another guy because shit like that can get you punched in the face or worse." Castiel said. 

"I wouldn't do that…" Dean said. "Look, I think that we need to talk about this Cas because I-"

"No Dean we don’t have to talk about this.” Castiel interrupted. “You need to just forget what happened ok? It's much easier that way."

“Easier for who Cas?” Dean asked cocking an eyebrow.

“It’s just easier.”

"How? The hell is that easier Cas? Because from where I’m sat that doesn’t sound easy at all" Dean asked sounding irate. "I don't know about you but I don't just go around kissing people and forgetting about it. Look, I care about you. I really care about you. I care about what happens to you and from what Anna has said-"

"Wait, what did Anna say? She spoke to _you_?" Castiel asked and he felt his stomach begin to churn rapidly. Dean couldn’t just go around asking people about him and Anna certainly couldn’t respond by talking to Dean about him. Anna knew better than to that, she must have known better…right?

"Yes she spoke to me because I was getting pissed off by you ignoring me!" Dean retorted. “I was getting pissed off by not knowing everything and feeling like I was out of the loop!”

"So you thought you would snoop and ask Anna about me?" Castiel asked.

"I had no other choice Cas! You were ignoring me!" Dean quickly shot back.

"That didn't give you the right to talk to Anna about me! What did she even say?" 

“Cas…”

“What did she tell you Dean? What _exactly_ did she tell you?” Castiel asked narrowing his eyes.

“Pretty much everything, she didn’t want to but I pushed her to. She told me about what happened over the past few years...with the depression and stuff.” Dean said. Castiel could feel his breathing becoming shallower with every word Dean spoke until he was breathing in and out heavily trying desperately to not scream or punch Dean square in the jaw as hard as he could. “Don't get angry at Anna, I made her tell me."

"Oh believe me, Anna is not the person I'm angry with at this moment." Castiel said through gritted teeth. “Fucking hell…” he groaned running his fingers through his hair furiously

"I just needed to know how I could fix this between us and-" Dean tried to say and it was those words that finally made Castiel snap. He grabbed Dean by the collar and dragged him up from where he was still sat until he’d slammed Dean against the nearest wall. Dean was either in complete shock or he felt like he deserved this as he made no attempt to fight Castiel off. Castiel slammed him against the wall once more before letting Dean go and striding across his room to create some distance between them before he really did punch Dean and caused a hell of a lot of damage he could never repair.

"Don't you get it? Don't you fucking get it?" Castiel yelled furiously as Dean just stood there looking angry but perplexed. "There is nothing you can do to fix _this_ because _this_ isn't going to work! None of _this_ is going to work because I can't make it work! I'm...I'm...Jesus fucking Christ none of this is working! None of this is right!" Castiel snapped hating the way Dean was looking at him because he looked so damn hurt but this was for Dean's own good. Why couldn't he just see and realise that? "God! I was just going to sit and wait it all out, wait until I finally felt like I'd had enough but you come along with your freaking leather jacket and that stupid smirking smile. You came along with your jaded outlook on everything which was fine but then you started to care, you started to act like you freaking cared about me!"

Dean’s reply was quick and sharp. "I do care about you!" He said.

Castiel scoffed loudly and for a moment he thought Dean was going to punch him. "You just don't get it Dean.” He said warily. “I have not got it in me anymore to care. I haven't got it in me to feel anything anymore because I am just so tired...I'm so tired and broken and I can't be fixed...I can't but then you came along and you made me want to care but I can't...I've tried but I can't care because...I'm just too...broken." Castiel breathed out hoping desperately that Dean would understand. Taking one look at the anger across Dean’s face told him that Dean was in no mood to pity him.

"Jesus Christ Cas! No one cares that you're broken! I don't care that you're broken!" Dean snapped back and Castiel glared at him because was Dean really that much of an asshole to say that to him? Resentment rose up inside of Castiel and he opened his mouth ready to tell Dean to fuck off and go to hell before Dean held up his hands in defence "Fuck, I mean...Cas I mean that you're scarred and flawed, you're an asshole to nearly everyone and you seem to have just given up but I don't care about any of that. I don't care about any of that because it doesn’t matter that you’re broken."

"You should Dean, you should care because then you'd realise that I am really not the kind of person who deserves anything from you." Castiel said. Why couldn’t Dean just realise this? Why couldn’t he just leave Castiel alone to solely drown in his own fucked up psychosis

"What the fuck happened to you to make you like this?"

"Life Dean, life happened. I woke up one more and realised that none of my life really mattered anymore and that was because I really wasn't living." Castiel said even though he honestly didn’t believe any of the words coming out of his mouth.

“Don’t be a fucking moron Cas.” Dean snapped. "Look I get it, I get it ok? After my dad…my dad, well he died and my mom was really depressed over it and I saw the same look in her eyes that I can see in yours but it gets-"

"Please don't say it gets better; please do not say it because that is the biggest crock of shit ever. It doesn't get better Dean; you just become too full of chemicals from countless medication to care anymore so you think it is better when really it isn't. Your life is just the same, just as shitty, as before and that will never change." Castiel said trying to make Dean understand because no one ever understood, not really, unless they had gone through what Castiel had. They wouldn't get it unless they had suffered through side effects and the endless really of hopelessness, of drowning in a vast sadness that was constantly threatening to consume a person in all entirety. "Can you just leave me? Please just leave...just leave me alone Dean _please_." Castiel begged because he just couldn’t stand Dean being in the room any longer. It was all getting too much.

"No" Dean said firmly as he marched over to Castiel and gripped onto his wrist tightly. "I'm not going to leave you here by yourself ok? I'm not going to do that."

"I wish you would..." Castiel said breathily refusing to look Dean in the eyes. He tried to pull his wrists away from Dean’s grasp but Dean was incredibly strong. “God I wish you would leave me the hell alone so fucking much.” He practically whispered furiously.

"Why Cas? Because you hate me that fucking much or because you're scared?" Dean asked moving closer to Castiel still. Castiel's pulse quickened as Dean pressed his chest against Castiel's own. His heart was slamming violently against his chest and he was terrified of even breathing. "Just tell me, do you want me to leave because you hate me or are you just scared?" Dean asked moving closer still, his forehead rested against Castiel's and it would only take an inch or two for their lips to meet. Castiel could already taste Dean on his tongue, that musky, heady taste he’d been thinking about ever since Dean had kissed him. The taste was so intoxicating it all but crumbled Castiel’s will power. 

"I'm scared ok? I'm scared..." Castiel admitted. "I'm scared because you're the freaking clichéd All-American rebel without a cause and you could have anyone...you could have _anyone_ Dean. You could have someone who wasn’t a complete fuck up and broken beyond repair."

"Yes I could." Dean said moving his hands until they were on either side of Castiel's face. It would have been impossible for Dean not to hear how loudly Castiel's heart was beating in that moment. "I could have anyone Cas but I need you. Don’t you understand? I need you and I don’t care if you’re broken and fucked up because I’m nowhere near perfect either, that’s why I need you." Dean said. “Don’t you get it, you moron? I _need_ you.” He added with a whispered sigh before his lips were against Castiel's own and that was what it took to completely shatter the fragile will power already threatening to disintegrate into nothing. 

The kiss started off slow and tender, Castiel assumed that Dean was being gentle in order not to scare him but Dean didn’t know the furious fire that was constantly roaring inside of Castiel. He might have given up on himself, he might have been broken beyond repair, but he still longed for someone to just to be there with him to hold him if he were to break completely. He needed someone to cling to his shattered pieces, the shards of who he was. The moment Dean's lips had touched Castiel's the fire had engulfed him in all entirety and Castiel needed Dean to feel this fire as well, Dean had to understand. 

Castiel gripped onto Dean's firm hips, running a hand under Dean's worn t-shirt to feel the warm expanse of skin; the freckles and slightly tanned skin, the knots of muscle and the slight hint of goose bumps that Castiel's touch left. He added more intensity to the kiss, using his tongue to part Dean's lips as he ran his hand further up Dean's abdomen until his hand was leaving faint touches against Dean's chest.

Dean's hands moved from Castiel's face, snaking around to grip the back of Castiel's head, Dean's fingers burying into Castiel's hair which, until that moment, Castiel had never realised he enjoyed. No one, apart from maybe Anna or Gabriel, had ever tousled his hair when he was younger so when could he have ever realised he enjoyed it so much? A small moan escaped Castiel's lips and as it did so he felt a small rumble of laughter come from Dean's firm chest. That damn laugh, the vibrations of it filled Castiel with a sense of lightness, something he hadn't felt in such a long time. When was the last time he actually laughed? A genuine laugh?

Dean's lips left Castiel's and for a moment Castiel was terrified that Dean had had a change of heart, that he did care that Castiel is broken and probably can't ever be fixed but then he felt kisses feathering down along his jawline and down the side of his neck causing his breath to hitch. By the time Dean's lips were leaving kisses along Castiel's clavicle his breath was completely ragged and the heat of longing threatened to bubble up and completely consume him. A jolt punched through his stomach as he realised that he needed to feel more of Dean's skin, he needed to see more of Dean's skin. He needed to just _feel_. 

Without any finesse Castiel began pulling at Dean's t-shirt, desperate to feel the heat of Dean's skin without material getting in the way at all. Dean's lips left Castiel's clavicle momentarily as he pulled the worn and faded t-shirt up over Dean's head and once again his breath hitched as the shirt fell to the floor.

Dean was broader than he was, a body no doubt crafted from working on cars most of his life. There was more muscle mass compared to Castiel's leaner runner's body and Dean was ever so slightly paler with smatterings of freckles along his shoulders and chest. The tattoo, that damn Vonnegut quote that told people that Dean was a lover of literature, on Dean's rib was visible and without even thinking Castiel reached out to run his fingers over the black ink. He felt a shiver ripple through Dean's body causing him to smile momentarily. 

Their lips met again in a battle of tongues and biting teeth. Castiel’s brain was becoming cloudy because this was actually happening; Dean was actually here with him. He hasn't even noticed that they were moving closer towards Castiel's bed until Dean was pulling him downwards so Castiel could place his thighs either side of Dean's hips.

“Now do you believe me?” Dean asked though there wasn’t any humour in his voice. He was seriously asking if Castiel believed the words that he had said. Castiel could feel his chest restricting at Dean’s words. They were at a crossroads. Castiel could run if he wanted to but he realised he didn’t. He didn’t want to run anymore. He just wanted Dean.

That thought was more terrifying than the sick and twisted thoughts planted in his mind by the depression that had carved him into the person that he now was.

“I believe you.” Castiel said kissing down the side of Dean’s neck and along his collarbone. He could feel Dean’s breathing become shallow beneath his kisses and he tightened his thigh’s grip on Dean’s hips. He heard Dean’s breathing hitch and a wave of satisfaction flowed through Castiel’s body. Just hearing Dean’s breathing change rapidly was enough to send jolts of electric pleasure through his veins. As his breathing became laboured like Dean’s Castiel realised that everything that was running through his was visceral need. Pure and instinctual need. 

He pulled at the zipper of Dean's jeans without thinking about it. With a slightly trembling hand he hoped Dean didn't notice he reached inside the jeans until his hand was firmly clasped around Dean's warm expanse of skin, his hand moving up and down the shaft without any real goal other than to see Dean come undone by the slowly building speed of Castiel's hand gripped around him and the fierceness of Castiel’s lips against Dean's. He wanted to hear Dean's voice become rasped and call out for Castiel in desperation. After everything that had gone on between them since that second day when Dean offered him a ride home Castiel needed this, he needed the intimacy and the desperation.

Castiel knew this; he knew what to do and just how to do it and yet this wasn't just another person who's name Castiel wouldn't remember in the morning and who was only there so Castiel could feel something momentarily, something close to alive. No, this was Dean and by doing this it meant they really were no longer just friends though over the past several days Castiel had become confused in what they actually were. With another rasped sound from Dean, Castiel flung his mind back into the full focus. This was Dean and he deserved everything and anything Castiel could possibly give him.

He built up his speed as Dean became heavier, hotter and slick. Impatient feeling lips jammed against his own and every single minuscule taste of Dean was saturated in desperate and pleading want. There really was no going back. Building up momentum even more so Castiel revelled in the gasping breaths coming from Dean's mouth as the heat if their skin intensified until Castiel felt almost burnt as Dean rested a cheek against his own, stuttering gasps brushing against Castiel's ear along with his name tumbling out of Dean's mouth with hoarse desperation. Dean was becoming undone just the thought alone sent shivers up and down Castiel's spine. 

“Cas” Dean let out with a heady and breathy voice.

“It’s ok.” Castiel said feathering small kisses along Dean’s neck careful not to apply too much pressure though all he really wanted to do was to suck down on the lightly freckled skin and claim Dean as his own. They had come too far for Dean not to be his and he wanted the whole damn world to look at Dean and understand that he was Castiel’s and Castiel alone. It was primordially possessive but Castiel was past caring at this point. “It’s ok” he said again as Dean let out another heavily laboured breath.

With a struggling, strangled cry Dean shuddered and Castiel's hand became filled with warmth. As he looked at Dean's face Castiel was overcome with a look of sheer wonder in the boy's eyes. The thought that what had just happened could have possibly been Dean's first experience sent a wave of panic through Castiel because he felt that Dean deserved so much more than being screamed at before a harried and hormone driven hand-job. Castiel was incredibly tempted to say something but before he could get any words out, before he could even clean himself and Dean up, Dean had pulled him into a deep but surprisingly chaste kiss considering that they had just been doing. Dean's hands raked over the plains of Castiel's stomach until they reached his hips and, with a gentle amount of pressure, pushed until Castiel was sinking backwards. With Dean moving until he was on top of Castiel and with every small movement that would bring their skin closer together Castiel began to feel a deep pressure in his stomach. He felt safe here, with Dean he felt safe.

The realisation sent a wave of shock through his body and caused him to deepen the kiss between him and Dean. With a roll of hips, that caused Dean to groan in the back of his throat, Castiel rolled until Dean was under him. His traced kisses along Dean's jaw before licking at the pulse point on Dean's neck just for good measure. Dean made him feel safe which for someone like Castiel was completely terrifying in the greatest way possible because he was opening himself for someone to discover everything about him, every tiny little fucked up thing that cluttered his brains. All of his thoughts, fears and flaws were laid out for Dean if he wanted to accept them. There was no running now.

Castiel didn’t want to run.

Dean stared up at him with a mix of confusion and awe, like he was seeing Castiel in a whole new light. "So where exactly did-"

"Hate to break it to you baby but I'm not as innocent as you probably thought I was." Castiel shot back grinning wickedly as Dean's eyebrows shot up in surprise. 

"Well, fuck, I ain't complaining" Dean said grinning himself as he brought his lips to Castiel's again though more hungrily than before. Dean kissed him hungrily for a minute before he pulled away, a small frown appearing on his face. "Cas...about what I said to you-"

"Don't." Castiel said but Dean was still frowning.

"Please Cas-"

"No Dean, I should be the one apologising to you." Castiel said moving so he and Dean were now side by side.

"You shouldn't be"

"Yes I should, I flew off the handle the other week and I'm sorry that said what I did…it's just...look before you came here the only real person who I cared about was Anna. She's been my best friend since we were little and she's been there for me through everything. She sat with me for nineteen hours while I slept in the hospital after Gabriel found me. She’s been there through every tiny little thing that has gone on in my life. No one has been there like she has...until you came. You, Charlie and Sam never judged me over anything, you accepted me for being who I was and you welcomed me in." Castiel explained and thankfully Dean just sat there listening to him without interrupting. "You never ran even when I pushed you away...even when you saw..." Castiel mumbled gesturing towards his arms. "I never wanted to let you in, you see it makes it a lot harder to run if people care about you, but...but I really can't...fuck...I really can't imagine being without you now...and you know Charlie or Sam" Castiel said quickly adding the last bit on because what he was saying sounded dangerously like he was admitting deep feelings. "A year ago...I was a mess...worse than I am now. I did things I'm not proud of; I couldn't get through days without anything that would make the hopelessness I was feeling go away. I was hurting myself and everyone around me but I couldn't stop...I never want to go back to that but I could...I could do it so easily Dean and I don't want that."

"Cas...I'm not going to let that happen." Dean said removing the space between them by resting his forehead against Castiel's. 

"I really don't know what I did to deserve you." Castiel mumbled and Dean's body rumbled with laughter. 

"You were sarcastic, aloof and acted like you owned the detention room." Dean said.

"So I acted like an asshole, that's what I did?" Castiel asked unable to stop a small laugh escape his lips. 

"Yeah but it got my attention." Dean said shrugging. "But about last time-"

"What, when you kissed me or when called me an asshole so I kicked you out?"

"Yeah, the asshole thing…that probably wasn't either of our finest moments. That day was pretty stressful though...no what I wanted to say was that...that day wasn't a mistake at all for me...I mean I've been wanting to do that for too long...kiss you that is, not call you an asshole. Though thinking about it you deserve to be called an asshole sometimes Cas."

"Since when?"

“I don’t know Cas, it depends on when you’re being an ass.” Dean said smirking. Castiel rolled his eyes causing Dean to smirk even more so. "The party at Meg Masters' house when you were spectacularly drunk and commented on how I could probably bench press you...the night you helped me with my portfolio...the day I saw you run for the first time; I don't know really, take your pick." Dean said. "That day though, after you punched Alistair in the face, I was so freaking angry-"

"At me" Castiel said without any question to it because Dean probably had a right to be angry at him after what he did.

"Yeah Cas, at you and the only thing I could think to do was to kiss you.”

“There’s probably some flawed logic there but I’m going to let it slide.” Castiel said shrugging while Dean smiled weakly. “Why…after you found out that I wasn’t straight why didn’t you just tell me that you liked me?” Castiel asked.

Dean snorted loudly. “Because I thought you didn’t like me that much.” He said bluntly.

“I guess I gave you enough reasons to think that didn’t I?”

“Yeah…no…sort of…I guess I never thought about liking another guy, it never felt…I never felt…it’s complicated.” Dean said shaking his head.

“I know a thing or two about complicated.” Castiel said gently. Dean stilled for a moment before talking.

“My dad…well he wasn’t the greatest of guys at times. Ok he was a fucking asshole to be honest and I really didn’t understand that until after he died. I mean, I idolised him when I was younger and I really shouldn’t have because he was an asshole towards me. Well…he was a good man but he had to try real hard to be a father I guess. He tried to mould me into this version of himself and I know now that I didn’t realise that until he died and I didn’t have someone breathing my neck telling me to constantly take care of Sammy or Charlie and be ‘Dad’s Good Ol’ Soldier’. That’s probably part of the reason why I felt like I couldn’t tell you. My mom, well you know how she thinks you’re awesome; she wouldn’t care as long as I was happy. That was all she said when I was younger. ‘I’ll always love you, no matter who you turn out to be just as long as you’re happy’. My dad on the other hand…he’d piss himself laughing if he were still alive.”

“How did your father die?”

“Um, in a car crash when Charlie and I were fourteen. He was drunk and wrapped the Impala around a tree. The Impala was his car back then.” Dean said. “Dad died in the hospital and it took five months to get the Impala on the road again…my Uncle Bobby helped me…he owns a garage back in Kanas where we’re from.”

“You rebuilt the car yourself?” Castiel asked. He had after all been in Dean’s car several times and knew how well built and well cared for the car was. It had drawn a lot of attention when Dean had first come to the school and still Castiel heard people admiring the car’s pristine look and power. Knowing that Dean had built that car made it seem even more perfect in a way because a car like that could have only been built with dedication, compassion and strength. Just the thought of Dean slaving over the car for five months made Castiel smile.

“Well my Uncle Bobby helped but yeah…I pretty much rebuilt the whole thing from scratch…it helped, you know, with the grief even if I was starting to realise that my Dad wasn’t always that great of a guy.” Dean explained. “My mom took his death badly though; she’d been with my dad since they were teenagers so it hit her real hard. We find her randomly walking around the house at night and she couldn’t sleep in their bedroom anymore because she said it felt too empty. We were all worried about her for a while but my mom, well she’s a badass and all she was worried about afterwards was how Sam, Charlie and I were coping. We moved in with my grandparents for a while until my mom got better, you know recovered from her grief and all. We moved around for a while after that while my mom flitted from job to job until we finally settled here.” Dean let out a breathy laugh and looked surprised. “You know I’ve never actually told anyone any of that.”

“Thank you for telling me.” Castiel said.

“It’s cool…”

“I get it, the whole grief shit…well I get it as much as I can.”

“Your mom?” Dean guessed as Castiel had never mentioned her in any of their conversations and until now he hadn’t felt the need to. Dean had to know Castiel had issues with his mother, after all that was part of the reason behind punching Alistair in the face, but Castiel had always been very closed off when it came to his mother. He assumed it was some form of coping mechanism even though his therapist had said it was to do with Castiel not wanting to really admit that his mother had left him. That was just one of reasons behind Castiel really hating his therapist.

“Yeah, well sort of…she left us all when I was ten you see; she just upped and left us. She lives in Boston now, that’s all I really know. We haven’t seen or heard from her in a few years now. The last time I was spoke to her was when I was about eleven I think. She’s completely cut us out of her life.” Castiel said. “My dad did the best he could though he works a lot and he’s hardly ever around so my brother Michael sort of took over as head of the house when my dad wasn’t there though to be honest he did a shitty job because Luke fought him on everything Michael said and Gabriel’s issues with authority could fill a book. I found it easier to just stay out of it all in case I got dragged into some kind of family wide fallout.” Castiel took a deep sigh before carrying on. “I didn’t find out until last year why she really left. When I first starting noticing that there was something wrong with me…when I went on my meds and everything…well that was when my Dad told me. My mom had suffered from depression for years; since Gabriel was born I think. It finally got too much for her and she told my Dad that she couldn’t handle it anymore. During the first two years that she left were spent getting treatment apparently then she moved to Boston to start over again.” Castiel said. Dean had grown silent and still while he listened to Castiel apart from making small circular patterns on Castiel’s hand with his fingers. It was incredibly soothing and made Castiel feel less scared about telling Dean about his mother.

“Shit…Cas I’m so sorry.” Dean said.

“It made me feel like I wasn’t completely alone with my problems but at the same time it terrified me because she left, she just left _everyone_ and I’ve thought about that so many times. I’ve thought about just running from all my problems just like she did.”

“But you’re here.” Dean said firmly looking at Castiel with those damn eyes of his that swam with understanding .

“I’m here.” Castiel echoed. “I just wish she would have stayed because then I wouldn’t have felt so scared when I wanted to run…when I wanted to hurt. I wish she’d been there to tell me that I wasn’t alone and that other people felt the way that I did.”

“Cas-”

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself that night…the night with the kitchen knife. I just got carried away and couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to die but for a while I realised that I really wasn’t scared of dying because it would have made things easier. My dad would have one less son to worry about, Michael wouldn’t have to tear his hair out over me anymore and I would stop disappointing everyone around me. It wasn’t until I heard how scared Gabriel was when he found me that I realised I didn’t want to die. I want to live and carry on fighting. That was the last time I did it but I wasn’t the same person I used to be. I haven’t been the person I used to be for a long time actually…” Castiel felt lighter as soon as he finished talking but at the same time he was terrified what Dean would say as he was currently staring at Castiel with such an intense look that it was unnerving. Dean was silent for several moments before he placed his hands on either side of Castiel’s face and pulled him into a kiss. It started off slow and chaste, so much more innocent than the kisses they had shared earlier on, until Dean applied more pressure to the kiss, biting down on Castiel’s lower lip, and kissing so hard that Castiel was promptly growing breathless. All he wanted was to forget who he was and just live in that moment with Dean. He…fuck he just wanted to be happy for once. Dean broke away with a smile towards Castiel and it was then that Castiel realised that maybe he could do it, maybe he could just be happy. Castiel shimmied until his forehead was resting against Dean’s “Dean…” he whispered.

“Yeah Cas?” Dean mumbled looking straight into Castiel’s eyes.

Castiel took a deep breath as he looked back at Dean. “Will you stay here tonight?” he asked. As Dean’s face broke out into a wide smile Castiel let his chest lift with lightness.

“Sure Cas…it’s the only way I know you’re not going to run” Dean said kissing Castiel lightly on the lips before he closed his eyes.

 

 

\---

It took several moments when he woke in the morning for Castiel to realise that he wasn't alone. Normally he was so unfocused in the mornings that a marching band could storm through his room and he would hardly notice so this wasn't anything new; what was new was that the person next to him was Dean Winchester. Dean's face was mashed into the pillow but his arm was splayed across Castiel's chest with the other snaked around his waist pulling him close so their chests were flushed together, Dean's skin sending warmth into Castiel's own.

For a second Castiel's mind was drawn back to when he'd fallen asleep at Dean's, the night he'd helped him with his art portfolio. That was the night Dean had asked him not to leave, the night that Castiel had really become to realise that the friendship between he and Dean wasn't a friendship at all, it was the first tentative steps to where they were now, wherever that was. Castiel wondered briefly if Dean remembered what he'd said or if he'd been too taken by sleep at that point. The most important thought that ran through Castiel head though was the determination that he wasn't going to leave, at least not until he had to. This time he’d been the one that wanted Dean to stay and that meant a lot.   

"Hey…" Dean mumbled opening one eye blearily. "W-w-hat time is it?" He asked failing to contain a loud and drawn out yawn. It hadn’t even occurred to Castiel to look at the time which, when he thought about it, a stupid thing considering they needed to get to school.

"Fuck, it's after ten" Castiel said looking down at his phone. There were six unread messages, five from Anna and one from Charlie that Castiel would answer later once he was clearer in his head and not very aware that Dean Winchester was lying next to him in just a pair if tight black boxers. It was a very distracting thought and one that only became even more distracting when he realised it was allowed. Dean lying next to him was perfectly fine because Dean wanted to be there, he wanted to be with Castiel.

"Shit, we've missed algebra and we'll be even later if I stop home to get changed." Dean groaned rubbing his face sleepily. Castiel couldn't help but snort at that. “What? I can’t turn up in exactly what I was wearing yesterday, it’ll look really obvious.”

“What, it’ll be that obvious that you camped outside Castiel Novak’s house to yell at him then fall asleep pretty much naked in his bed? Yeah that’ll be everyone’s first thought I can guarantee.” Castiel said derisively. “Dean you own like three shirts, it always looks like you’re wearing the same thing.” He added.

“Oh so you’ve noticed what I’ve been wearing?” Dean asked raising an eyebrow.

“There’s only so much flannel you can witness without it being burnt into your retinas.” Castiel quickly replied 

“God you’re such an asshole.” Dean muttered shaking his head. “Still, we’re going to be late.”

"Fuck it, we'll just skip today, I haven't done my essay for English anyway." Castiel shrugged. Anna would be pissed but there was nothing he could do about that, besides he would explain everything to her after. 

“So we have the whole day together?” Dean asked.

“That’s the plan.” Castiel said. When Dean’s face lit up with a bright smile Castiel couldn’t help but smirk and move over towards him.

They kissed with chaste for several moments before the yawning hunger began to rise up in Castiel's stomach and he deepened the kiss, swiping his tongue against Dean's lips. He could get used to this, lying next to Dean and just drowning in the sense of belonging he felt by just being there with Dean. 

Dean let out a deep groan coming from his chest as he parted his mouth to welcome Castiel's tongue. His arm moved from Castiel's chest so it could run light strokes along Castiel's abdomen. Their kiss was deep, wet and full of pure want that sent almost painful pangs to the pit of Castiel's stomach. He pulled away and watched Dean's face for a moment. Dean had asked him not to leave all those weeks ago and Castiel wasn't going to, he really wasn't going to. Castiel knew he was staring but he couldn't help it; the look in Dean's eyes, the way his green irises were practically unseen thanks to his wide pupils, the small freckles that littered Dean's cheeks and the slow curve of Dean's lips were all begging to be captured by whatever medium Castiel could think of; watercolour, charcoal or pencil. 

"What?" Dean asked cocking an eyebrow. 

"Um...do you want breakfast or coffee?" Castiel asked as he couldn't tell Dean of the insane desire to draw him as that would have seemed strange. He also didn't want to mention that he was beginning to feel very aware that Dean was lying next to him and that he had spent the night with Castiel.

"Sure." Dean said pulling himself upwards and glancing round the room to look for his t-shirt that had been thrown off the night before. "Have you seen my shirt?" he asked glancing around the room. Maybe that was a sign that Castiel really needed to actually clean his room but that would require effort to clean his room which he did not remotely possess. It wasn't that he was an untidy person, he just ended up throwing things around his room during the week and never got round to picking them up until it was the weekend.

"Leave it; everyone will be at work or wherever Gabriel goes in the middle of the day so we have the house to ourselves." Castiel said with a shrug as he barely looked around the mess that was his room.

"Is that just a cover for you to stare at me without my shirt on?" Dean asked with a smirk. Castiel sighed loudly and pulled Dean into a hurried and rough kiss before he pulled away with the smirk.

"Oh darn, you've uncovered my master plan." Castiel said not even caring at how much sarcasm saturated his words.

"I thought as much." Dean said smugly. Castiel rolled his eyes as he climbed out of bed. “I knew you were hot for me from day one” Dean added winking.

“Oh of course, I concocted this whole plan just to see Dean Winchester without a shirt on. Now more your lazy egotistical ass before you talk yourself out of breakfast.” Castiel said. Dean pouted mockingly but let himself be pulled out of bed by Castiel and pushed in the general direction

 

 

\---

The kitchen was indeed empty of all other Novak family members and Castiel padded across the hardwood floors to the refrigerator to pull out breakfast supplies. Thankfully Michael was a bit OCD about having a fully stocked fridge so the fridge was full of food.

“Man, I thought our kitchen was clean…” Dean said with a low whistle as he look around the kitchen.

“Yeah Michael is pretty anal retentive when it comes to the kitchen. He has an order for everything. Once or twice a month Gabriel will go round and rearrange everything and make all the cans face backwards just to see Michael’s reaction. It’s the closest he ever gets to crying.” Castiel explained as he grabbed a carton of milk and turned to Dean. "Cereal or cooked breakfast?" He asked before pulling out a carton of juice so he could take his morning medication. 

"Cereal is fine, what kind do you have?" Dean asked.

"What kind don't we have, Gabriel is addicted to anything with sugar as its main ingredient and Luke has this weird appreciation for muesli that no one apart from Luke understands." Castiel said opening the cereal cupboard which was also fully stocked.

"Holy shit, you weren't kidding." Dean said smirking while he leant against the nearest kitchen countertop. The sight of Dean stood there in just his boxers with a smirk on his lips was incredibly distracting and it took a moment or two for Castiel to pull his eyes away from Dean’s torso and that damn tattoo of his. 

"Um…what kind?" Castiel asked pulling his focus away from the practically naked Dean and nodding at the cereal boxes.

"Oh, Lucky Charms." Dean said and Castiel shuddered. "Hey! Don't bad mouth the charms. They are the greatest edible thing created by man after apple pie." Dean said looking thoroughly affronted at Castiel distaste.

"Lucky Charms are nothing but sugar pretending that they are a breakfast food, I have no idea how you can eat that stuff." Castiel said pouring Dean a generous bowl of cereal despite him not actually believing that they were edible let alone a breakfast food. He was busy concentrating on the cereal that he didn't notice Dean moving ever so slightly and he wasn't aware of it until Dean was resting his chin on Castiel's shoulder then gently nuzzling into Castiel's neck. "Excuse me but I'm trying to be a culinary genius here Dean." Castiel said fighting the smirk creeping across his face.  

"Oh yes, those Lucky Charms are a real fucker to get right." Dean mumbled into Castiel's neck. Now that the barrier between them had been knocked down neither Dean nor Castiel were taking any notice of the concept of personal space and Castiel couldn’t find it in him to care in the slightest. Sure he’d felt skin against skin, a hand resting on his arm or the ghost of a slow smile before but none of those had held the same weight as they did when they coming from Dean. Maybe it was because Castiel’s barriers had been all but blown away.

"Excuse me but the ratio of cereal to marshmallows requires complex precision." Castiel said while Dean chuckled devilishly into his neck. “I might find them the perversion of the cereal world but I’m not about to fuck up the science that is the perfect bowl of Lucky Charms.” He added causing Dean to chuckle again, planting a small kiss on Castiel’s bare shoulder as he did so.

"You know, I like this version of you." Dean whispered into Castiel's ear.

"What? Half naked and pouring you sugar masquerading as cereal?" Castiel asked smirking and he could practically hear Dean rolling his eyes. 

"No you idiot, the version of you that isn't being a sarcastic asshole and being grumpy as fuck at the same time." Dean said. For a moment Castiel stiffened, the last thing he ever appreciated was a joke made it his expense when it came to his mood swings or generally awful outlook on life. He was highly tempted to go and tell Dean to fuck himself and he would have done if it were anyone else. "I didn't mean that the way you think I meant it either so don't get pissed off at me." Dean said moving sideways so he could lean against the kitchen countertop and look at Castiel. "I just like this lighter version of you when you're not so consumed with trying to not let me in, that’s what I meant..."

"It's ok Dean, I prefer this version of me too." Castiel said after several moments. The smile Dean gave him was small but it did the job of restoring the kitchen to the playful mood before. Castiel handed Dean the bowl of cereal and as he gave Dean a warmer smile to show that Dean hadn't upset him he switched the large coffee machine on the corner counter into life. Dean smirked when he noticed the several bottle of wholesale sized coffee syrup bottles next to the machine which Jo had managed to score for Castiel’s Christmas present to Gabriel. The look one Gabriel’s face when he’d opened them had been priceless and the label maker Michael had gotten him was forgotten instantly. Why Gabriel had asked for a label maker in the first place had worried Castiel to no end but it mainly turned out to be so Gabriel could label every single item of food in the cupboards he thought was his. Why he had to label individual grapes though was something Castiel would never understand.

"Let me guess, Gabriel has a strong love for all of those sickly sweet drinks pretending to be coffee." Dean said and Castiel couldn’t help but think that was rich coming from Dean as he was currently eating coloured sugar disguised as cereal. 

"Don't say the words 'caramel macchiato' to him or he'll never shut up." Castiel said sighing. “There were bruises on my ribs for nearly a week after Christmas because he hugged me that hard.” 

"So does that mean that you want me to meet your brothers? Officially this time and not just as someone who ushered me upstairs so I could yell at you or as the random guy in the office on the day you punched Alistair?" Dean asked lightly but the implications behind his words were there. There was no way Dean was ever meeting Michael, if it were possible Castiel wished he'd never met Michael even if they were related. Meeting Gabriel would be easier as long as Gabriel didn’t turn into an overly protective big brother and meeting Luke would be tricky depending on his mood though Castiel would have to remind him several times that Dean wasn’t remotely involved in the fight between Alistair.

"What exactly would I introduce you as? Hypothetically of course." Castiel asked trying to sound casual.

"That depends, are you finally going to class us as friends?" Dean said with a smirk. 

"My friends don't tend to stay the night then stand around in my kitchen in just their underwear looking absurdly attractive." Castiel said with shrug. Dean raised an eyebrow questioningly. 

"So what exactly does that make me?" he asked. Dean might have been trying to be casual but Castiel could hear the seriousness behind his question. It would probably be no surprise to Dean that Castiel didn’t do relationships, mainly because the ‘flight’ part of his ‘fight or flight’ instinct would kick into overdrive, so this was all new ground for Castiel. It probably wasn’t a surprise to Dean but he could still do with hearing it.

"Well don't let this inflate your ego but you're the first person I've been like this with so it currently makes you something outside the norm. At the moment you're just my 'Dean' I guess." Castiel said shrugging hating how his words sounded but it was the only way he could explain this. He knew it sounded corny as hell but he really was at a loss for words on how to explain what Dean was to him.  

"Your ‘Dean’..." Dean said as a slow smile crept across his face.

"Yes, I guess so. You're more than just a friend now."

"I thought we weren't friends."

"Well we certainly aren't just friends now." Castiel said smirking. Dean rolled his eyes but then went quiet like he was trying to think something through. 

"I think I'd like being your ‘Dean’." Dean said after several moments of silence and Castiel couldn’t fight the bright smile that broke out on his face. "Cas...last night, you know we both said some shitty things but I meant what I said when I said I wasn't going to let anything happen to you...anything bad at least." Dean said sounding serious.

"I know." Castiel said quickly.

"So you trust me?" Dean asked. Yes, he shouldn't have trusted Dean because he wasn't sure if he could fully trust anyone but he found himself doing so. He knew Dean would never knowingly hurt him. Castiel leant across his seat so Dean was closer than before.

"I trust you." he said bringing his lips to Dean's in a kiss that was less intense, less primal, than the ones shared the night before. Dean tasted like a mixture of coffee and sugar from his cereal, so different from the slight musk and tang of cigarettes from the night before. This Dean, the one sat in Castiel's kitchen eating cereal, seemed younger and less jaded, he seemed genuinely happy and a small fluttering started in Castiel’s chest when he realised that he’d caused that happiness. 

Dean's hand fell to Castiel's hip as his tongue pressed gently against Castiel's lips until he opened them. Castiel wasn't sure what it was but there was something about how Dean kissed him that made him breathless, like his chest was tightening until it would explode. He'd certainly never felt like this when kissing anyone else before. He’d never felt so hyper aware of anything before actually. Eventually Castiel had to pull away before his lungs actually stopped working. His breath returned to him shakily while Dean went back to sipping his coffee.

"So” Dean said placing his coffee mug back down onto the table “How do you plan on spending the whole day without school?" he asked with a cocked eyebrow. 

"Well I could actually do the work I've been putting off for the past several weeks but I'd rather lie in bed and watch a shitload of DVDs." Castiel said nonchalantly.

Dean’s familiar slow smile crept across his face. “That sounds like a damn good plan to me.” He said as if there wasn’t else he’d rather do. 

 

 

\---

It was surprising how easily the two boys slipped into something that felt so easy and natural. Castiel’s initial doubts where still there but as the first week became two those nerves and doubts began to sink. They didn’t disappear entirely but they were less prominent than they had been. What surprised Castiel so much was how understanding Anna, Charlie and Jo were. True Anna had been angry that Castiel had been keeping things from her, especially the truth behind what had happened between Castel and Dean after the fight with Alistair, but after a few days of endless coffee Anna softened up. There were days when Castiel would go into a blind panic and doubt everything to do with his relationship with Dean, after all doubting himself was all he ever really knew so why would he stop now?

The difference between his doubts before and his doubts now was that Dean was now there to calm him down, to kiss away some of those fears and tentatively attempt to begin fixing the broken pieces of Castiel. The thing was that sometimes Castiel could feel it working. A simple hand on his arm, a small glance or a swift kiss would make Castiel forget the pain running through him for several moments because those moments would belong to Dean and Dean alone.

Castiel hadn’t actually realised how starved he had been of affection. Random hook ups and meaningless sex had dulled the pain in the past but it had only done that, it had dulled the pain and not removed it. With Dean it was different; every touch, every kiss and every look slowly repaired those invisible cracks that spanned across Castiel’s body. There would be a time when Dean wouldn’t be there to fix Castiel’s broken pieces, it was an inevitability, but until then Castiel was almost desperate to forget that he was damaged. He just wanted to feel normal. He wanted to feel loved because he’d gone so long denying himself the love of another person because of his own fucked up mentality, his own crippling psychosis. He buried his flaws away from people because of the fear of getting hurt, of hurting others, but maybe it was ok for Dean to see them. Maybe it was ok for Dean to see them because he accepted them.

Dean still spent time with the few friends he had made during his first few weeks at school though he now spent more and more time with Jo and Anna. Though, like Anna, he drew the line at spending time with Meg. The first few weeks of their relationship was whirlwind of secret glances in Algebra, playful teasing in art and hurried make out sessions in the Impala during lunch breaks. There were moments when Castiel was sat in the backseat of the car with the taste of Dean, a mixture of coffee, cigarettes and spearmint gum, on his lips and he would wonder why he’d been so scared to let Dean Winchester into his life.

Then it hit him.

They were staring graduation in the face, it was little over a month away and most seniors had been sent into a wave of panic. Anna had spent two nights staring at Castiel’s after her father found out that she had turned down her early acceptances at both Brown and Cornell in favour for going to The Art Institute to study Graphic Design. Her mother had been happy that Anna would be staying in the state but her father had gone on about how she was throwing her life away in order to follow some silly pipe dream. Things had been frosty between the Milton’s for several days before Zachariah apologised but still made it clear that he thought Anna had made a huge mistake.

Castiel’s father didn’t mention college and neither did Michael. Castiel had a sneaking suspicion that Gabriel had told both of them that I they even mentioned it then Gabriel would blow up a small portion of the house. If Castiel was completely honest he didn’t regret not applying anywhere, he had the next year to apply if he even wanted to go but until then he could just think about what he really wanted from his life. While his grades were ok, Anna had finally yelled at him enough for him to actually do half the work for Algebra that he’d been neglecting all year, Castiel knew that while his father, and to some extent Michael, would want him to study something worthwhile at college he knew that the only thing he’d be passionate about would be art and now it was too late in the year to be sending off work for schools to look at. It was obvious his family didn’t agree with Castiel’s choice but they refrained from saying anything and for that Castiel was thankful.

Dean on the other hand mentioned college a fair bit. After Charlie had been accepted to Harvard, with a full scholarship after they’d seen her coding skills, and Sam had started looking at studying at Stanford once he’d graduated Dean had looked at several colleges, Castiel had seen the brochures in his room. They didn’t talk about it in depth, Castiel really didn’t want to think about the fact that Dean could be hundreds of miles away from him in just a few short months, but Castiel knew that it was something Dean was thinking about heavily even if they didn’t talk about it. It was a niggling worry but Castiel had gone long enough with niggling worries so he learnt how to push it down until it was barely noticeable.  

 

 

\---

The Novak family had many, varied and sometimes not exactly moral, talents. Subtly was not one of them. As soon as Castiel walked through the back door, his running shoes caked in mud from his run, and into the kitchen on a Saturday morning he knew something was up. For starters his father was sat at the table eating breakfast which was a miracle in itself as their father was never around on Saturdays. Secondly both Michael and Luke were sat at the table and they weren’t fighting. The final thing that proved something was up was that Gabriel was smiling broadly and handed Castiel a full mug of coffee as soon as he kicked off his running shoes. A pool of fear settled in Castiel stomach because something had to be wrong, it was his family after all and something was always wrong.

“What’s wrong?” Castiel asked warily taking the coffee from Gabriel. Maybe their great aunt had died which would explain why Gabriel was smiling because he hated the woman.

“Nothing is wrong Castiel, why would it be?” his father asked.

“Because you’re all awake on a Saturday morning and sat in the kitchen. You’re even eating French toast.” Castiel pointed out.

“Which I made from scratch.” Gabriel said proudly.

“Ok who died?” Castiel asked because Gabriel hadn’t made French toast in years and the last time he had it had been because their grandfather had dropped dead. He’d also wreaked the pan and put burn rings on the kitchen table but Castiel wasn’t going to mention that as it still caused Michael pain to think about.

“No one has died, why are you always so melodramatic?” Michael asked rolling his eyes. That was rich coming from him and the meltdown that happened every time someone didn’t put the cereal back in alphabetical order.  

“Michael shut up; this is a joyous moment for everyone so stop ruining it by being a giant dick.” Gabriel said. Michael glared over a Gabriel for a moment and it must have been a joyous moment because he didn’t say a thing to Gabriel before he looked back at Castiel.

"Something came from MCAD this morning." Michael said. 

"MCAD?" Castiel asked.

"Minneapolis College of Art and Design.” Michael said with an exasperated eye roll.

“Yeah I know what it is, what I meant was why would MCAD be sending anything to me?” Castiel asked. 

“Well it looked official and very important." Gabriel said shrugging. 

"It’s probably just a catalogue for next year or something like that." Castiel said. Gabriel groaned loudly and stomped off into the hallway, muttering that Castiel was a ‘fun sponge’ as he went. Moments later he threw a heavy envelope in the general direction of Castiel's head. Castiel caught it just before it hit square in the face and glanced down. "From now on she can do her own damn theatrics." Gabriel muttered under his breath. “Just open the damn envelope you dick.” Gabriel said.

“Why?”

“Open it for God’s sake.” Michael snapped. 

"It's already been opened." Castiel pointed out.

"Yeah well I was curious." Gabriel shot back while Michael rolled his eyes.

“You know that’s a felony right?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done something illegal and it won’t be the last so shut up and open the thing.” Gabriel said flapping a hand. “Will you just read the damn letter already before I combust?” Gabriel then asked sounding exasperated.  Castiel looked at him warily before reopening the envelope, pulling out its contents and scanning the official looking letter. 

_Dear Mr Novak,_

_Thank you for your submissions and application. We here at the Minneapolis College of Art and Design were blown away with the talent displayed with your work and how promising an artist you seem to be. After careful review of your application and your artwork, and on behalf of the Minneapolis College of Art and Design, we would like to offer you a place on the Bachelor of Fine Arts Degree course…_

Castiel stopped reading and stared up at his family, all of whom were smiling. It was then that Gabriel threw a larger, and much heavier, self-addressed envelope.

“They also sent this back.” He said as Castiel caught the envelope and ripped it open. It was his artwork, pieces he'd done both in class and at home. The artwork he’d painstakingly poured his heart and soul into over several months. The artwork that his teacher Balthazar had said time and time again was worthy of being displayed or sold.

Looking back at the envelope he instantly recognised the handwriting of the neatly written address. Someone, who went by the name of Anna Milton, had a lot of explaining to do.

 

 

\---

Anna opened the door while Castiel was still walking up the driveway. She’d clearly only recently woken up because her red hair was pulled up in a messy tangle and she was in a pair of cotton sweatpants and a paint splattered sweater.

“Gabriel just sent me a text message saying that I should prepare myself, what’s happened? Did Luke finally go crazy and kill your dad or something? Did he kill Michael?” Anna asked. “Oh my God, Nana Novak hasn’t died has she? That woman makes the best beef stew I’ve ever eaten.” She added with a voice full of concern.   

"No, Nana Novak hasn’t died.” Castiel said rolling his eyes. “I got a letter this morning from the Minneapolis College of Art and Design actually." Castiel said pointedly. Anna’s eyes grew wide and she couldn’t hide the smile on her face.

"Holy shit! They got back to you? What did they say?" Anna cried dragging Castiel into the house. “Please tell me it’s good news, what did they say?”  

"They said that I’ve been accepted for a Bachelors Degree in Fine Art, you know, despite the tiny fact that I did not actually apply at MCAD in the first place."

"You got in? You got in!" Anna then screamed flinging her arms around Castiel's neck and hugging him so tightly that all the air rushed out of him. “Rachel! Rachel! He did it!” Anna practically screamed into the house. It would have been better if she hadn’t of screamed right by Castiel’s ear because he was almost certain that he was now partly deaf. “Mom, Rachel! Castiel did it!” she cried again as her sister Rachel and mother Amy came hurrying into the hallway both still in their pyjamas.

“You got into MCAD?” Rachel asked. Castiel nodded dumbly. “Wow I guess congratulations are in order!” Rachel cried flinging her arms around Castiel just like Anna had done. Well it seemed like everyone had been in on it apart from Castiel. “I knew you would get in though, I saw the stuff Anna sent off and it was incredible. We all knew you’d get in but we didn’t want to jinx it did we Anna?”

“Oh congratulations Castiel, we’re so very proud of you.” Amy said smiling at him.

“Thanks Amy.” Castiel said. Amy Milton, unlike her husband, actually adored Castiel so maybe Charlie had a point when she said that mothers seemed to like Castiel. Amy had always been nothing but lovely towards Castiel so he was actually pretty pleased that she seemed so happy for him. "Yeah...Anna do you care to tell me how they came to think I applied to their school?” Castiel asked looking from Amy back to Anna who went bright red. Rachel snorted loudly and shook her head.

“I told you he would be pissed off at you.” Rachel said before she turned to Castiel. “She was going on and on about you not applying anywhere and I think something finally snapped inside her because back in March she applied for you.”

“March? You’ve known about this since March?” Castiel asked. Anna bit her lip nervously but then shrugged her shoulders.

“I didn’t want you to wake up in a few months and realise that you’d made a mistake by not applying to anywhere, at least this way you would have more than one option.” Anna said trying to sound casual.

“I told you it would piss him off.” Rachel said again.

“Oh please.” Anna said rolling her eyes at Rachel. “He’s not pissed off; he’s happy but sort of grumpy at the same time.”

“He’s standing right here.” Castiel pointed out. Anna grinned sheepishly while Rachel continued to snort.

“Ok so I might have sent off your stuff and an application on your behalf to MCAD but I only did it because I knew you would get in and I know you’ll be amazing there! Please don’t be angry at me, I know you’re shocked but please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad it’s just…a surprise.” Castiel said.

“I know but just think about it, you’re going to college!” Anna said even though Castiel had yet to agree to it. He was, even if he didn’t think he was college material just yet he wasn’t going to turn down the opportunity to study the one subject he was passionate about.

“Fuck…I’m going to college.” Castiel groaned raking his fingers through his hair. He was going to be going to college.

He wondered how the hell he was going to tell Dean. 

 

 

\---

It happened a few short weeks after receiving his letter from MCAD. Everything had been going far too well for Castiel's liking and whenever that happened it was only so long before the careful and delicate barrier he built up came shattering down and slicing him to ribbons.

Relapses were never considerate. Relapses didn’t care that you had finally found a grain of happiness and relapses didn’t care that there were people who understood, who were caring towards you. Relapses wormed their way into your life and then left once they had succeeded is wreaking the carefully crafted life you’d tried so hard to cling to.

Relapses did nothing but fuck up your life without a single care.

Castiel first noticed it after two weeks. He had been sitting in the Winchester's den with Dean, Charlie and Sam watching season something or other of Dr Sexy; correction, Dean was watching it while Castiel, Charlie and Sam viciously mocked and belittled both the show and Dean's love for it. Apart from some of the music which wasn’t _too_ bad, Castiel could see nothing right with the show as they seemed to rely on the same pattern when it came to the dialogue and, as Charlie pointed out several times, the 'tragic disasters' were so farfetched it was amazing that the hospital was still open. Dean had told them all to shut the hell up because Dr Sexy and Dr Piccalo were trying to save a man's life by performing brain surgery on him while they were trapped in an elevator shaft that was dangling precariously from only a few wires while a Snow Patrol song played dramatically in the background. Charlie pointed out that the scenario proved her point and Dean promptly threw a couch cushion at her because she’d made him miss the moment that Dr Piccalo confessed her love of Dr Sexy. Castiel really had to wonder how on earth the show had been running for nearly ten years.

It was then that Castiel began to feel the slow creep of a shadow slinking underneath his skin. Even though Dean's thigh was pressed up against his own, as well as his arm snaked around Castiel’s waist, he felt strangely disconnected from everyone in the room. It was almost as if he was watching from outside, being both with and without, and he could no longer feel Dean next to him, no longer feel the echo of the laugh he'd let out at Charlie's mocking of the show or the pull of embarrassment Sam had felt previously when it came to light that he was spending the next day with Ruby which Dean had ribbed him over for quite some time. It was like watching suspended animation and as Castiel continued to watch he realised that the feeling inking its way through his body was that of regret. Regret because in a few short months he would be leaving this behind to go to college. Come September there would be no more movie nights with Charlie, no more falling asleep on the Winchester’s couch and waking up with Dean curled up next to him.

He still hadn’t told Dean about MCAD and it really was starting to eat away at him. There were times when it nearly fell out his mouth at the most random of times; one of the mornings when Dean had driven him to school, sat in the Roadhouse eating burgers or on one Saturday when Dean had actually joined him for a run. Castiel knew he needed to tell Dean soon before the truth tumbled out of him at the worst possible moment he just sure of when to tell him.

 

 

\---

Sam said goodnight at around eleven because he was meeting Ruby in the morning. Charlie soon followed leaving just Castiel and Dean alone. Without realising it Castiel gravitated towards Dean until Castiel's head was resting on Dean's shoulder and every now and then Dean would plant a feather soft kiss into Castiel hair. Dean's fingers were making small figures of eight against Castiel's skin which was incredibly therapeutic but Castiel couldn't help but wonder if Dean could feel the goose bumps he was sure had erupted over his body. Dr Sexy was separating conjoined twins in the back of a bus that has recently crashed when Castiel realised Dean was gently nudging him with his arm.

"Cas? Cas?"

"Huh?" Castiel asked when he realised that Dean had been talking to him and he hadn’t heard a word.

"I asked you if you wanted me to take you home or did you want to stay the night?" Dean said. "Weren't you listening?" he added.

"Sorry..." Castiel said shaking his head slightly. 

Dean jostled slightly so Castiel was facing him and gave him a reassuring smile "It's fine, are you ok? You've been spacing out all night."

"Yeah I'm fine." Castiel swiftly lied, he could see from Dean's face that he didn't believe him but he didn't say anything about it. Instead he switched the DVD player off, stood up and held out his hand for Castiel to take. "Didn't you want to watch another episode?" Castiel asked. Normally Castiel had to drag Dean, normally huffing and swearing, away from a Dr Sexy marathon and even more so when it was season five which Dean called 'a masterpiece of modern television'.

"Nah its fine come on, you look really tired." Dean said pulling Castiel up into standing position. 

"You don't have to coddle me." Castiel snapped slightly while scowling. Dean just rolled his eyes and began pulling Castiel in the direction of the hallway. 

"I'm not coddling you so stop being an ass." Dean said stopping for moment as he pressed Castiel against the nearest wall and kissed him nonchalantly even nibbling on Castiel's bottom lip lightly. "And stop frowning" Dean added as Castiel sighed but followed Dean to his bedroom either way. "I just want to make sure that you're ok." Dean added once they were in his room.

"Dean I'm fi-" he tried to say but Dean was suddenly kissing him again but with what almost felt like anger this time. It was clear that this kiss was to shut him up.

"Don't tell me you're fine if you're not, ok?" Dean said as he pulled away leaving Castiel momentarily breathless. Even though he could feel it seeping under his skin like an inky infection Castiel bit it all back and tried to seem as convincing as he could.

"I'm fine Dean." He said. Dean's fingers were toying with the bottom of his shirt even though he looked worried.

With a slightly worried frown Dean asked "You would tell me if things weren't ok wouldn't you? You would tell me if you weren't fine?" 

"Yes I would." Castiel lied smoothly and that seemed to convince Dean as he smiled brightly and kissed Castiel just as hungrily as before. Castiel hastily removed his shirt, sighing as Dean ran his hands along the planes of his stomach and down until he was gripping Castiel's hips.

Dean's kisses slowly trailed along Castiel's jaw and downwards until he was planting soft and light kisses on Castiel's shoulders. His heart was slamming against his chest and if Dean couldn't hear it the Castiel would have been amazed. Castiel's breath hitched momentarily as one of Dean's hands traced a small pattern on his hipbone and clearly Dean had noticed that but he chuckled into Castiel's shoulder before coming back to Castiel's lips. Castiel pushed Dean backwards until he fell onto his bed, Castiel placing a knee either side of his hips.  
  
As Dean's hand slid from Castiel's hip to the waistband of his boxers Castiel's breath hitched loudly. It was like a firework had gone off in his stomach and surge of want filled his entire body. Pulling Dean closer Castiel kissed him hungrily until their chests were flush together. Castiel's hips rutted against Dean's almost frantically. With a smirk he pulled himself up until he was leaning back on his heels with ease and looking down at Dean’s face which was so full of curiosity it was almost cute. There was a flicker of apprehension behind the curiosity though Castiel knew if he gave dean the option to back out, to just lie down and go to sleep, he wouldn’t take it. This was something they both wanted even if was nervy for either of them. As Castiel lent forward to plant feather light kisses along Dean’s chest he could hear the other boy’s heartbeat, he could feel it slamming up against Dean’s chest almost comically. He gently pulled at Dean's hips until Dean wrapped his legs around Castiel's waist, Castiel’s lips ever stopping from tracing small kisses along Dean’s toned chest.

“Dean-”

“Don’t even say it.” Dean said gripping onto Castiel’s waist. Dean’s voice was ragged, almost blown with this desperate sounding need, and that voice was enough to nearly send Castiel over the edge. 

“But-”

“Cas, I’m not backing out. I’m here ok, I’m here and I going to stay here with you so stop saying things to try and fuck up.” Dean said snapping slightly. “I’m not going to run or freak out so just stop it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Cas, I’m sure…I…Cas…I love you ok?” Dean said and the force of being punched in the stomach hit Castiel almost full on because no one had ever said that to him before, no one had ever been given the chance to say that to him before. Dean loved him…Dean wanted to be with him despite everything. It made no sense and Castiel was just waiting to fuck everything up completely but until then, until the pitch black shadows consumed him completely, he would just live happy in the knowledge that Dean Winchester loved him, him of all people.

It wasn’t until Dean said those words that Castiel began to think that it was allowed to love Dean. He could have Dean, steal him away to his little corner of forever that might not have been perfect but it was Castiel’s. He could let himself become completely open in every possible and Dean would still love.

Dean loved him even though he was broken.

That was the thought that stopped him short and a small gasp escaped his lips. Dean’s eyes grew wide and a look of scared worry flew across his face as his eyes danced around, taking in every single inch of Castiel’s face.

“I...I meant that-”

“Shut up.” Castiel said quickly pulling Dean into a deep kiss to stop the other boy from saying anything else. Dean moaned into the kiss, opening his mouth for Castiel’s tongue without any hesitation. Castiel pulled away and rested his forehead against Dean’s and sighed deeply, his chest rising heavily with the breath. “Just don’t say anything else ok?” he stammered out. “No one has ever said that to me. I’ve never given anyone a chance to love me and I’ve certainly never given them a reason to love me. I just…I can’t even explain what it is that I feel ok because…because you just told me that you loved me…you love me even though-”

“Cas stop, just don’t say anything else ok?” Dean said mimicking Castiel. Castiel let out a small chuckle which caused Dean’s face to break out into a huge smile. “God you have no idea how much I love it when you laugh.” He muttered before pulling Castiel into a kiss. Castiel let himself sink into this, his hand moving over Dean’s warm, slightly sweaty, skin.

“I want to keep you forever” Castiel whispered. “I want you Dean.” He then said almost growling it into Dean’s ear. Dean’s frantic kiss as a reply told Castiel that Dean wanted him just as much.

Dean responded to every touch, every nip of teeth or lips against skin, in a way that was so visceral it made Castiel just want to drive quicker; to drive fingers, feathering kisses and hot, heavy moans even further, more frantic and just _more_.

Dean let out a ragged breath. His eyes were wide, the irises nearly obscured by lust blown pupils, and the knowledge that he had caused Dean to look like that was slowly sending Castiel over the edge. Castiel angled his legs, keeping a grip on Dean’s hips as he did so. The change in angle clearly did something to Dean because his eyes were blown with lust and he let out a heavy keening groan.

“Shit…Cas… _Cas_ ” Dean hissed clearly trying so hard to keep his voice down because even though his room was the most remote in the house it was still just down the hall from Charlie who probably wouldn’t appreciate being kept awake by listening to her brother have sex.

Castiel could feel Dean’s orgasm building up from the way he arched his back, the way his haphazard grip on Castiel’s back tightened and from the completely ragged breathy sounds he was emitting. Castiel wanted to drink in each and every breath coming out of Dean’s mouth; the sounds coming from Dean alone were just glorious and it was sending Castiel over the edge if he was being honest. When Dean finally came, having to bury his mouth into Castiel’s shoulder to muffle his groan, Castiel wasn’t far behind. As Dean sighed heavily, staring up at his ceiling as he did so, Castiel disposed of the condom and hastily returned to the bed as Dean was slowly pulling his covers across him.

“Dean…” Castiel said as he moved his body closer to Dean so that their bare skin was flushed together.

“Yeah Cas?”

“I…I love you too.” He said. The words tumbled out of his lips and Castiel was scared as they did so because this was the first person to ever hear those words, said in that way, from Castiel. He didn’t give his love out easily. He had originally thought he didn’t love in him to give but Dean changed that. Dean Winchester had come along with that damn leather jacket of his and made Castiel love him but as Dean pulled him in for a chaste kiss a thought boomed through his head.

His time with Dean, his time at home with Dean, was numbered. He was going to college halfway across the state and he had no idea where Dean had been accepted because Dean hadn’t mentioned it. Dean still didn’t know about MCAD because Castiel was scared of telling him and he hated that he was scared because he shouldn’t be. He shouldn’t be scared because Dean had told him that he loved him.

“Goodnight Cas.” Dean mumbled giving Castiel a small and sleepy kiss before Castiel watch sleep pull Dean down.

Castiel went to bed with his arms wrapped around Dean but even with all the heat between them, all the skin on skin, he hadn't felt so alone or cold in a long time and no matter what he tried he couldn't get to sleep even with Dean next to him. He lay there until the very early hours of the morning staring up at the ceiling willing for sleep to come. Dean was gently mumbling in his sleep but Castiel could not pick out any discernable words amongst Dean’s mutterings.

“Dean…” Castiel said rolling onto his side and nudging Dean slightly which probably wasn’t a good idea at all because Dean was not a morning person at, or a middle of the night person either actually, but Castiel knew if he didn’t talk to Dean soon about MCAD then he was going to explode. “Dean.” He said again firmer this time. Dean grumbled and burrowed further into his bed. “ _Dean_.”

“Is the house on fire?” Dean grumbled and the words were jumbled together so it took a moment for Castiel to figure out what Dean had said.

“No.” Castiel replied.

“Have The Rolling Stones pitched up camp in the kitchen?”

“No, not that I know of.”

“Then go to fuck to sleep Cas.” Dean grumbled.

“Dean please.” Castiel pressed.

“No, I’m asleep you asshole.” Dean actually groaned. Castiel would feel sorry for waking Dean up but he needed to talk to Dean about this.

“No, you’re awake because you’re talking.” Castiel pointed out.

“I hate you and your painfully obvious logic, it’s like dating Spock.” Dean mumbled, still sounding incredibly sleepy. “I now know how Kirk felt.” He added burrowing his face into his pillow.

“They weren’t dating.”

“No they were space husbands.” Dean mumbled into the pillow.

“Dean…” Castiel said moving closer towards Dean and wrapping an arm around Dean’s waist causing Dean to remove his face from his pillow. Castiel’s hand moved upwards to trace the tattoo on Dean’s ribcage. He saw a ghost of a smile flit across Dean’s face. “Dean.” He pressed again.

“Ugh _what_?” Dean grumbled though the smile was still there. “It’s like four in the fucking morning. If you’re not about tell me that you’re secretly Batman or something I’m going to kick you out of bed and you can sleep on the damn floor.”  

“A few weeks ago I got a letter…” Castiel started to say.

“Are you _finally_ going to tell me about your acceptance to MCAD?” Dean said finally opening his eyes and looking at Castiel.

“How did you know about that?” Castiel asked furrowing his brow though he had an idea who was involved. Her name was Anna and she was the bane whole Castiel whole existence.

“Anna told Inias who told Jo who told Charlie who told me. I was just waiting for you to tell me yourself.” Dean mumbled sleepily thus proving Castiel right about his Anna theory. If she wasn’t his best friend and if he didn’t love her so much he would have plotted her demise a long time ago.

“Is nothing secret in this fucking town?” Castiel muttered running his hands through his hair disgruntledly.

“No, not when you know Anna or Jo.” Dean pointed out lessening the gap between them even more so and planting a quick kiss on Castiel’s lips. “I’m really proud of you, you know that right?” Dean asked. “But that’s what you’re worried about isn’t it? Going away for college?”

“Dean I’m not worried about anything; it’s just going to take some getting used to. Moving away and not being here.”

“You don’t think I’m worried about that too?” Dean asked cocking an eyebrow.

“It would help if you were going to…” Castiel started to say before his brow furrowed again. “You’ve got accepted somewhere haven’t you?” he asked when he got a full look at Dean’s expression. Clearly he wasn’t the only one who’d been hiding something college related.

“Yeah I have…at the University of Wisconsin, I found out the other day but I’ve been trying to think of a time to tell you about it. Wisconsin have a kickass art program there and I’m gonna be studying English Literature as well. The tuition isn’t that much and I can easily sort out a student loan.”

“Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you found out?”

“Well I wanted to see if you would tell me about MCAD first but also because I wanted a few days for it to sink in…me going to college and all.” Dean said. “I haven’t told Sammy, Charlie or my mom yet…I wanted you to be the first person I told.” Dean added mumbling the last few words.  "It's all because of you really." Dean explained. "I would have given up after the first few classes at school if it weren't for you; I mean you helped me put the portfolio that got me in together. It's all thanks to you and so I wanted to tell you first.”

“Yeah but it was _your_ artwork and I wasn’t the one that sent off your portfolio was I? You did that all by yourself.”

“Yeah but I never would have had a decent portfolio if it weren’t for you Cas.” Dean pointed out before pulling Castiel into another kiss. They stayed like that, exchanging small kisses and feather light touches for quite some time before Castiel pulled away with a sigh.

“I’m…I’m really proud of you, with Wisconsin and all.” He said. Dean’s smile was there but Castiel could see a small flicker of worry in the other boy’s green eyes.

“Cas…”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not gonna run are you? You’re not gonna end up running off somewhere while I’m in Wisconsin…”

“I’m going to be in Minneapolis, why do you think that I might run off somewhere?”

“Because you run, that’s just what you do. You say that it scares you that people might run but it scares me that you might.” Dean said seriously.

“Dean…I’m not going to run ok? I’m not. I just don’t have a set plan for my life yet. I didn’t even apply for MCAD, I wasn’t even planning on going to college but it’s happening and so I’m going to let it happen. I don’t plan things…my life doesn’t really have a plan.”

“And mine does?” Dean scoffed.

“No but I have even less of a plan than you. I just don’t care enough at the moment to dedicate my time and money to something ok? It doesn’t mean that I’m going to run.” Castiel said.

“You promise?”

“I promise” Castiel said but as he said it he could feel that dark and ugly shadow creep across his skin. Wisconsin was a four hour drive from Minneapolis, there would be four hours and a few hundred miles between Dean and him; there was so many variables to their relationship already and both of them leaving the small, sleeping and gossiping town Castiel had called home for eighteen years was one variable Castiel hadn’t thought about. He hadn’t planned for it and yet now it was staring him in the face, it was impossible to ignore.

 

 

\---

"It's happening again." Castiel said the next afternoon as he sat in his usual seat at the Roadhouse. He watched as Anna finished stirring her drink until she looked up at him with a face full of concern. "It feels just like last time as well." He added sadly.

Anna's brow furrowed as she continued to stare at Castiel. "But last time you-"

"Exactly." Castiel said with a sigh.  

"Have you spoken to Dean about it? He's your boyfriend after all." Anna said sprinkling a pack of Sweet-n-Low into her coffee as she glanced around the half empty café. As she scanned around the Roadhouse Inias looked up from the counter he was cleaning and shot Anna a warm smile. Anna blushed slightly, the blush slowly spreading from her cheeks down to her neck before smiling back and hurriedly turning back to Castiel. "Anyway…” she said firmly making it obvious that Castiel wasn’t allowed to comment on what had just happened. “Have you spoken to Dean about this? He'd want to know, it’s obvious to everyone that he cares about you almost as much as he cares about his family." 

"That's the thing; I think Dean is part of the problem." Castiel said after a moment. If he was expecting Anna to be sympathetic then he was strongly mistaken as she huffed loudly.

"Oh for the love of God Castiel _please_ don't do this again." Anna said nearly slamming her cup against the table causing several people, including Inias behind the counter, to look up and stare. "You and Dean work so well together so please do not start with the whole ‘Dean is part of the problem’. I've seen such a change in you over the past few weeks and that's all thanks to Dean. He can't be part of the problem." Anna said breathing in for a moment as if to calm herself. She took a large sip of her coffee and waited for Castiel to say something with an inpatient look on her face. "Look just talk to him, surely he'll understand if you just tell him how you feel."

"Yes because that talk will go so well." Castiel said. “He’s already terrified that I’m going to run away from this all.”

“He has a point there Castiel, you _do_ run away from things and you always have. Why do you think I took it on myself to send off your MCAD application?” Anna said.

“Dean got accepted to the University of Wisconsin” Castiel blurted out. “He told me last night. He hasn’t told his mom or Sam or Charlie yet. He wanted me to be the first person he told because…well he told me that he loves me. He wanted me to be the first to know because I helped him put together his portfolio and because he loves me.” Anna didn’t a word; she just carried on looking at Castiel with concern. “He loves me, and I’m pretty damn sure I love him as well but he’s going to be four hours away…he’s not going to be there and it scares me ok? What if I need him and he’s not there?”

“Castiel believe me, he is going to be there. Dean cares about you so much and he’s determined not to let you run so he’s not just going to stop being there for you. Have you seen that damn car of his? That thing is pretty damn fast. All you’d have to do is sound grumpy on the phone and he’d come speeding to Minneapolis with coffee just to make you happy. It’s sappy but true and you know it’s true.”

“Anna-”

“I swear to God…if you fuck this up I’m going to be pissed off as hell.” Anna snapped slamming her coffee mug onto the table “And I’m not going to be the only one either. Charlie and Jo will also kill you if you fuck this up by thinking that you either don’t deserve Dean, which is bullshit because you _do_ , or that he’s not going to be there, which is also bullshit because he _is_.” She added pointing her finger menacingly at Castiel’s chest. “I hate yelling at you but for God’s sake you are _stupid_ sometimes.”

“Anna shut up. You’re making it out as though I’m a child when I’m not. I can make my own damn decision in life without your help because really you’re one to talk, you’ve been crazy about some guy for months and you won’t do anything about it even though he’s pretty much declared his love for you a thousand times with the endless amounts of free fucking vanilla syrup. You think I’m stupid, well so are you.” Castiel heard himself shoot back.

“Are you done?” Anna asked raising an eyebrow.

“Are you?” Castiel sighed.

“Yes Castiel I’m done.” Anna said shaking her head.

“I’m going to love you even when we’re old, grey and yelling down each other’s hearing aids but sometimes you really piss me off.” She added.

 

 

\---

Anna’s words were still ringing in Castiel’s that evening when he was sat in the Winchester’s dining room eating dinner. Charlie had kept up most of the conversation with talk of Boston as she was going to look at the Harvard campus with Mary within the next few weeks. After the dinner, which featured questionable looking mashed potatoes courtesy of Charlie, Sam, Dean and Charlie set themselves up in the den with several Batman DVDs while Castiel snuck into the kitchen. Mary was washing up when he walked in and, when Mary looked over to the door, she gave him a warm smile. 

“Hi honey” Mary said as she rinsed off a large coffee mug.

“Do you want any help with that?” Castiel offered. Mary shook her head and chuckled quietly.

“You’re as bad as Dean; he’d have me sat on that couch watching Extreme Couponing for the rest of my life if he got his way.” Mary said. She placed the mug on the drying rack and turned to Castiel, her smile still just as bright. “I’m so glad he found you. I was worried when we first moved here because Dean’s always been closer to Sam and Charlie than anyone else; he would sometimes find it difficult to make friends. He’s got buckets of charm, too much sometimes, but he’d find it hard to meet people that completely got him.” Castiel’s chest felt like it was tightening, after the night before there were so many conflicting emotions running through his head. “Dean told me all about you getting into art school, I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, not at all.” Castiel said and he really meant it. In the time he’d gotten to know the Winchesters he’d become to understand what it was like to have a mother always be there. Mary was everything his own mother hadn’t of been, though Castiel knew that couldn’t of been helped seeing as his mother had been ill, and he was so glad he’d gotten to know her, so glad he’d been welcomed into her home.

“He’s so proud of you; he couldn’t stop talking about how you’re going to be great there. At one point I thought he was going to burst.” Mary said. The knowing look she gave him unsettled Castiel. Dean hadn’t met his family officially and hardly anyone knew they were dating mainly because of the repercussions it might cause. Castiel didn’t want Mary to think ill of him because her son loved Castiel.  

“Mary-”

“Oh Cas honey you and I both know how much you mean to him, it’s not something either of you have kept that secret to be honest. He thinks the world of you and I really hope you do to.”

“I don’t want to hurt him Mary.”

“How could you hurt him?” Mary asked with wide eyes. “Because from where I’m stood you could burn his mint condition Batman comics and he’d still think that you hung the moon.” The honest look on Mary’s face told Castiel that she believed what she said as well. “You know that I think highly of you, I really do. I don’t you think you have it in you to hurt Dean.” Mary added as she placed a bowl onto the drying rack. “But I wouldn’t want you to hurt either; you do what you feel like you need to do because I would hate for you to feel conflicted , that’s one of the worst things for a person to feel.”

“Thank you Mary.”

“No honey, thank you.” Mary said giving him a quick peck on the cheek. “Now go on into the den, tensions can run very high during Batman marathons and those boys of mine have broken two mugs in the past week alone thanks to rouge couch cushions.” As Mary said this there was a loud crashing noise from the den. “Dean and Sam Winchester, I swear to God that if either one of you broke my great grandma’s vintage vase then neither of you will be living to see the legal drinking age!” she yelled in the direction of the den. A muffled yell soon followed.

“Dean you asshole! That was my leg!” Sam whined.

“Oh man up Sammy!” Dean shot back.

“I _swear_ my sons weren’t raised by wolves no matter what Dean calls my mother.” Mary said shaking her head before she gave Castiel a warm smile. “You’ll remember what I said won’t you?” she asked. Castiel nodded because lying to Mary Winchester seemed almost impossible.

“Yes Mary, I’ll remember.” He said. With a smile directed at Mary he went off in the direction of the den to roll his eyes along with Charlie over whatever Sam and Dean were fighting over or destroying.

 

 

\---

Anna was waiting for him with coffee and bagels like always on Monday morning, though he noticed how her eyes raked over the dark circles under his eyes as he got into the car. She didn’t say anything and didn’t even try to play her morning playlist of Passion Pit and Gold & Youth because she knew how that music drove Castiel insane.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Anna asked when they were only a few blocks away from school.

“When have I ever wanted to talk about it?” Castiel replied snippily between sips of his scalding hot coffee.

“It was just a question Castiel." Anna shot back with a steely glare. "You look as though you haven’t had any sleep all night.” she added as her eyes raked over Castiel's face.

“Thanks Anna.” Castiel retorted sarcastically. 

“Oh for God’s sake I was just…oh forget it. If you want to sit there and look miserable then go ahead.” Anna snapped.

“Sorry.” Castiel mumbled.

“Yeah well you should be.” Anna said as they neared the school.

Dean was waiting for them once they drove into the student parking lot. Anna parked next to the Impala and Dean gave Castiel a huge smile as they got out the car.

“Morning” Dean said kissing Castiel quickly on the lips. As they walked into the school Dean launched into a story about how Sam had finally asked Ruby out on a date and the pair were going to see a movie on Friday night. “My little Sammy is growing up.” Dean said dabbing an imaginary tear from the corner of his eye.

“So he’s officially more mature than you now.” Anna said playfully. Dean took a lively swipe for her but Anna dodged out the way easily. “Watch the coffee there Winchester. I actually paid for the syrup shots in here this morning.” She said looking down at her vanilla latte. “Now children I’m required in the office, you two play nicely and I’ll see you in Algebra.” Anna said shooting Dean a smirk and Castiel a warm smile before she took off walking in the general direction of the main office.

“Hey, are you ok? You look like you’ve only gotten a few hours’ sleep.” Dean said looking at Castiel with concern. “You’re not still worrying after the other night?”

“I’m fine Dean.” Castiel said knowing how cold his voice sounded and hating it instantly because Dean would know something was up now no matter what Castiel said. Dean’s back straightened up and his eyes narrowed slightly. “Dean please don’t…I’m fine.” Castiel said quickly.

“Cas-”

“Dean I really am fine. Come on; let’s get going because we’ll be late-”

“Cas-”

“And I could do without getting detention today because-”

“Cas _stop_.” Dean said grabbing onto Castiel’s wrist and bringing him closer to him. “You’re tired ok? Clearly you didn’t get any sleep last night and you’re clutching at your coffee like it’s a lifesaver. Can you please tell me what is wrong?” Dean asked frowning with concern. Castiel sighed at the concern in Dean’s eyes because if he told Dean what was wrong then that would mean admitting that Castiel was thinking about breaking up with Dean. 

He hadn’t come to the decision remotely lightly, especially after the other night at Dean’s and his conversation with Mary, but this was what Castiel did, when things got rough Castiel cut and ran. Sometimes he hated himself for it because he knew just how much he was hurting the people around him but he just couldn’t stop.

 “Dean-” Castiel started to say but Dean let out a low hiss.

“Shit…” Dean said shaking his head. “You promised me Cas, you fucking _promised_ me and you’re going to do it anyway aren’t you?” Dean snapped. “You told me that you loved me and you promised me that you weren’t going to run but you’re going to anyway _aren’t_ you?” he asked as his expression grew more and more thunderous.

“Dean I can’t do this right now.” Castiel snapped pulling away from Dean’s hold and beginning to walk down the hallway. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his head as he sped up because he knew that he was wreaking his relationship by walking away but he couldn’t stop. Further down the line Dean might thank him for this even if it did hurt him.

"Cas! Cas don't you dare do this!" Dean yelled running down the hall after him. "Cas for fuck sake just stop!" Dean snapped as he caught up with Castiel. Several people in the busy hallway turned to look at them as the first bell rang loudly through the hallway. They were all clearly torn on whether to stay and watch whatever was going on between Dean and Castiel or go to class.

"Dean just go away." Castiel snapped back. “I really cannot do this right about now ok?”

“Why Cas? Why can’t you do this?”

“Because it’s better the other way.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“It’s better if we end…this. End it before you get more hurt than you have  to.” Castiel explained. Dean’s face fell.

"Fuck sake!” He heard Dean groan. “When are you going to get through your thick head that I'm not going to do that? What the fuck is going on with you?" Dean asked as people slowly began to filter from the hallway towards classrooms. “Cas just stop and tell me what the hell is going on and where this has come from. _Please_.”

"We graduate in a month Dean.” Castiel said sighing. “We graduate then I'm off across the state and you're going to be in Wisconsin. Do you really think that this could work with us far away from one another?" Castiel asked.  

" _That's_ what this is about? _Seriously_?" Dean asked furiously. “You’ve been distant over the past few weeks because of moving just a few hours away? Even after we talked about it? Even after I told you that I loved you. You’ve been weird and cold all because moving just a few hours away?”

“I haven’t been-”

“Oh you have I just couldn’t find it in me to call you out over it because there was a high chance you’d do exactly what you’re doing now.” Dean said quickly. "Cas you have no idea how much I understand how scared you are. You're terrified that I'm going to run and never come back but so am I. I'm scared you're going to find some stupidly handsome art student in Minneapolis who drinks even more coffee than you, recycles, ride a damn _bike_ everywhere and has read every book known to man. I'm scared you're going to just run and forget about everything. My dad did the same, he'd run and be gone for days, even weeks, and I'd be left with a mom who was heartbroken."

"Dean-"

“No, just listen. I'm not running ok? No matter where I go I won't leave you and you need to stop acting like a huge dick just because we’ll be like four hours away from one another…there are things called cars and phones Cas!” 

"I was stupid to get close to you, it wasn’t fair to you at all and now I'm leaving its going to make it harder to be around you." Castiel heard himself say. There were so many other things he wanted to say but it was difficult because Castiel himself couldn’t even explain why he felt the need to push people away.

“So you’re just going to throw it all away instead?” Dean asked “What the actual fuck Cas?”

“Dean can we not do this now? Please…just wait until later.” Castiel asked as he started to walk away from Dean.  

"Cas!" Dean said grabbing hold of Castiel's arm painfully. Dean might have been taller than he was but Castiel was just as strong as he was. Grabbing hold of Dean's arm he twisted his own arm out of Dean’s grip and with lightning quick reflexes pushed until Dean crashed into the nearest locker. 

" _Why_ can't you just let me go Dean? Why?" He practically cried. He could feel tears fighting inside of him but he refused to let them fall. “Why do you _constantly_ have to push me?”

"Has it ever occurred to you that I can’t let you just run off because I actually do love you? Stop being an asshole and let me go, you’re hurting my damn arm." Dean snapped. “If you would just listen to me and stop being such an ass maybe you would get it into your thick head that I don’t want to lose you at all. You’re my best friend in this damn place and more importantly you’re my boyfriend, no matter how fucking annoying you are, and I’m not just going to let you give up again. Now let me go.”

"Castiel Novak!" Ms Mills yelled down the hallway as she stormed towards them. "Let him go right now!" She snapped. Castiel sighed and released Dean from his vice like grip. "What the hell is going on? Well?" Castiel and Dean stayed silent. "Fine, both of you can stay silent in detention this evening. Dean go to class this instant. Castiel you can go to the office and report to the principal. You're a month away from graduating; do you think that you could go just few weeks without landing yourself in detention?" 

“Ms Mills-”

“I don’t want to hear it Castiel, just go to the office.” Ms Mills pointing in the direction of the office with a furious look on her face.

 

 

\---

Castiel stayed silent throughout the detention despite Dean trying to catch his eye every thirty seconds. His phone buzzed countless times with either text messages from Dean or Anna. In the end Castiel switched it off and stared out the window. As soon as they were free to go Castiel grabbed his bag and hurried out the room, jogging down the hallway and hoping he had enough change for the bus home.

"Cas! Fucking hell will you please just stop?" Dean called. The dejection in his voice hit Castiel making him do just as Dean asked of him. "Please just listen to me for a at least a few seconds then you can decide if you want this to be over." Dean pleaded. "Can you do that?"

"Fine, talk." Castiel said turning to look at Dean and when saw Dean's face swimming in pain and upset he hated himself because he'd caused that. He had made Dean feel dejected. 

"I don't get it Cas, I just don't get how you can go from one extreme to the other ok? I don't get how you can say that you love me and then act like I mean nothing!"

"I don't get it either! I don't! This is what it is like for me every goddamn fucking day! My own fucked up brain is constantly telling me that I don't deserve any of this; it tells me that I don't deserve friends or happiness or even you.

"Cas...that's dumb as balls." Dean practically spat out.

"Thank you for expressing your feelings over my mental illness so eloquently Dean." Castiel said sarcastically. Dean's reply was a loud huff which made Castiel bristle. "You knew I was like this when you got to know me, you knew nearly everything after both Anna and I told things but still you pushed me."

"Cas I didn't push you! I was there for you!"

"I didn't need you there!" Castiel retorted. "I didn't need you there but you pushed your way in anyway."

"Cas please just listen. We can fix this ok? Just…can you please just explain what is actually going on?"

"It doesn't make any sense; it has never made any sense Dean..." Castiel tried to explain.

"Try me; see if it makes sense to me." Dean said pleadingly.

"Ok…fine...it's…it’s like waking up one morning and wanting everything to stop, you want to pause everything so you don't have to deal with it until you know you can and that’s the same with people." Castiel said. "You want someone, you want someone so much because you love them and you trust them with every tiny fragile piece of your soul but at the same time you don't. You don't want them to be close to you because then they see how fucked up you are. You can’t let someone so how fractured and fragmented you are. Are you with me so far?"

"Yes Cas, I'm with you." Dean said and the way he said made it clear he wasn’t just talking about Castiel’s explanation.

"It drains away the love and passion you have for things, for people, until you're left as nothing but this broken, mangled shell and you're convinced that you can't be loved because who could ever love someone like that?"

"I could Cas. I could love someone like that and I do, don't you see that? I'm in love with you Cas…fuck I’m so in love with you. I never thought I would fall in love with someone like you but I did and I can't think of how different moving here would have been for my entire family if I hadn't of had you. I love you and I know that you're leaving but you're going to be four hours away, that's all." Dean said. "I don't want to lose you ever ok? You're the closest thing I have to a best friend here and more importantly you're my boyfriend. I'm not going to let you throw all that away because you're scared."

"What if you realise I'm too broken?"

"Cas I told you, I don't care that you're broken. All I care about is that you're here, I care that you're not pushing me away." Dean said gripping onto the sides of Castiel's face and bringing their foreheads together. "There will always be a part of you that is flawed but I love that part about you, I love every single part of you that is broken or scarred because those parts make you 'you'. Please don't give up on us because I don't know how I would cope if I lost you."

"Dean-"

"No, please don't interrupt me because I won't get this out otherwise. I know you're scared and I know you tend to run when things get bad but I love you man, I don't want to be without you so please don't run. Please." Dean said pleadingly. Castiel looked at Dean, really looked at him and saw two options;

The first option was that he could run; he could run and go to Minneapolis, only returning home when he really had to and remembering those few months in which he had been in love with Dean Winchester. He would eventually move away and lose contact with most of the people he had cared about because he believe he was too broken to have anyone stick around for too long.

The second was that he grew the fuck up, just like Anna was always telling him to do for the past year or so, and just accepted that there were going to be things beyond his control, there were going to be times when he just wanted to leave this all just like his mother had. Castiel wasn’t his mother though and when he really thought about it he didn’t want to lose the people he loved. He didn’t want to lose the person who had never made him feel more scared but more alive.

He wanted to lay all of his flaws out so that they weren’t hidden anymore.

“Ok Dean.” He said after several moments of silence because Castiel wanted, for the first time in years, to just stand still.

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thanks to everyone over on tumblr for reading small snippets from this fic over the past several months and for being so excited to read this fic. Your excitement and enthusiasm never failed to amaze me.  
> Endless amounts for love to both Crystal ([howaboutnovak](howboutnovak.tumblr.com)) and Megan ([amikrumping](amikrumping.tumblr.com)/[somuchforbaggles](http://archiveofourown.org/users/somuchforbaggles/pseuds/somuchforbaggles)) for reading and not hating this. Without you this damn fic would never have been written as Megan was the who said we should just leap head first and sign up for the dcbb in the first place. Megan also had the daunting task of gutting this fic for all it's grammatical errors, long rambling sentences and random missing words. I am a person that rambles, it is my curse, as well as being a person who writes at 3am when I should be asleep. 
> 
> The ever wonderful and stupidly talented Crystal willingly read every single snippet and draft I sent her as well as trying her damn hardest to convince me I could write and for that I am eternally grateful. 
> 
> There are countless incredible people over on tumblr who have been so supportive while I was writing this and as well as during endless moans and groans. Oh and telling me to put down the coffee and go to sleep on an almost daily basis. I say it all the time over on tumblr and I'm going to say it again; you're all so amazing and I honoured to call many of you my friends. 
> 
> The accompanying soundtrack to this fic can be found [here](http://8tracks.com/infinitylightning/flaws-upon-your-wrists) and the fact that it is only 23 tracks long proves that I can edit down fanmixes because the original one was over 76 tracks long (it was originally 40) and drowning in angst. 
> 
> The title is a reference to the amazing Bastille song Flaws which was on near constant repeat while I was writing. If any of you follow me on tumblr you will know of my undying adoration for Bastille (mainly because I'm always using their lyrics in graphics) and how I will cry as soon as anyone mentions the song Oblivion. If you love any of the music in the mix then please check out the albums and EPs for the likes of Bastille, Kodaline, Daughter (who are **INCREDIBLE** live), Lewis Watson, London Grammar, Ms Mr and The Cab. Quality music there folks.
> 
> I'll go now and stop rambling (I told you it's my curse). Once again if you made it to the end of this fic then I love you and you deserve the biggest cookie you can find. Oh and a hug.


End file.
